Man Vs Beast

Evolution-tards

Nerdy Standups

Those who know Plevs' recent attempts in the world of stand-up comedy already have some experience with nerd-comedy.

We are a lucky country, it's been said, and it's true. We've had a pretty peaceful past compared to most countries. But it's funny what people will say. "Yew oughta support the Americans. If it weren't for them we'd all be eating sushi." (shrug) That would in actual fact be awesome. So if the Japanese had rolled into Darwin in 1942, they would have brought us some sushi? What do they say in Turkey these days? "You must support the valiant defenders of Gallipoli! If it weren't for them you'd all be eating Chiko rolls." ~Plevs' raw comedy set 2007.

However, I think this guy defeats even Plevs on all counts. As the self-proclaimed "world's first and only stand-up economist*", Yoram Bauman has tried the world of comedy after many years of study left him the brains, but unfortunately also the body, of Stephen Hawking.

Anyway, check out his take on the core principles of Economics- video and transcript.
This one is amusing because of the very narrow group of people that will get it, but that's what we like about our nerdy comedians. They seem certain that everyone will understand their humour as it is so obvious to them in the first place. If you don't quite get any of it after watching the video, I recommend reading the transcript. Maybe it isn't as much of an instant hit as Generic Wheelchair Guy making jokes about being disabled, or Token Black Guy making jokes about racial sterotypes, or...you know where this goes... but after dissecting his points you just might find it hilarious. Or if not, just laugh at this bit from his site:

"My father says that the real joke is my abandoning nine years of higher education to pursue a career in stand-up comedy. Please help me prove him wrong by hiring me to perform at your holiday parties &etc. "

Here's him again doing something less economicsy about bumper stickers. You can also check out the Freakonomics post from a while back.

Once you go black, you never go back

Our Prime Minister sure has been acting funny this year. First he's criticising Barack Obama, saying that if he were al-Qaeda, he'd be praying for an Obama victory. Then he's off banning Snoop Dogg touring Australia. Now Mr Howard has banned our cricket team from touring Robert Mugabe's Zimbabwe.

Let's take a look at all these people.




Notice anything in common with these three men? Apart from their taste in high couture?

Yeah that's right. All I'm saying, is if the Up In Smoke tour ever comes Down Under, it'll just be Eminem...

Fried chicken: Kevin Rudd's secret election ploy

It's that time of year again

Eurovision! When United Europe fragments once more into little fiefdoms based on awful songs. Serbia was the winner this year:



with Marija Serifovic, who looks like the Balkans' answer to k.d. lang.

Switzerland - Europe's bastion of peace, freedom and neutrality, and home to the 80's electronic act Yello ("Oh Yeah", as in Ferris Bueller's Day Off and the Duff-Man Song), brought out DJ Bobo this year. The lyrics are haunting, eerie as one might expect for a song called "I Am A Vampire".

I am a vampire, I'm a slave
A slave to the daylight, hence my grave

Lithuania, famous for last year's "We Are The Winners" effort, brought out an act at this contest called 4Fun (bah, rip-off of 4 Non Blondes) and a song called "Love or Leave". Listen to the opening bongo solo and tell me it's not a rip-off of Dido's "Thank You".



Europe still has many countries that aren't entrants to Eurovision including, but not limited to:
1. Chechnya
2. Sealand
3. The Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus
4. The Vatican

Come on, Pope Benedict XVI, do your new country proud. He could pump out some old German-language hits like Kraftwerk, Falco or "Who Do You Think You're Kidding Mr Hitler".

Molvania's entry to Eurovision

History corner! South Australia had the winning entry for the for the 1898 Australian Colonies Vision with Chunky Custard (below)

Asteroids? more like ass-teroids

There are thousands of asteroids (google it bitches). Since there aren't thousands of Greek gods, they've got to start naming them after other things. Guess what asteroid number 6433 is named?

Enya.

That's right, that bullshit singer known for turd music that even elevators refuse to play. What the fuck are astronomers on, naming asteroids after fucking Enya? What if Enya strikes Earth? Would we be wiped out in a wave of shitty, ironically unrelaxing synth-based pseudo-Celtic music? Arrrrggghh.

