The doyen of MS Paint (much better than this guy) is now a part of UpShake. He offers a new, generally smuttier, perspective on life in general and should complement things nicely. In unrelated news, staff increased by 100% last week, and existing employees are rumoured to be taking a paycut.
Look forward to an exciting new article whenever he gets around to it. There's paperwork to be filled out, sheesh, give him a break.
Tell me this: Which sport lasts for 15 days yet the winning competitor's entire effort can be watched in a mere 10 minutes? Which sport has traditions greater than those of Wimbledon, yet generates more interesting characters than in Celebrity Poker? Which sport has more nudity (and larger breasts) than WWE, but is an official competition? Finally, for which sport will the obesity epidemic actually improve standards to new levels in the coming years?
The answer to all these questions and more is of course: SUMO!
If the most experience you've had of the sport is watching some people get into those plastic sumo suits and plastic sumo suits go at each other, then watch the video below first. It is footage of the 2006 Nagoya Basho, the 14th day, and the most important bout of the tournament. Winner of 17 Emperor's Cups, Mongolian Yokozuna (grand champion) Asashoryu had an unbeaten record of 13-0 going into the second-last day. His closest competitor (Hakuho, another Mongolian) was at 11-2, so a victory would give Asa the title a day before the end of the basho. His opponent was Chiyotaikai, a rikishi (wrestler) at sumo's 2nd highest rank of Ozeki (champion) and winner of 3 Emperor's cups, but none since 2003.
So well done to Asashoryu, he must have been doing his exercises. But strangely enough, that awesome minute of thrusting, pushing, posturing and mawashi-tugging is not the only reason why Sumo is so fantastic. The best part is the characters that play-out this super-sized drama. Here's a run-down of a few of them:
Asashoryu (Ussa-shore-ryu) - Complete dominator of the past few years of competition, Asa is known as the "Genghis Khan of Sumo". He has 17 titles, but has won them during a span of just 23 tournaments. In 2005 he completed a supreme double- clean sweep of all tournaments, which gave him 7 tournament victories in a row, both were feats never before achieved. Despite his dominance, he is not well-liked among Japanese, essentially because he is a foreigner. The Japanese make up excuses for reasons such as "He shows too much emotion".
Kotooshu (Cotto-ore-shoe) - The "David Beckham of Sumo", Bulgarian Kotooshu is loved in Japan for his 'good looks', 'resembling' the british footballer. He is in many ways more popular than Asashoryu despite his inferior record, and appears on TV shows- see "King of Chicken". He became the first European rikishi to reach sumo's 2nd-highest rank of Ozeki last year. At 203cm, Kotooshu is not as overweight as most other top sumo athletes, and uses his superior wingspan and wrestling background to flip opponents more often than not.
"King of Chicken" - a competition among celebrities to keep their heart-rates below a certain 'Bikkuri' (scared) threshold. Sick Japanese humour at its best.
Baruto (Ba-roo-toh) - The second of the new breed of rikishi from Europe, Baruto's real name is Kaido Hoovelson, and he hails from Estonia. He is a giant of the game, weighing 172kg. This makes it more amusing when you find his nickname is the "Leonardo DiCaprio of Sumo". Told to come to Japan at a young age as he would just need to eat, sleep and occasionally wrestle, Baruto was surprised at the dedication required to reach the top division. Nevertheless, he reached the division in the second tournament of 2006 and has a winning record in all tournaments thus far.
Tochiazuma (Toh-chee-ah-zoo-ma) - The only Japanese-born rikishi to have a chance at becoming a Yokozuna at the moment, he has so far crumbled under the public pressure, as well as injury.
Hakuho (hah-koo-hoh) - Another Mongolian, Hakuho has 1 title this year, and come close to winning two others, yet has been denied the promotion to Yokozuna. Some say this is because the Japanese organisers don't want another foreign-born grand champion. With continued pressure he will force them to promote him, and expect this to occur next tournament if he can finish in the top 2.
This video demonstrates Takamisakari's psyche-out on Asashoryu back in 2003. It is one of two occasions he has defeated a Yokozuna in his career. Notice the cushions being thrown onto the ring by the crowd. This is only done on rare occasions when something exciting has happened- like an upset or a championship win.
