Naming a child after a Web 2.0 online Florist

I was perusing one of those school fund-raising tea towels yesterday and found a particularly unusual name. There were the standard six-yr-old attempts at self-portraits drawn by 'Jack', 'Tim', and the classically alternatively spelt names 'Rylee' and 'Izee'. But 'Flowr' caught my eye- what a name. I guess the parents thought 'Flower' was too woodstock-hippy for their liking and dropped the e. Now I'm going to have to name my first child 'Flickr'. Or perhaps to make things simple if it is a girl I should name her 'Daughtr'...

EngVibe.com.au becoming more than just a vibe

Here's a shameless plug for a new site created for Engineering students, graduates and professionals alike.

"A news and resource site, EngVibe exists to provide information for those considering, or working towards a career in engineering. A key aim of EngVibe is to celebrate the successes of individuals and organisations and publicly recognise the hard work and significant achievements within the engineering field."

Website: EngVibe.com.au
Submit your own stories to: submit@engvibe.com

5 tips for full-time employment that Engineers Australia never told you

1. IT Infrastructure Assurance

You must ensure that your e-mail and IM clients are fully functional at all times. In today's high-tech world it goes without saying that an office worker would have great difficulty surviving without these tools. The reason for this, of course, is for fast notification of important events such as- to quote some recent emails I've received:

"CHICKEN IN KITCHEN. COME AND GET IT!"

or "DONUTS IN KITCHEN BE QUICK."

If you lose connection for just a few minutes, all your opportunities for free food will be gone.

2. IT Infrastructure Maximisation

Your computer can never have too much RAM. True office politics in engineering is about scheming and conniving to acquire the most screen real estate and the best computer specs. It doesn't matter if you only use Notepad and a terminal window, bigger is better. Public displays of your IT infrastructure wealth are encouraged. Perhaps photos on your personal blog is too subtle... I know, a screensaver with the text "Mine's 24 inches, how 'bout yours?". That'll do the trick.

3. Meeting Expectations

When given a task, it's of great importance that you meet the expectations of the manager who set it. By meeting expectations you confirm to your superiors that you are a capable employee. If it isn't possible to deliver on-time, explain your difficulties ahead of time with appropriate justification. However, I do stress the phrase is 'MEET' expectations, not 'EXCEED' expectations. If you complete a task earlier than expected, what does that tell your manager? It tells him/her that you are not being pushed hard enough. The next task you can expect to have a day or two cut from the deadline, which takes me back to the root of this tip, Meeting Expectations.

4. Utilising Available Materials

Generally a workplace has a certain location dedicated to providing you with the materials you require. A room, a cupboard, where you can get the right tools to organise your work. Perhaps a diary, or 5 different coloured pens and highlighters. This can also be a treasure trove of goods such as blank DVDs and batteries that can even be used for non-work purposes (or even sold-on at profit!). If you are feeling guilty about 'stealing' company property just think of it this way: If employees go too far and steal too much, the service providing free stuff will be removed altogether... so you need to steal as much as you can before that happens!

5. Internet Security

The largest impediment to good procrastination at work is the obvious limit on going to internet sites which are blatantly stupid and/or prrrn0graphic for hours on end. Successful procrastination requires walking the fine line between starting at news.com and ending with collegehumour.com. Pushing the boundaries the day after your probationary period ends is prudent investigation of your organisation's security and monitoring capabilities. It's very important that you are aware of the status of facebook on your company's block list. Just book it down on your timesheet or include it in your yearly review as Internet Security watch.

The Religion Debate: how does it affect bums?

I have read, heard and seen a lot recently about the religion debate. Today I was reminded of an oft-forgotten side of religious activism: the crazy religious bum. They don't get paid, they don't sing well, they don't have powerful connections, they don't even get anyone to listen to them... ever. But either way they put their hours in, working for The Man, harassing people.

