Problem: A friend is basing an entire conversation around a word with which you are not familiar.
Solution: Quickly as possible change the subject back to how cool the original TMNT movie was; then take a mental note: Your friend is a wanky, pretentious knob. Try and minimize contact with him/her on all further occasions. Then become au fait with the word and all its possible connotations, then try and work it into as many conversations as possible. You will impress others with your obviously extensive vocabulary. (Perfect example of a wanky pretentious knob: deliberate use of words, such as 'au fait', when an English equivalent is both clearer and easier)
Problem: You bump into and old friend, acquaintance or colleague in a situation that requires more that a polite smile and nod. You have run out of your one and a half minute of chit-chat.
Solution: A method upon which the entire fields of psychiatry and clinical psychology are based, play dead. Basically its a game of awkward-chicken: The first person to crack has to supply the next subject in conversation. Although this requires some initial stoicism (it takes a little practice), the rewards far out weigh the effort, with your only requirements for the following subject a few 'uh-huhs'. When that subject finishes, do it again. This method also comes in handy when it's your shout or when the check comes.
For the expert: try this method when asked a direct question. If you close your eyes and slump down on the ground you've probably gone too far. If your opponent calls an ambulance, you've definitely gone too far, although you will obviously have mastered the technique and have earned my admiration.
Problem: Procrastination. Finding that you just can't get the simplest tasks done with out an impending deadline hanging above you.
Solution: Unprotected sex with strangers. Not only will you get to experience the instant gratification of one night stands, but you find that your newly acquired STDs will help you find the motivation to achieve those life goals. Time will be precious, to be prolific will be a requirement.
feel free to write in with any problems you might have. i'll do my best to help you out.
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5 comments:
Hmmm. You've been using words I don't know recently, then you fell asleep when I was talking to you last week.... Something to tell us regarding the last problem then?
Awesome, I didn't realise that my neurosyphilis could help me get my
tutes done before the tutorial. Just another benefit of sex tourism.
Problem: someone I otherwise respect likes Rove. What should I do?
paul,
firstly, you might want to redefine your obviously lax standards for respect.
Then you might want to point out that 'grey's anatomy' is on at the same time as rove and that if you are going to watch complete shite, you might at as well be watching the unresolved sexual tension between McDreamy and grey (there's no unresolved sexual tension on rove, we all know he and peter hellier have been getting it on for years. although if they're gonna involve the corpse of belinda emmett then that might be worth watching [too far?]), while also learning about the hardships that face doctors with model-like good looks.
I don't have a suggested problem, but I do have a suggested solution to any of your problems and more.
"The man then picked up a kitchen knife and slashed himself across the wrist and groin areas before running back into the restaurant, where he continued to stab himself."
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