Love from the angry spaceman

Jesus Freak

"People say I'm strange, does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger"

~DC Talk's 'Jesus Freak' (proving for hopefully the last time that Christian Rock is an oxymoron)

Writing lyrics is hard at the best of times, let alone if you have to try and cram words like 'manger' into a chorus.

Just had to put that out there. Rest of the lyrics here.

DC Talk - Jesus Freak

The gayest video I've ever seen.

Best op shop find ever

Did you know that Tony Barber (ex-Sale of the Century, Wheel of Fortune) sings? Well neither did I...until I found his cassette I BELIEVE which contains various religious songs!!!!! Best $2 or whatever I've spent in a while. Guaranteed to take the 'lapsed' out of this lapsed Catholic and convert all you heathens out there.

Thus I shall institute the OP SHOP GAME: if you can find any musical recording equally worthy, I shall pay a prize (probably shout you a round of drinks or something). And I'd be all too keen to buy this shite off of you.

Imaginary Examples of what would be considered WORTHY might include: The Moog Orchestra Plays The Hits of Prince, hyopethetical albums by Larry Emdur or Anton Enus, oompah band recordings from Hahndorf, yah yah you get the drift.

Kamahl doesn't count. His recordings proliferate like mould in the opportunity shops of Adelaide.

Sign of the Times

My favourite new store. Word is that Cam has been lurking here trying to listen in on his favourite crowd for some new material. I don't know about you, but I generally think that if a female is in the process of creating another life she generally qualifies for the title of 'woman'.

A Guide to Social Adequacy

Problem: A friend is basing an entire conversation around a word with which you are not familiar.

Solution: Quickly as possible change the subject back to how cool the original TMNT movie was; then take a mental note: Your friend is a wanky, pretentious knob. Try and minimize contact with him/her on all further occasions. Then become au fait with the word and all its possible connotations, then try and work it into as many conversations as possible. You will impress others with your obviously extensive vocabulary. (Perfect example of a wanky pretentious knob: deliberate use of words, such as 'au fait', when an English equivalent is both clearer and easier)


Problem: You bump into and old friend, acquaintance or colleague in a situation that requires more that a polite smile and nod. You have run out of your one and a half minute of chit-chat.

Solution: A method upon which the entire fields of psychiatry and clinical psychology are based, play dead. Basically its a game of awkward-chicken: The first person to crack has to supply the next subject in conversation. Although this requires some initial stoicism (it takes a little practice), the rewards far out weigh the effort, with your only requirements for the following subject a few 'uh-huhs'. When that subject finishes, do it again. This method also comes in handy when it's your shout or when the check comes.

For the expert: try this method when asked a direct question. If you close your eyes and slump down on the ground you've probably gone too far. If your opponent calls an ambulance, you've definitely gone too far, although you will obviously have mastered the technique and have earned my admiration.


Problem: Procrastination. Finding that you just can't get the simplest tasks done with out an impending deadline hanging above you.


Solution: Unprotected sex with strangers. Not only will you get to experience the instant gratification of one night stands, but you find that your newly acquired STDs will help you find the motivation to achieve those life goals. Time will be precious, to be prolific will be a requirement.


feel free to write in with any problems you might have. i'll do my best to help you out.

Konceited Krap

Plevs, you probably would've walked past this guy even if he had a neon sign. To make things worse you would've been humming this tune at the time...

Klassical Korner

Take a seat in your comfortable recliner, pour yourself a gin and tonic and look down your noses at the masses. Thanks to the helpful suggestions below, you have now discovered CLASSICAL MUSIC. You now have street cred with that hot flautist from the Symphony Orchestra. Or Vangelis. Whoever takes your fancy.