This afternoon I was tapped on the shoulder while at a pedestrian crossing. I turned around to have a dirty middle-aged man thrust his face in mine, open his toothless mouth and say, "Are you a catholic?". I responded with a disinterested "No.", to which he quickly stepped back as if I were the one omitting the foul stench (albeit a poorly-acted action considering he has probably done the same thing a million times).

My loosely topical tie-in is this. If the atheism push reaches bums, then what will be left for them to do? If celebrities are the modern day religious idols, then will I one day be stopped by a man saying, "Are you a Brad or Jen believer?". I pray to our lord Shane Warne that it will never come to that.

Plevin07.com

So you may have heard that Kevin Rudd has launched a new election website.

I say two can play at that game. Launched today was plevin07.com.

More will be revealed shortly so stay tuned.

Chicks in politics

There is no better forum than UpShake.com for the news that there's now an all-female party in Australia. Yeah, yeah, legitimate feminist concerns about our phallocentric society aside, this party is called the What Women Want Australia Party. I shit you not. (You can check out their website here.) A party named after a shitty Mel Gibson movie. (Sure, Family First could be the Passion of the Christ party.) Anyway that reminds me, you should watch The Year of Living Dangerously if it ever comes on telly again, it's not a bad movie. And it stars Mel Gibson.

What Women Want: is the party as shit as the movie?

I'd be worried about a political party named after a feel-good romantic comedy, wouldn't you? Or should we be more concerned that this is a political party named after a vehicle for Mel Gibson, a well-known ANTI-SEMITE?! And look at their hard-line pacifist ideology on the war for liberation in Iraq - a war, which, it is well-known would bring peace and stability to the people of the Middle East! Clearly this party HATES JEWS!!! Who are they funded by, Iran? Ironic...since Iran is well-known for its misogynist government policies...

On that note, I may have added Jews to the list of religions we've offended here at UpShake.com (Christians, Muslims, Scientologists).

A bit of a heads-up for the pagans - you're next.

SlamBall

I've seen a lot of films set in the future that depict sports fanatics obsessing over bizarre futuristic sports. If I was to trust this crystal ball gazing, I would be predicting a new age where the 'best' elements of existing sports are mashed together with a sprinkle of showmanship and a dash of violence.

The future is NOW. Well 2002-3 was. Welcome to SLAMBALL. Slamball's premise is:

(from their website) "What would you get if you took the athletic components of football, basketball, hockey and gymnastics, and mixed them together with the insanity of action sports?"



I hear the protective parents in you yelling the old equation-
basketball + trampolines = (oh so much pain)*π
Fear not. With a bit of supervision, children can be just like their Slamball idols. Or maybe not (that's one of the top viewed videos on youtube, a testament to Slamball's popularity, no?).

So why did this sport not continue beyond its first 2 years of competition? I can't believe it was over before I knew about it. Perhaps Mason Gordon, creator and player of Slamball, couldn't find enough players to fill the teams as each player requires a few rare superhuman attributes:

"You have to be tough as aluminum siding to play this game," says Gordon, "and your heart has to be bigger than your entire chest. You have to possess boundless belief in yourself and your ability. If you don't have that, you can't come close to playing SlamBall at this level."

Man Vs Beast

Evolution-tards

Nerdy Standups

Those who know Plevs' recent attempts in the world of stand-up comedy already have some experience with nerd-comedy.

We are a lucky country, it's been said, and it's true. We've had a pretty peaceful past compared to most countries. But it's funny what people will say. "Yew oughta support the Americans. If it weren't for them we'd all be eating sushi." (shrug) That would in actual fact be awesome. So if the Japanese had rolled into Darwin in 1942, they would have brought us some sushi? What do they say in Turkey these days? "You must support the valiant defenders of Gallipoli! If it weren't for them you'd all be eating Chiko rolls." ~Plevs' raw comedy set 2007.

