Plevin07.com

So you may have heard that Kevin Rudd has launched a new election website.

I say two can play at that game. Launched today was plevin07.com.

More will be revealed shortly so stay tuned.

Chicks in politics

There is no better forum than UpShake.com for the news that there's now an all-female party in Australia. Yeah, yeah, legitimate feminist concerns about our phallocentric society aside, this party is called the What Women Want Australia Party. I shit you not. (You can check out their website here.) A party named after a shitty Mel Gibson movie. (Sure, Family First could be the Passion of the Christ party.) Anyway that reminds me, you should watch The Year of Living Dangerously if it ever comes on telly again, it's not a bad movie. And it stars Mel Gibson.

What Women Want: is the party as shit as the movie?

I'd be worried about a political party named after a feel-good romantic comedy, wouldn't you? Or should we be more concerned that this is a political party named after a vehicle for Mel Gibson, a well-known ANTI-SEMITE?! And look at their hard-line pacifist ideology on the war for liberation in Iraq - a war, which, it is well-known would bring peace and stability to the people of the Middle East! Clearly this party HATES JEWS!!! Who are they funded by, Iran? Ironic...since Iran is well-known for its misogynist government policies...

On that note, I may have added Jews to the list of religions we've offended here at UpShake.com (Christians, Muslims, Scientologists).

A bit of a heads-up for the pagans - you're next.

Evolution-tards

Once you go black, you never go back

Our Prime Minister sure has been acting funny this year. First he's criticising Barack Obama, saying that if he were al-Qaeda, he'd be praying for an Obama victory. Then he's off banning Snoop Dogg touring Australia. Now Mr Howard has banned our cricket team from touring Robert Mugabe's Zimbabwe.

Let's take a look at all these people.




Notice anything in common with these three men? Apart from their taste in high couture?

Yeah that's right. All I'm saying, is if the Up In Smoke tour ever comes Down Under, it'll just be Eminem...

Fried chicken: Kevin Rudd's secret election ploy

It's that time of year again

Eurovision! When United Europe fragments once more into little fiefdoms based on awful songs. Serbia was the winner this year:



with Marija Serifovic, who looks like the Balkans' answer to k.d. lang.

Switzerland - Europe's bastion of peace, freedom and neutrality, and home to the 80's electronic act Yello ("Oh Yeah", as in Ferris Bueller's Day Off and the Duff-Man Song), brought out DJ Bobo this year. The lyrics are haunting, eerie as one might expect for a song called "I Am A Vampire".

I am a vampire, I'm a slave
A slave to the daylight, hence my grave

Lithuania, famous for last year's "We Are The Winners" effort, brought out an act at this contest called 4Fun (bah, rip-off of 4 Non Blondes) and a song called "Love or Leave". Listen to the opening bongo solo and tell me it's not a rip-off of Dido's "Thank You".



Europe still has many countries that aren't entrants to Eurovision including, but not limited to:
1. Chechnya
2. Sealand
3. The Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus
4. The Vatican

Come on, Pope Benedict XVI, do your new country proud. He could pump out some old German-language hits like Kraftwerk, Falco or "Who Do You Think You're Kidding Mr Hitler".

Molvania's entry to Eurovision

History corner! South Australia had the winning entry for the for the 1898 Australian Colonies Vision with Chunky Custard (below)

Asteroids? more like ass-teroids

There are thousands of asteroids (google it bitches). Since there aren't thousands of Greek gods, they've got to start naming them after other things. Guess what asteroid number 6433 is named?

Enya.

That's right, that bullshit singer known for turd music that even elevators refuse to play. What the fuck are astronomers on, naming asteroids after fucking Enya? What if Enya strikes Earth? Would we be wiped out in a wave of shitty, ironically unrelaxing synth-based pseudo-Celtic music? Arrrrggghh.

Love from the angry spaceman

The gayest video I've ever seen.

Best op shop find ever

Did you know that Tony Barber (ex-Sale of the Century, Wheel of Fortune) sings? Well neither did I...until I found his cassette I BELIEVE which contains various religious songs!!!!! Best $2 or whatever I've spent in a while. Guaranteed to take the 'lapsed' out of this lapsed Catholic and convert all you heathens out there.

Thus I shall institute the OP SHOP GAME: if you can find any musical recording equally worthy, I shall pay a prize (probably shout you a round of drinks or something). And I'd be all too keen to buy this shite off of you.

Imaginary Examples of what would be considered WORTHY might include: The Moog Orchestra Plays The Hits of Prince, hyopethetical albums by Larry Emdur or Anton Enus, oompah band recordings from Hahndorf, yah yah you get the drift.

Kamahl doesn't count. His recordings proliferate like mould in the opportunity shops of Adelaide.