1. Arvo Pärt - Spiegel im Spiegel
2. Tchaikovsky - Russian Dance (from The Nutcracker)
3. Erik Satie - Trois Gymnopedies
4. Schubert - Ave Maria
5. Gyorges Ligeti - Requiem For Soprano, Mezzo Soprano, Two Mixed Choirs and Orchestra
6. Tchaikovsky - Andante, Symphony no. 6 in B Minor, Op. 24- Pathetique
7. Gustav Holst - Mars, The Bringer of War
8. Dvorak - Largo from Symphony no. 9
9. Debussy - Claire de Lune
10. for the hell of it - the very jarring "Threnody for the Victims of Hiroshima" by Krzysztof Penderecki

Book Review #2 aka Cheap laughs from generation gaps

This is just a quick review of a fabulous novel I found recently among the trash and treasure that is my ex-house mate's stuff.

The piece was released semi-recently by that most reputable of publishing firms, Beaver Books, and is the classic title, "Gay Stories For Girls".

Since I found it last week, there's nothing more that I like to do on an evening than to pick up Gay and have a read.

It is a mystery to me exactly why Copenhagen is 'The Gay City', but I'm sure JF Burke knew what he/she was on about. I mean, it says "The Danes (aka The Gays) love to sit at restaurants". Need I spell it out more?

Finally, this heartfelt story about a trio of women finding it difficult to open up about their sexuality really touched me. "Feeling properly caught out, they were backing away when, evidently stirred by a sudden (sexual) impulse, the woman began beckoning them".

The Angry Socialist

Attention fellow revolutionaries,

Every man shall be equal if I have to personally fuck each and every last one of you fuckers. Too old to hang with the emo kids; too much struggle for the conformed masses, I've been left to search the world over for a new start, a new beginning. One caricature exchanged for another. Ah, the relief of the sub-culture.

So, help me. Help me un-fuck the world (I already have the catchy slogan down). Help me stick it to the man, the, apathetic, the latte sipping bourgeois and the capitalist pigs.

Help me. But, be aware, it's not all hard work; we will get to wear our drab earthy greys and browns. Berets are all the rage in our crowd. If you really want to get into it, grow some prematurely fuzzy beatnik facial hair. I know you're gonna fit right in. We're also pretty liberal with personal hygiene. So yeah, you know, bathing is optional and stuff. The working, every-man's time has come. Together we shall overthrow our corrupt and evil over capitalist masters.

But hold on; one step at a time. Mum won't buy me a car for my birthday and Dad belittles my ultra-veganism (someone molested a cow for you to have that milkshake). They'll both totally freak if i get one of those really cool wicker tattoos. Life is so unfair!

- The Angry Socialist



Dear Moron,

You are an idiot. Given, what with technological advances in all areas (the information age: all answers, no questions), the world is smaller now than it ever has been. There is something seriously fucking wrong with someone who wants to adopt the struggle of a people from a different time, place and culture and wear it as their own fashion accessory. 'Avoidance', I think is the name of the technical name, that is of course, if it's not down outright superficial vanity. Take off your Che Guevara T-shirt, I don't care how well it goes with your ripped jeans and how alternative it makes you look. I hate you and you're not my real father.

regards, Cam

The Great Online Dating Experiment, Pt. 2. The sexiest disease.

Okay, we've established that some men aren't too fussy when it comes to the mass slaughter of unfavoured ethnic populations. I've decided to do a new poll. Which disease is sexiest?

1. Having a goiter?

2. Scurvy?

3. Cotard delusion? (The belief that you're dead)

I've decided to sate my knowledge by putting up profiles on adultmatchmaker.com.au - goiter_gal, iluvvitaminc, walkingsexydead. Will update you.

The medical profession will benefit greatly from determining which diseases are diagnosed as being sexy.

A salute to Music's unsung heroes

Yeah, yeah, we've all heard bands saying how they were totally blown away by Velvet Underground and Nico or the Smiths or Kraftwerk or whatever and then they went and formed their contemporary R&B/electronica/alt-country/jazz-funk fusion combo that plays at the Wheatsheaf every second Tuesday night and oh my God isn't the obscure Krautrock movement so fucking awesome.

I'm sick of it. Lou Reed, Morrissey, Flavor Flav etc don't really need any bigger egos from people giving them mad props for their influential music. Today, I'm going to salute the really influential music. The true unsung heroes and masterpieces of the melodic arts.

Recognise any of these songs?