However, I think this guy defeats even Plevs on all counts. As the self-proclaimed "world's first and only stand-up economist*", Yoram Bauman has tried the world of comedy after many years of study left him the brains, but unfortunately also the body, of Stephen Hawking.

Anyway, check out his take on the core principles of Economics- video and transcript.
This one is amusing because of the very narrow group of people that will get it, but that's what we like about our nerdy comedians. They seem certain that everyone will understand their humour as it is so obvious to them in the first place. If you don't quite get any of it after watching the video, I recommend reading the transcript. Maybe it isn't as much of an instant hit as Generic Wheelchair Guy making jokes about being disabled, or Token Black Guy making jokes about racial sterotypes, or...you know where this goes... but after dissecting his points you just might find it hilarious. Or if not, just laugh at this bit from his site:

"My father says that the real joke is my abandoning nine years of higher education to pursue a career in stand-up comedy. Please help me prove him wrong by hiring me to perform at your holiday parties &etc. "

Here's him again doing something less economicsy about bumper stickers. You can also check out the Freakonomics post from a while back.

Once you go black, you never go back

Our Prime Minister sure has been acting funny this year. First he's criticising Barack Obama, saying that if he were al-Qaeda, he'd be praying for an Obama victory. Then he's off banning Snoop Dogg touring Australia. Now Mr Howard has banned our cricket team from touring Robert Mugabe's Zimbabwe.

Let's take a look at all these people.




Notice anything in common with these three men? Apart from their taste in high couture?

Yeah that's right. All I'm saying, is if the Up In Smoke tour ever comes Down Under, it'll just be Eminem...

Fried chicken: Kevin Rudd's secret election ploy

It's that time of year again

Eurovision! When United Europe fragments once more into little fiefdoms based on awful songs. Serbia was the winner this year:



with Marija Serifovic, who looks like the Balkans' answer to k.d. lang.

Switzerland - Europe's bastion of peace, freedom and neutrality, and home to the 80's electronic act Yello ("Oh Yeah", as in Ferris Bueller's Day Off and the Duff-Man Song), brought out DJ Bobo this year. The lyrics are haunting, eerie as one might expect for a song called "I Am A Vampire".

I am a vampire, I'm a slave
A slave to the daylight, hence my grave

Lithuania, famous for last year's "We Are The Winners" effort, brought out an act at this contest called 4Fun (bah, rip-off of 4 Non Blondes) and a song called "Love or Leave". Listen to the opening bongo solo and tell me it's not a rip-off of Dido's "Thank You".



Europe still has many countries that aren't entrants to Eurovision including, but not limited to:
1. Chechnya
2. Sealand
3. The Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus
4. The Vatican

Come on, Pope Benedict XVI, do your new country proud. He could pump out some old German-language hits like Kraftwerk, Falco or "Who Do You Think You're Kidding Mr Hitler".

Molvania's entry to Eurovision

History corner! South Australia had the winning entry for the for the 1898 Australian Colonies Vision with Chunky Custard (below)

Asteroids? more like ass-teroids

There are thousands of asteroids (google it bitches). Since there aren't thousands of Greek gods, they've got to start naming them after other things. Guess what asteroid number 6433 is named?

Enya.

That's right, that bullshit singer known for turd music that even elevators refuse to play. What the fuck are astronomers on, naming asteroids after fucking Enya? What if Enya strikes Earth? Would we be wiped out in a wave of shitty, ironically unrelaxing synth-based pseudo-Celtic music? Arrrrggghh.

Love from the angry spaceman

Jesus Freak

"People say I'm strange, does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger"

~DC Talk's 'Jesus Freak' (proving for hopefully the last time that Christian Rock is an oxymoron)

Writing lyrics is hard at the best of times, let alone if you have to try and cram words like 'manger' into a chorus.

Just had to put that out there. Rest of the lyrics here.

DC Talk - Jesus Freak

The gayest video I've ever seen.