Klassical Korner

Take a seat in your comfortable recliner, pour yourself a gin and tonic and look down your noses at the masses. Thanks to the helpful suggestions below, you have now discovered CLASSICAL MUSIC. You now have street cred with that hot flautist from the Symphony Orchestra. Or Vangelis. Whoever takes your fancy.

1. Arvo Pärt - Spiegel im Spiegel
2. Tchaikovsky - Russian Dance (from The Nutcracker)
3. Erik Satie - Trois Gymnopedies
4. Schubert - Ave Maria
5. Gyorges Ligeti - Requiem For Soprano, Mezzo Soprano, Two Mixed Choirs and Orchestra
6. Tchaikovsky - Andante, Symphony no. 6 in B Minor, Op. 24- Pathetique
7. Gustav Holst - Mars, The Bringer of War
8. Dvorak - Largo from Symphony no. 9
9. Debussy - Claire de Lune
10. for the hell of it - the very jarring "Threnody for the Victims of Hiroshima" by Krzysztof Penderecki

The Great Online Dating Experiment, Pt. 2. The sexiest disease.

Okay, we've established that some men aren't too fussy when it comes to the mass slaughter of unfavoured ethnic populations. I've decided to do a new poll. Which disease is sexiest?

1. Having a goiter?

2. Scurvy?

3. Cotard delusion? (The belief that you're dead)

I've decided to sate my knowledge by putting up profiles on adultmatchmaker.com.au - goiter_gal, iluvvitaminc, walkingsexydead. Will update you.

The medical profession will benefit greatly from determining which diseases are diagnosed as being sexy.

Get down with yo' M.P., yeah you know me

It has been reported by the Sydney Morning Herald, among others, that Singaporean politicians were showing how "phat" and "fly" they were by donning hip-hop gear. We have obtained photos of similar events in Australia.

It's now Parliamentary procedure policy for our MPs to wear their hats sideways.

The Great Internet Dating Experiments, Pt 1- The conclusion.

I'll leave you with some of the more strange responses I've received from ilovedicktator's profile. It really is worrisome.

"Hi, I just luv ur photo.It reminds me of the movie stars from 1940's." That's right, boy, it's Eva Braun. "You scare me a bit.I like that." So he bats off to that kid from The Exorcist. The truth comes out. "I am an extremely handsome bachelor,mid 40's'no ties." And yet, he claims to be 33 on his website. What a man of integrity. (Not that I can talk.)

From paul200: "Guess what the 200mm stands for!" I don't know. The distance of the restraining order issued against him by the NSW Supreme Court on behalf of several of the women on here, divided by 1000?

There's also: "Haha! Gotta say that I totally luv ur profile. Goes well with the sexy gal in the pic ;-) Can’t help but get the sense that ur a wild soul. ( or of course the profile’s bogus?-no not a chance )." What the fuck?! So close but yet so far! "Luv 2 hear a girl label herself as ultra right wing!" Pauline Hanson, watch out. He's been taking an especial interest in your appearance on "Dancing With The Stars". Whilst that is funny, this is actually disturbing. "And yes, I am someone that understands that a lady dropping a line to say hullo, may mean just that, Hullo. Or even that it's time to crush some pi*sy lil' peice o sh*t on tha damn map!" Watch out, Tonga.

The hilarious "Hi I am antelligent,fun-lving teacher who loves to teach,learn and be assertive." The ironies present in this one sentence could fill up a blog post. Poor kids he's teaching.

"Yeah, at the moment I dont mind a bit of swinging... looking forward to getting together with you soon.." Awesome. Me neither. Let's hook up.

"Hi!Id like to hook up with you and push ypur boundries baby.." Just like Hitler pushed Germany's boundaries into Austria. Then the Sudetenland. Then Poland. Et cetera.

"would my hard 10inch match ur discreet affair?" That speaks for itself.

And it looks like a certain well-known historical figure has found someone he's fond of.

"Hi there,I just LOVED your profile,It shows the kind of heart a warrior needs to conquer a country or two!The only thing i am lacking right now is the means... it's not easy building a decent sized arsenal from one man's salary.
What do you think would make a great despot?I would definitely require the services of an enigmatic lieutenant, that could make hearts rece and tremble in awe...I would love to hear from you."

Write me, c/o A. Hitler, Reichstag, Berlin, 1933.

Conclusion from the experiment. A vast number of Australian men are either unobservant or uncaring of partner requests like "finding genocide sexy". This really does bode ill for our democracy.

I'm not sure what future research directions this project should take. I'd rather point out people's stupidity rather than deliberately fool them into thinking I'm a wonderful woman (well, ilovedicktators did want sex, but on the other hand she, well, loves dictators). Any suggestions as to how to approach this would be welcome. Particularly with the existence of such websites as countrywesternsingles.com.

