A friend of mine is a bit too 20th century and doesn't have a blog as a brain-tap when he needs to get rid of some cerebral baggage. Therefore, I'm posting this email on my blog without his consent. Luckily he has just worked out email so is unlikely to know how to find this for at least a few years.
The following are unnecessary items that I've never wanted before: a cheese knife, a neck pillow and a scarf.
Let's start with the cheese knife. A cheese knife is someone's way of telling their dinner guests they are too good for plastic-wrapped cheese slices. They are seriously one of the most underemployed items in the kitchen, right up with popcorn makers, bread machines (after the first two weeks) and dessert forks. Their entire purpose is absurd and they should be moved out of shops and on to 2am television where Chef Tony and his infomercial buddies can pimp them to gullible suckers. "So Tony, this knife can both cut AND serve the cheese. Amazing."
I will get the following specialised knives before I consider buying a cheese knife: dim sim knife, crepe blade and chicken schnitzel with mushroom sauce dagger. Until then I will continue to struggle through life using a butter knife, which coincidentally is the product most identical to cheese.
Moving on. When I see a man with a neck pillow I see a man who has lost the will to live. A pillow for your neck? Seriously. I'm sure they are amazingly comfortable, making long journeys pass effortlessly; that doesn't make them ok. I'm sure you can get some damn comfortable swastika-emblazoned Nazi pillows, but I won't be buying them either. I bet Hitler had a neck pillow.
No, I'm content to roll up my jacket, lean uncomfortably against the window and wake up two hours later with a zip imprint in my face and severe neck pain. That's how bus travel is meant to be.
Scarves are the foreskin of the clothing world. Not useful, a bit funny looking with the sole purpose of keeping your head warm. Now I'm not opposed to them on any deep level, they just don't seem all that functional.
So why am I entering the scarf owning community, you ask. Let me explain. I've just finished an overseas holiday and like to think that I travel well - adapting to local cultures and traditions. If I moved to Holland within a week I would be wearing clogs and sniffing tulips to a backdrop of windmills. A month in Scotland would see me riding the Loch Ness monster while wearing a kilt and playing 'Oh wee white rose of Scotland' on the bagpipes.
So I thought why not take the same approach for my impending move to Melbourne. Bring on the trams, the footy and the moccacino-frappe-lattes (half skim, half soy). When in Rome, do as the Romans. When in Melbourne, get yourself a scarf.
Oh, but if I ever move to Bega I'm still not buying a bloody cheese knife.