Best op shop find ever

Did you know that Tony Barber (ex-Sale of the Century, Wheel of Fortune) sings? Well neither did I...until I found his cassette I BELIEVE which contains various religious songs!!!!! Best $2 or whatever I've spent in a while. Guaranteed to take the 'lapsed' out of this lapsed Catholic and convert all you heathens out there.

Thus I shall institute the OP SHOP GAME: if you can find any musical recording equally worthy, I shall pay a prize (probably shout you a round of drinks or something). And I'd be all too keen to buy this shite off of you.

Imaginary Examples of what would be considered WORTHY might include: The Moog Orchestra Plays The Hits of Prince, hyopethetical albums by Larry Emdur or Anton Enus, oompah band recordings from Hahndorf, yah yah you get the drift.

Kamahl doesn't count. His recordings proliferate like mould in the opportunity shops of Adelaide.

Sign of the Times

My favourite new store. Word is that Cam has been lurking here trying to listen in on his favourite crowd for some new material. I don't know about you, but I generally think that if a female is in the process of creating another life she generally qualifies for the title of 'woman'.

A Guide to Social Adequacy

Problem: A friend is basing an entire conversation around a word with which you are not familiar.

Solution: Quickly as possible change the subject back to how cool the original TMNT movie was; then take a mental note: Your friend is a wanky, pretentious knob. Try and minimize contact with him/her on all further occasions. Then become au fait with the word and all its possible connotations, then try and work it into as many conversations as possible. You will impress others with your obviously extensive vocabulary. (Perfect example of a wanky pretentious knob: deliberate use of words, such as 'au fait', when an English equivalent is both clearer and easier)


Problem: You bump into and old friend, acquaintance or colleague in a situation that requires more that a polite smile and nod. You have run out of your one and a half minute of chit-chat.

Solution: A method upon which the entire fields of psychiatry and clinical psychology are based, play dead. Basically its a game of awkward-chicken: The first person to crack has to supply the next subject in conversation. Although this requires some initial stoicism (it takes a little practice), the rewards far out weigh the effort, with your only requirements for the following subject a few 'uh-huhs'. When that subject finishes, do it again. This method also comes in handy when it's your shout or when the check comes.

For the expert: try this method when asked a direct question. If you close your eyes and slump down on the ground you've probably gone too far. If your opponent calls an ambulance, you've definitely gone too far, although you will obviously have mastered the technique and have earned my admiration.


Problem: Procrastination. Finding that you just can't get the simplest tasks done with out an impending deadline hanging above you.


Solution: Unprotected sex with strangers. Not only will you get to experience the instant gratification of one night stands, but you find that your newly acquired STDs will help you find the motivation to achieve those life goals. Time will be precious, to be prolific will be a requirement.


feel free to write in with any problems you might have. i'll do my best to help you out.

Konceited Krap

Plevs, you probably would've walked past this guy even if he had a neon sign. To make things worse you would've been humming this tune at the time...

Klassical Korner

Take a seat in your comfortable recliner, pour yourself a gin and tonic and look down your noses at the masses. Thanks to the helpful suggestions below, you have now discovered CLASSICAL MUSIC. You now have street cred with that hot flautist from the Symphony Orchestra. Or Vangelis. Whoever takes your fancy.

1. Arvo Pärt - Spiegel im Spiegel
2. Tchaikovsky - Russian Dance (from The Nutcracker)
3. Erik Satie - Trois Gymnopedies
4. Schubert - Ave Maria
5. Gyorges Ligeti - Requiem For Soprano, Mezzo Soprano, Two Mixed Choirs and Orchestra
6. Tchaikovsky - Andante, Symphony no. 6 in B Minor, Op. 24- Pathetique
7. Gustav Holst - Mars, The Bringer of War
8. Dvorak - Largo from Symphony no. 9
9. Debussy - Claire de Lune
10. for the hell of it - the very jarring "Threnody for the Victims of Hiroshima" by Krzysztof Penderecki