1. GRAN VALS, Francisco Tarrega

2. Orchestral Suite No. 2 in B Minor, BADINERIE, J.S. Bach

3. ENTRY OF THE GLADIATORS, Julian Fučík

4. TAR SEQUENCE, Lalo Schifrin

5. THE MISSION, John Williams

6. STREETS OF CAIRO, Sol Bloom (?).

You do. They are - (1) What the Nokia ringtone is derived from, (2) another song you'd most certainly recognise in ringtone format, (3) The classic "do, do, doodle-doodle, do do doo do" circus clown song, (4) National Nine News' theme song (from the movie Cool Hand Luke which stars Paul Newman, so think of that when you use your substandard pasta sauce to make an Amatriciana), (5) Seven Nightly News' theme song, (6) the music that cartoons play to indicate the presence of a magic carpet, a genie or an Egyptian.

And have you heard of Peter Wall and Tony Ansell? No? Tony Ansell was a jazz musician and a session player on Richard Clapton's song "Girls on the Avenue". He, along with Peter Wall, also wrote the old ABC news theme. (You know, the awesome one, not the current less cool one.)

Soulseek it up or look for the MIDIs online, you'll find at least some of them.

So, I present to you The Ringo Awards: an attempt to find some of the most underappreciated composers of our time, named after the most underappreciated Beatle. I will attempt to track down our nation's most precious musical resources and honours them accordingly.

The winner of the first Ringo Award: Rafael May. He composed the music for that especially erotic Nissan Tiida advertisement with that chick from Sex and the City. I decided to write to him to express my appreciation. I urge you to do the same.

Get down with yo' M.P., yeah you know me

It has been reported by the Sydney Morning Herald, among others, that Singaporean politicians were showing how "phat" and "fly" they were by donning hip-hop gear. We have obtained photos of similar events in Australia.

It's now Parliamentary procedure policy for our MPs to wear their hats sideways.

The Great Internet Dating Experiments, Pt 1- The conclusion.

I'll leave you with some of the more strange responses I've received from ilovedicktator's profile. It really is worrisome.

"Hi, I just luv ur photo.It reminds me of the movie stars from 1940's." That's right, boy, it's Eva Braun. "You scare me a bit.I like that." So he bats off to that kid from The Exorcist. The truth comes out. "I am an extremely handsome bachelor,mid 40's'no ties." And yet, he claims to be 33 on his website. What a man of integrity. (Not that I can talk.)

From paul200: "Guess what the 200mm stands for!" I don't know. The distance of the restraining order issued against him by the NSW Supreme Court on behalf of several of the women on here, divided by 1000?

There's also: "Haha! Gotta say that I totally luv ur profile. Goes well with the sexy gal in the pic ;-) Can’t help but get the sense that ur a wild soul. ( or of course the profile’s bogus?-no not a chance )." What the fuck?! So close but yet so far! "Luv 2 hear a girl label herself as ultra right wing!" Pauline Hanson, watch out. He's been taking an especial interest in your appearance on "Dancing With The Stars". Whilst that is funny, this is actually disturbing. "And yes, I am someone that understands that a lady dropping a line to say hullo, may mean just that, Hullo. Or even that it's time to crush some pi*sy lil' peice o sh*t on tha damn map!" Watch out, Tonga.

The hilarious "Hi I am antelligent,fun-lving teacher who loves to teach,learn and be assertive." The ironies present in this one sentence could fill up a blog post. Poor kids he's teaching.

"Yeah, at the moment I dont mind a bit of swinging... looking forward to getting together with you soon.." Awesome. Me neither. Let's hook up.

"Hi!Id like to hook up with you and push ypur boundries baby.." Just like Hitler pushed Germany's boundaries into Austria. Then the Sudetenland. Then Poland. Et cetera.

"would my hard 10inch match ur discreet affair?" That speaks for itself.

And it looks like a certain well-known historical figure has found someone he's fond of.

"Hi there,I just LOVED your profile,It shows the kind of heart a warrior needs to conquer a country or two!The only thing i am lacking right now is the means... it's not easy building a decent sized arsenal from one man's salary.
What do you think would make a great despot?I would definitely require the services of an enigmatic lieutenant, that could make hearts rece and tremble in awe...I would love to hear from you."

