5 tips for full-time employment that Engineers Australia never told you

1. IT Infrastructure Assurance

You must ensure that your e-mail and IM clients are fully functional at all times. In today's high-tech world it goes without saying that an office worker would have great difficulty surviving without these tools. The reason for this, of course, is for fast notification of important events such as- to quote some recent emails I've received:

"CHICKEN IN KITCHEN. COME AND GET IT!"

or "DONUTS IN KITCHEN BE QUICK."

If you lose connection for just a few minutes, all your opportunities for free food will be gone.

2. IT Infrastructure Maximisation

Your computer can never have too much RAM. True office politics in engineering is about scheming and conniving to acquire the most screen real estate and the best computer specs. It doesn't matter if you only use Notepad and a terminal window, bigger is better. Public displays of your IT infrastructure wealth are encouraged. Perhaps photos on your personal blog is too subtle... I know, a screensaver with the text "Mine's 24 inches, how 'bout yours?". That'll do the trick.

3. Meeting Expectations

When given a task, it's of great importance that you meet the expectations of the manager who set it. By meeting expectations you confirm to your superiors that you are a capable employee. If it isn't possible to deliver on-time, explain your difficulties ahead of time with appropriate justification. However, I do stress the phrase is 'MEET' expectations, not 'EXCEED' expectations. If you complete a task earlier than expected, what does that tell your manager? It tells him/her that you are not being pushed hard enough. The next task you can expect to have a day or two cut from the deadline, which takes me back to the root of this tip, Meeting Expectations.

4. Utilising Available Materials

Generally a workplace has a certain location dedicated to providing you with the materials you require. A room, a cupboard, where you can get the right tools to organise your work. Perhaps a diary, or 5 different coloured pens and highlighters. This can also be a treasure trove of goods such as blank DVDs and batteries that can even be used for non-work purposes (or even sold-on at profit!). If you are feeling guilty about 'stealing' company property just think of it this way: If employees go too far and steal too much, the service providing free stuff will be removed altogether... so you need to steal as much as you can before that happens!

5. Internet Security

The largest impediment to good procrastination at work is the obvious limit on going to internet sites which are blatantly stupid and/or prrrn0graphic for hours on end. Successful procrastination requires walking the fine line between starting at news.com and ending with collegehumour.com. Pushing the boundaries the day after your probationary period ends is prudent investigation of your organisation's security and monitoring capabilities. It's very important that you are aware of the status of facebook on your company's block list. Just book it down on your timesheet or include it in your yearly review as Internet Security watch.

The Religion Debate: how does it affect bums?

I have read, heard and seen a lot recently about the religion debate. Today I was reminded of an oft-forgotten side of religious activism: the crazy religious bum. They don't get paid, they don't sing well, they don't have powerful connections, they don't even get anyone to listen to them... ever. But either way they put their hours in, working for The Man, harassing people.

This afternoon I was tapped on the shoulder while at a pedestrian crossing. I turned around to have a dirty middle-aged man thrust his face in mine, open his toothless mouth and say, "Are you a catholic?". I responded with a disinterested "No.", to which he quickly stepped back as if I were the one omitting the foul stench (albeit a poorly-acted action considering he has probably done the same thing a million times).

My loosely topical tie-in is this. If the atheism push reaches bums, then what will be left for them to do? If celebrities are the modern day religious idols, then will I one day be stopped by a man saying, "Are you a Brad or Jen believer?". I pray to our lord Shane Warne that it will never come to that.