Open letter to the editor

Dear Sir/ Ma'am,

I have noticed an alarming trend in your paper's coverage of one of the most pressing matters of the twenty-first century; a complete denial of current trends. Your paper does a very professional and informative job when covering childhood obesity, what is currently 'hot' in the fashion industry, Kylie Minogue's shocking battle with breast cancer, what and who those crazy footballers have been groping on their end of season trips and a complete and thorough coverage of why those pesky petrol prices are so darn high and the best way to combat them with the most efficient shopper-dockets. However, I raise an issue that your paper, like many others, refuses to touch. I am not a {edit: stark} raving lunatic, please hear me out.

The scent that Subway restaurants has pumped out into the public air and oxygen supply must be illegal. If it is not, it should be and soon. The children are exposed to it. The stupid, the naive, the ignorant, the elderly, the gullible, the weak and the lame are exposed to it. The innocent are exposed to it. Everyone is exposed to it - It is unavoidable. It is very alarming. Subway restaurants are using this odour as a form of mind control. I cannot stress enough how alarming this is. The scent wafts through the air as I innocently pass by the streets of town, it penetrates the air floats up my nose then sits at the back of my head on my brain like a thick translucent paste, like a child's edible glue, rendering my thought to a spluttering stutter through a thick, pea-soup fog. Thoughts are replaced with demands. Demands are dealt from a distinct bold authoritative voice.

This in itself would not be a huge problem if all I heard was, "Mmmm, eat at Subway restaurants for a low priced, healthy, convenient meal.", but it's not; i hear more. While it is true, I do hear the previous statement, I hear more; more disturbing things. I hear "Vote liberal; join the union; abandon God; crush the infidels; honour thy mother and father; covet thy neighbour's wife's ass". I hear "serve; obey; destruct; rebel". The scent demands it's confirmatory revolution. It demands it's anarchistic conformity.

Given the chance, the Scent will rule with an iron fist. We will be crushed in It's totalitarian vice. And your paper says nothing! Each day It grows stronger; It's influence spreads. It spreads like wildfire; like ignorance and stupidity. Escape the influence of the stench of one store only to be caught by the next, like the worm on a hook; like the fish on the worm on the hook; like the person that eats the fish, that ate the worm, that was skewered onto the hook. Still, your paper says nothing!

Such a benevolent veneer for such a belligerently malevolent technique. I'm left to wonder where the abuse will end. Will I step through the bus-stop advertisements for re-conditioning shock-therapy? Forcefully suggestive elevator music? They must be stopped while we still have the means.


Thankyou for your time and hopefully you can wield your significant resources to combat evils such as this, not petty matters of fashion.

Cam. Stirling.

P.S. I loved the Fred Basset comic today! Oh my, he does get into some mischief, doesn't he?