Write me, c/o A. Hitler, Reichstag, Berlin, 1933.

Conclusion from the experiment. A vast number of Australian men are either unobservant or uncaring of partner requests like "finding genocide sexy". This really does bode ill for our democracy.

I'm not sure what future research directions this project should take. I'd rather point out people's stupidity rather than deliberately fool them into thinking I'm a wonderful woman (well, ilovedicktators did want sex, but on the other hand she, well, loves dictators). Any suggestions as to how to approach this would be welcome. Particularly with the existence of such websites as countrywesternsingles.com.

Watching the News, Learning Nothing

I’ve been watching the media with unusual diligence this past week or so. National Nine News, Today Tonight, Dr. Phil, AM, Today - I’ve been watching it all, in addition to the usual reputable stuff. Why am I wasting my time with all this junk? Well, first off I have no job at the moment, so succumbing to the attractions of midday TV as been all too sweet and easy. But there is also a reason for this unprecedented consumption of news rubbish – my university course has recommended that I do it.

To gain a better understanding of the media around us, my lecturers have encouraged us journalism students to view all Australian media, not just the usual pinko stuff like SBS and ABC. This is because commercial organisations are the main information provider for the masses. Also, they are rich as hell – and will pay more in employment. So I might as well get used to their lax morals now if I want to make in the industry.

Anyway, the whole experience has been eye-opener for me (even for someone who grew up reading The Advertiser), and I thought I’d give you some highlights of my media watching over the last few days:

- Channel 7 News ran a story tonight regarding a 12-year-old girl who had been approached by a paedophile as she walked to school. Instead of the usual, ambiguous camera-shots of faceless school yards and children’s backpacks, Channel 7 made the appalling decision to conduct an interview with the girl, in front of her own school. She was crying, extremely upset, mentioned how the man was ‘touching himself’, and then the journalist began grilling her on how it ‘made her feel’ and ‘why it upset you’. The unprofessionalism and insensitivity of the journalist was sickening – the poor girl is only 12. Her face was blotched, but they left her real voice, and her school uniform was clearly visible. I couldn’t believe it. You’re not supposed to interview victims of sexual assault when they are minors!

- Also on Channel 7, they decided to run full 60 second story (the longest piece on their program) on the question of how their football commentators were ‘shaping up’ for the new footy season. Of course, both the commentators in question worked for Channel 7, and, unsurprisingly, they were ‘shaping up very well’.

- A commentator on Channel 9’s Today program referred to Mark Latham, and then Kevin Rudd, as “that other guy who ran before this current guy”. Deep political analysis right there.

- I discovered that Amanda Vanstone, our former Immigration Minister, and all-round Aussie super girl, hosts her own cooking segment on AM. The morning that I tuned in she was cooking Chinese Pork, and displaying the pleasantry and softly spoken manner for she is renowned (with quotes like: “If that’s too much chilly for you, then just bloody add less alright?”). Is this her new career move?

- I found out today that the Herald Sun makes hundreds of thousands of dollars every Valentine’s Day from personal advertisements. It’s not just Hallmark after all…

- Dr. Phil spent at least 2 minutes yesterday grilling a guest on her sexual affairs before marriage. Turns out she’d given oral sex, and had premarital vaginal sex 10 days before the ceremony. Dr. Phil went on, “See that’s your problem. You went to the alter in lust – you had nothing in common but sex.” Thanks Dr.Phil. This couple has endured 8 years of bad, unloving matrimony, and that’s his ‘professional’ diagnosis. They should have waited. Then, assumedly, it would be ok.

- I could go on forever, believe me, but I’ll conclude with by far the biggest commercial news headlines of the past few days, in descending order: 1) Britney Spear’s lack of hair. 2) Who fathered Anna Nicole’s daughter? 3) John Howard thinks Kevin Rudd is “full of himself”. Is he?

The two things I’ve learned from this exercise is that the commercial media industry is scary, and, more importantly, I really gotta get out more.