Book Review #2 aka Cheap laughs from generation gaps

This is just a quick review of a fabulous novel I found recently among the trash and treasure that is my ex-house mate's stuff.

The piece was released semi-recently by that most reputable of publishing firms, Beaver Books, and is the classic title, "Gay Stories For Girls".

Since I found it last week, there's nothing more that I like to do on an evening than to pick up Gay and have a read.

It is a mystery to me exactly why Copenhagen is 'The Gay City', but I'm sure JF Burke knew what he/she was on about. I mean, it says "The Danes (aka The Gays) love to sit at restaurants". Need I spell it out more?

Finally, this heartfelt story about a trio of women finding it difficult to open up about their sexuality really touched me. "Feeling properly caught out, they were backing away when, evidently stirred by a sudden (sexual) impulse, the woman began beckoning them".

The Angry Socialist

Attention fellow revolutionaries,

Every man shall be equal if I have to personally fuck each and every last one of you fuckers. Too old to hang with the emo kids; too much struggle for the conformed masses, I've been left to search the world over for a new start, a new beginning. One caricature exchanged for another. Ah, the relief of the sub-culture.

So, help me. Help me un-fuck the world (I already have the catchy slogan down). Help me stick it to the man, the, apathetic, the latte sipping bourgeois and the capitalist pigs.

Help me. But, be aware, it's not all hard work; we will get to wear our drab earthy greys and browns. Berets are all the rage in our crowd. If you really want to get into it, grow some prematurely fuzzy beatnik facial hair. I know you're gonna fit right in. We're also pretty liberal with personal hygiene. So yeah, you know, bathing is optional and stuff. The working, every-man's time has come. Together we shall overthrow our corrupt and evil over capitalist masters.

But hold on; one step at a time. Mum won't buy me a car for my birthday and Dad belittles my ultra-veganism (someone molested a cow for you to have that milkshake). They'll both totally freak if i get one of those really cool wicker tattoos. Life is so unfair!

- The Angry Socialist



Dear Moron,

You are an idiot. Given, what with technological advances in all areas (the information age: all answers, no questions), the world is smaller now than it ever has been. There is something seriously fucking wrong with someone who wants to adopt the struggle of a people from a different time, place and culture and wear it as their own fashion accessory. 'Avoidance', I think is the name of the technical name, that is of course, if it's not down outright superficial vanity. Take off your Che Guevara T-shirt, I don't care how well it goes with your ripped jeans and how alternative it makes you look. I hate you and you're not my real father.

regards, Cam

The Great Online Dating Experiment, Pt. 2. The sexiest disease.

Okay, we've established that some men aren't too fussy when it comes to the mass slaughter of unfavoured ethnic populations. I've decided to do a new poll. Which disease is sexiest?

1. Having a goiter?

2. Scurvy?

3. Cotard delusion? (The belief that you're dead)

I've decided to sate my knowledge by putting up profiles on adultmatchmaker.com.au - goiter_gal, iluvvitaminc, walkingsexydead. Will update you.

The medical profession will benefit greatly from determining which diseases are diagnosed as being sexy.

A salute to Music's unsung heroes

Yeah, yeah, we've all heard bands saying how they were totally blown away by Velvet Underground and Nico or the Smiths or Kraftwerk or whatever and then they went and formed their contemporary R&B/electronica/alt-country/jazz-funk fusion combo that plays at the Wheatsheaf every second Tuesday night and oh my God isn't the obscure Krautrock movement so fucking awesome.

I'm sick of it. Lou Reed, Morrissey, Flavor Flav etc don't really need any bigger egos from people giving them mad props for their influential music. Today, I'm going to salute the really influential music. The true unsung heroes and masterpieces of the melodic arts.

Recognise any of these songs?

1. GRAN VALS, Francisco Tarrega

2. Orchestral Suite No. 2 in B Minor, BADINERIE, J.S. Bach

3. ENTRY OF THE GLADIATORS, Julian Fučík

4. TAR SEQUENCE, Lalo Schifrin

5. THE MISSION, John Williams

6. STREETS OF CAIRO, Sol Bloom (?).

You do. They are - (1) What the Nokia ringtone is derived from, (2) another song you'd most certainly recognise in ringtone format, (3) The classic "do, do, doodle-doodle, do do doo do" circus clown song, (4) National Nine News' theme song (from the movie Cool Hand Luke which stars Paul Newman, so think of that when you use your substandard pasta sauce to make an Amatriciana), (5) Seven Nightly News' theme song, (6) the music that cartoons play to indicate the presence of a magic carpet, a genie or an Egyptian.

And have you heard of Peter Wall and Tony Ansell? No? Tony Ansell was a jazz musician and a session player on Richard Clapton's song "Girls on the Avenue". He, along with Peter Wall, also wrote the old ABC news theme. (You know, the awesome one, not the current less cool one.)

Soulseek it up or look for the MIDIs online, you'll find at least some of them.

So, I present to you The Ringo Awards: an attempt to find some of the most underappreciated composers of our time, named after the most underappreciated Beatle. I will attempt to track down our nation's most precious musical resources and honours them accordingly.

The winner of the first Ringo Award: Rafael May. He composed the music for that especially erotic Nissan Tiida advertisement with that chick from Sex and the City. I decided to write to him to express my appreciation. I urge you to do the same.