Plevin07.com

So you may have heard that Kevin Rudd has launched a new election website.

I say two can play at that game. Launched today was plevin07.com.

More will be revealed shortly so stay tuned.

Chicks in politics

There is no better forum than UpShake.com for the news that there's now an all-female party in Australia. Yeah, yeah, legitimate feminist concerns about our phallocentric society aside, this party is called the What Women Want Australia Party. I shit you not. (You can check out their website here.) A party named after a shitty Mel Gibson movie. (Sure, Family First could be the Passion of the Christ party.) Anyway that reminds me, you should watch The Year of Living Dangerously if it ever comes on telly again, it's not a bad movie. And it stars Mel Gibson.

What Women Want: is the party as shit as the movie?

I'd be worried about a political party named after a feel-good romantic comedy, wouldn't you? Or should we be more concerned that this is a political party named after a vehicle for Mel Gibson, a well-known ANTI-SEMITE?! And look at their hard-line pacifist ideology on the war for liberation in Iraq - a war, which, it is well-known would bring peace and stability to the people of the Middle East! Clearly this party HATES JEWS!!! Who are they funded by, Iran? Ironic...since Iran is well-known for its misogynist government policies...

On that note, I may have added Jews to the list of religions we've offended here at UpShake.com (Christians, Muslims, Scientologists).

A bit of a heads-up for the pagans - you're next.

SlamBall

I've seen a lot of films set in the future that depict sports fanatics obsessing over bizarre futuristic sports. If I was to trust this crystal ball gazing, I would be predicting a new age where the 'best' elements of existing sports are mashed together with a sprinkle of showmanship and a dash of violence.

The future is NOW. Well 2002-3 was. Welcome to SLAMBALL. Slamball's premise is:

(from their website) "What would you get if you took the athletic components of football, basketball, hockey and gymnastics, and mixed them together with the insanity of action sports?"



I hear the protective parents in you yelling the old equation-
basketball + trampolines = (oh so much pain)*π
Fear not. With a bit of supervision, children can be just like their Slamball idols. Or maybe not (that's one of the top viewed videos on youtube, a testament to Slamball's popularity, no?).

So why did this sport not continue beyond its first 2 years of competition? I can't believe it was over before I knew about it. Perhaps Mason Gordon, creator and player of Slamball, couldn't find enough players to fill the teams as each player requires a few rare superhuman attributes:

"You have to be tough as aluminum siding to play this game," says Gordon, "and your heart has to be bigger than your entire chest. You have to possess boundless belief in yourself and your ability. If you don't have that, you can't come close to playing SlamBall at this level."

Man Vs Beast

Evolution-tards

Nerdy Standups

Those who know Plevs' recent attempts in the world of stand-up comedy already have some experience with nerd-comedy.

We are a lucky country, it's been said, and it's true. We've had a pretty peaceful past compared to most countries. But it's funny what people will say. "Yew oughta support the Americans. If it weren't for them we'd all be eating sushi." (shrug) That would in actual fact be awesome. So if the Japanese had rolled into Darwin in 1942, they would have brought us some sushi? What do they say in Turkey these days? "You must support the valiant defenders of Gallipoli! If it weren't for them you'd all be eating Chiko rolls." ~Plevs' raw comedy set 2007.

However, I think this guy defeats even Plevs on all counts. As the self-proclaimed "world's first and only stand-up economist*", Yoram Bauman has tried the world of comedy after many years of study left him the brains, but unfortunately also the body, of Stephen Hawking.

Anyway, check out his take on the core principles of Economics- video and transcript.
This one is amusing because of the very narrow group of people that will get it, but that's what we like about our nerdy comedians. They seem certain that everyone will understand their humour as it is so obvious to them in the first place. If you don't quite get any of it after watching the video, I recommend reading the transcript. Maybe it isn't as much of an instant hit as Generic Wheelchair Guy making jokes about being disabled, or Token Black Guy making jokes about racial sterotypes, or...you know where this goes... but after dissecting his points you just might find it hilarious. Or if not, just laugh at this bit from his site:

"My father says that the real joke is my abandoning nine years of higher education to pursue a career in stand-up comedy. Please help me prove him wrong by hiring me to perform at your holiday parties &etc. "

Here's him again doing something less economicsy about bumper stickers. You can also check out the Freakonomics post from a while back.