The Great Internet Dating Experiment, Pt. 1 - Responses

Sydney has plenty of horny men who lack both inhibition and scruples, it seems. A number of men (about eleven or so) have responded to my phoney profile so far. To update those who can't be bothered scrolling down the page slightly, I made a profile for a dictator-worshipping Sydneysider that was clearly ridiculous. However, there are a number of men who can't work out the "clear" and "ridiculous".

Responses have included:

"This is by far the most unique profile I have read lol. There was another however she was Ulatra left wing..so I doubt you 2 would get along lol. [Au contraire, Hitler and Stalin had the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact. -Ed.] Interesting to see how broad your interests are..Miltary history to shopping with the girls.." Ok, so at least he's noticed something's amiss. But nevertheless..."Look if your interested in chatting or meeting up"...he then proceeds to give me his name and email.

"love to meet up soon.i love erotica,skinnydipping,also love gviing [sic] massages to [sic]." Who doesn't love erotica? Maybe I should just meet up and see if he does a good man-sage.

"Love the photo. a vegeterian diet is being good to you." Thanks!

Now come the actual morons. E.g., bangem1000. I've footnoted it for analysis. "hi im a hot [1] brazillian/indian brown skinned male how loves sex [2] il do al the karma sutra mooves [3] on u 4 days haha holla back 4 a photo or my number".

1. And modest.
2. Who the fuck can't spell "who"?!?!?!!
3. "Mooves"? Maybe he's a graduate of Bovine University.

Having a look at his profile, he informs any interested ladies that "i like hanging out at my beach house and hot sex that goes on for days". Oh, so the '1000' in 'bangem1000' refers to the number of hours in one of his sexual escapades. Dare I holla back? I'm not sure, 'ilovedicktators' ain't no hollaback girl.

There's the gent with the charming name of cltplzr. Now why is a man who chooses that as his dating name single? It's such an informative name - "wow," the girls he writes to must think, "if I contact him via his MySpace site which he handily informed me exists, he'll please my clitoris. What am I waiting for?"

The last response I'll mention:
"well i not 2 sure if genocide is sexy but sometimes i get a laugh out of it does that count". I agree, 'Schindler's List' was a feel-good comedies. This whole Darfur thing is hilarious! LOL! Dead Africans, ROFL!

PS thanks to all those who liked the first post and to blogmaster Lachy!
PPS On the subject of morons, I heard this on Triple M this evening. Presumably it was a 'guess the connection between the songs' contest.

Announcer: We've had Down Under, Kashmir by Led Zeppelin and Great Southern Land.
Caller: Do all the songs start with 'D'?
Announcer: Kashmir starts with 'K' and Great Southern Land starts with 'G'.

Just remember, this guy, and all the wankers who wrote back to a tyrant-worshipping hornbag, all help to choose your elected leaders. Good Lord.

The Great Online Dating Experiment, Part 1: A Regular Dating Site and a Stupid Profile

Here's the deal. We have a new potential blogsmith. After a recent domination of the raw comedy scene in Adelaide, I present to you, Plevs. He isn't an official UpShake member yet, the comments will decide the issue. So, avid readers, is he a Ricky Gervais or a Chris Farley?
~LeBlogMac

Internet dating – a lot of people are against it, I don’t know why. Perhaps they think you start batting off to Microsoft Excel and then move on to looking for women. At least you don’t need to wear a condom when Internet dating. You just use anti-virus software. I’ve been meeting ladies from the Internet, on and off, for about two years now – with varying levels of success.

When your only competition is an obnoxious paperclip, online dating should be easy.

Saturday 17 December 2006: PASH!

Problem: this is part of the conversation.

Me: I like cheese.

Her: Wogs like cheese.

After a bit more pashing later on, I went home, took a few bites out of my Camembert (I am 1/4 Italian), had a wet dream about some Mozzarella, and have never seen her since.

Thursday 15 February 2007: PASH!

Problem: she’s not really my type. Besides, I think she was just upset that she didn't get any roses the day before (Valentine's Day).

Two pashes out of meeting twenty girls. That’s a 10% success rate. Some online girls are lovely and I still keep in contact with them. Some are doofuses and are best left to other men.

Not everyone is unsuccessful with dating and computers.

Why am I having so little success on these dating sites? Are they been frightened away by men who show them pictures of their penises before bothering to say hello? Well, I’ve decided to find out how stupid these men are. I’ve made a profile, ilovedicktators, on the free Internet dating site (which also does not seem to vet profiles before they are posted – although they do vet photos) www.singleswhoclick.com.au . Incidentally, I did meet one girl from this site, she was okay, although again, not really my type. Friendly, at least.

With the opening line of “Power corrupts. And makes me horny. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. And makes me absolutely horny”, I’m wondering how many men I can attract.

Will people be so stupid as to write to this? For added effect, I’ve also decided to post a photo of Eva Braun, which unfortunately hasn’t been approved on the site yet.

I’ll keep you posted with who writes to me.

~Plevs