Once you go black, you never go back

Our Prime Minister sure has been acting funny this year. First he's criticising Barack Obama, saying that if he were al-Qaeda, he'd be praying for an Obama victory. Then he's off banning Snoop Dogg touring Australia. Now Mr Howard has banned our cricket team from touring Robert Mugabe's Zimbabwe.

Let's take a look at all these people.




Notice anything in common with these three men? Apart from their taste in high couture?

Yeah that's right. All I'm saying, is if the Up In Smoke tour ever comes Down Under, it'll just be Eminem...

Fried chicken: Kevin Rudd's secret election ploy

It's that time of year again

Eurovision! When United Europe fragments once more into little fiefdoms based on awful songs. Serbia was the winner this year:



with Marija Serifovic, who looks like the Balkans' answer to k.d. lang.

Switzerland - Europe's bastion of peace, freedom and neutrality, and home to the 80's electronic act Yello ("Oh Yeah", as in Ferris Bueller's Day Off and the Duff-Man Song), brought out DJ Bobo this year. The lyrics are haunting, eerie as one might expect for a song called "I Am A Vampire".

I am a vampire, I'm a slave
A slave to the daylight, hence my grave

Lithuania, famous for last year's "We Are The Winners" effort, brought out an act at this contest called 4Fun (bah, rip-off of 4 Non Blondes) and a song called "Love or Leave". Listen to the opening bongo solo and tell me it's not a rip-off of Dido's "Thank You".



Europe still has many countries that aren't entrants to Eurovision including, but not limited to:
1. Chechnya
2. Sealand
3. The Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus
4. The Vatican

Come on, Pope Benedict XVI, do your new country proud. He could pump out some old German-language hits like Kraftwerk, Falco or "Who Do You Think You're Kidding Mr Hitler".

Molvania's entry to Eurovision

History corner! South Australia had the winning entry for the for the 1898 Australian Colonies Vision with Chunky Custard (below)

Asteroids? more like ass-teroids

There are thousands of asteroids (google it bitches). Since there aren't thousands of Greek gods, they've got to start naming them after other things. Guess what asteroid number 6433 is named?

Enya.

That's right, that bullshit singer known for turd music that even elevators refuse to play. What the fuck are astronomers on, naming asteroids after fucking Enya? What if Enya strikes Earth? Would we be wiped out in a wave of shitty, ironically unrelaxing synth-based pseudo-Celtic music? Arrrrggghh.

Love from the angry spaceman

Jesus Freak

"People say I'm strange, does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger"

~DC Talk's 'Jesus Freak' (proving for hopefully the last time that Christian Rock is an oxymoron)

Writing lyrics is hard at the best of times, let alone if you have to try and cram words like 'manger' into a chorus.

Just had to put that out there. Rest of the lyrics here.

DC Talk - Jesus Freak

The gayest video I've ever seen.

Best op shop find ever

Did you know that Tony Barber (ex-Sale of the Century, Wheel of Fortune) sings? Well neither did I...until I found his cassette I BELIEVE which contains various religious songs!!!!! Best $2 or whatever I've spent in a while. Guaranteed to take the 'lapsed' out of this lapsed Catholic and convert all you heathens out there.

Thus I shall institute the OP SHOP GAME: if you can find any musical recording equally worthy, I shall pay a prize (probably shout you a round of drinks or something). And I'd be all too keen to buy this shite off of you.

Imaginary Examples of what would be considered WORTHY might include: The Moog Orchestra Plays The Hits of Prince, hyopethetical albums by Larry Emdur or Anton Enus, oompah band recordings from Hahndorf, yah yah you get the drift.

Kamahl doesn't count. His recordings proliferate like mould in the opportunity shops of Adelaide.

Sign of the Times

My favourite new store. Word is that Cam has been lurking here trying to listen in on his favourite crowd for some new material. I don't know about you, but I generally think that if a female is in the process of creating another life she generally qualifies for the title of 'woman'.

A Guide to Social Adequacy

Problem: A friend is basing an entire conversation around a word with which you are not familiar.

Solution: Quickly as possible change the subject back to how cool the original TMNT movie was; then take a mental note: Your friend is a wanky, pretentious knob. Try and minimize contact with him/her on all further occasions. Then become au fait with the word and all its possible connotations, then try and work it into as many conversations as possible. You will impress others with your obviously extensive vocabulary. (Perfect example of a wanky pretentious knob: deliberate use of words, such as 'au fait', when an English equivalent is both clearer and easier)


Problem: You bump into and old friend, acquaintance or colleague in a situation that requires more that a polite smile and nod. You have run out of your one and a half minute of chit-chat.

Solution: A method upon which the entire fields of psychiatry and clinical psychology are based, play dead. Basically its a game of awkward-chicken: The first person to crack has to supply the next subject in conversation. Although this requires some initial stoicism (it takes a little practice), the rewards far out weigh the effort, with your only requirements for the following subject a few 'uh-huhs'. When that subject finishes, do it again. This method also comes in handy when it's your shout or when the check comes.

For the expert: try this method when asked a direct question. If you close your eyes and slump down on the ground you've probably gone too far. If your opponent calls an ambulance, you've definitely gone too far, although you will obviously have mastered the technique and have earned my admiration.


Problem: Procrastination. Finding that you just can't get the simplest tasks done with out an impending deadline hanging above you.


Solution: Unprotected sex with strangers. Not only will you get to experience the instant gratification of one night stands, but you find that your newly acquired STDs will help you find the motivation to achieve those life goals. Time will be precious, to be prolific will be a requirement.


feel free to write in with any problems you might have. i'll do my best to help you out.

Konceited Krap

Plevs, you probably would've walked past this guy even if he had a neon sign. To make things worse you would've been humming this tune at the time...

Klassical Korner

Take a seat in your comfortable recliner, pour yourself a gin and tonic and look down your noses at the masses. Thanks to the helpful suggestions below, you have now discovered CLASSICAL MUSIC. You now have street cred with that hot flautist from the Symphony Orchestra. Or Vangelis. Whoever takes your fancy.

1. Arvo Pärt - Spiegel im Spiegel
2. Tchaikovsky - Russian Dance (from The Nutcracker)
3. Erik Satie - Trois Gymnopedies
4. Schubert - Ave Maria
5. Gyorges Ligeti - Requiem For Soprano, Mezzo Soprano, Two Mixed Choirs and Orchestra
6. Tchaikovsky - Andante, Symphony no. 6 in B Minor, Op. 24- Pathetique
7. Gustav Holst - Mars, The Bringer of War
8. Dvorak - Largo from Symphony no. 9
9. Debussy - Claire de Lune
10. for the hell of it - the very jarring "Threnody for the Victims of Hiroshima" by Krzysztof Penderecki

Book Review #2 aka Cheap laughs from generation gaps

This is just a quick review of a fabulous novel I found recently among the trash and treasure that is my ex-house mate's stuff.

The piece was released semi-recently by that most reputable of publishing firms, Beaver Books, and is the classic title, "Gay Stories For Girls".

Since I found it last week, there's nothing more that I like to do on an evening than to pick up Gay and have a read.

It is a mystery to me exactly why Copenhagen is 'The Gay City', but I'm sure JF Burke knew what he/she was on about. I mean, it says "The Danes (aka The Gays) love to sit at restaurants". Need I spell it out more?

Finally, this heartfelt story about a trio of women finding it difficult to open up about their sexuality really touched me. "Feeling properly caught out, they were backing away when, evidently stirred by a sudden (sexual) impulse, the woman began beckoning them".

The Angry Socialist

Attention fellow revolutionaries,

Every man shall be equal if I have to personally fuck each and every last one of you fuckers. Too old to hang with the emo kids; too much struggle for the conformed masses, I've been left to search the world over for a new start, a new beginning. One caricature exchanged for another. Ah, the relief of the sub-culture.

So, help me. Help me un-fuck the world (I already have the catchy slogan down). Help me stick it to the man, the, apathetic, the latte sipping bourgeois and the capitalist pigs.

Help me. But, be aware, it's not all hard work; we will get to wear our drab earthy greys and browns. Berets are all the rage in our crowd. If you really want to get into it, grow some prematurely fuzzy beatnik facial hair. I know you're gonna fit right in. We're also pretty liberal with personal hygiene. So yeah, you know, bathing is optional and stuff. The working, every-man's time has come. Together we shall overthrow our corrupt and evil over capitalist masters.

But hold on; one step at a time. Mum won't buy me a car for my birthday and Dad belittles my ultra-veganism (someone molested a cow for you to have that milkshake). They'll both totally freak if i get one of those really cool wicker tattoos. Life is so unfair!

- The Angry Socialist



Dear Moron,

You are an idiot. Given, what with technological advances in all areas (the information age: all answers, no questions), the world is smaller now than it ever has been. There is something seriously fucking wrong with someone who wants to adopt the struggle of a people from a different time, place and culture and wear it as their own fashion accessory. 'Avoidance', I think is the name of the technical name, that is of course, if it's not down outright superficial vanity. Take off your Che Guevara T-shirt, I don't care how well it goes with your ripped jeans and how alternative it makes you look. I hate you and you're not my real father.

regards, Cam

The Great Online Dating Experiment, Pt. 2. The sexiest disease.

Okay, we've established that some men aren't too fussy when it comes to the mass slaughter of unfavoured ethnic populations. I've decided to do a new poll. Which disease is sexiest?

1. Having a goiter?

2. Scurvy?

3. Cotard delusion? (The belief that you're dead)

I've decided to sate my knowledge by putting up profiles on adultmatchmaker.com.au - goiter_gal, iluvvitaminc, walkingsexydead. Will update you.

The medical profession will benefit greatly from determining which diseases are diagnosed as being sexy.

A salute to Music's unsung heroes

Yeah, yeah, we've all heard bands saying how they were totally blown away by Velvet Underground and Nico or the Smiths or Kraftwerk or whatever and then they went and formed their contemporary R&B/electronica/alt-country/jazz-funk fusion combo that plays at the Wheatsheaf every second Tuesday night and oh my God isn't the obscure Krautrock movement so fucking awesome.

I'm sick of it. Lou Reed, Morrissey, Flavor Flav etc don't really need any bigger egos from people giving them mad props for their influential music. Today, I'm going to salute the really influential music. The true unsung heroes and masterpieces of the melodic arts.

Recognise any of these songs?

1. GRAN VALS, Francisco Tarrega

2. Orchestral Suite No. 2 in B Minor, BADINERIE, J.S. Bach

3. ENTRY OF THE GLADIATORS, Julian Fučík

4. TAR SEQUENCE, Lalo Schifrin

5. THE MISSION, John Williams

6. STREETS OF CAIRO, Sol Bloom (?).

You do. They are - (1) What the Nokia ringtone is derived from, (2) another song you'd most certainly recognise in ringtone format, (3) The classic "do, do, doodle-doodle, do do doo do" circus clown song, (4) National Nine News' theme song (from the movie Cool Hand Luke which stars Paul Newman, so think of that when you use your substandard pasta sauce to make an Amatriciana), (5) Seven Nightly News' theme song, (6) the music that cartoons play to indicate the presence of a magic carpet, a genie or an Egyptian.

And have you heard of Peter Wall and Tony Ansell? No? Tony Ansell was a jazz musician and a session player on Richard Clapton's song "Girls on the Avenue". He, along with Peter Wall, also wrote the old ABC news theme. (You know, the awesome one, not the current less cool one.)

Soulseek it up or look for the MIDIs online, you'll find at least some of them.

So, I present to you The Ringo Awards: an attempt to find some of the most underappreciated composers of our time, named after the most underappreciated Beatle. I will attempt to track down our nation's most precious musical resources and honours them accordingly.

The winner of the first Ringo Award: Rafael May. He composed the music for that especially erotic Nissan Tiida advertisement with that chick from Sex and the City. I decided to write to him to express my appreciation. I urge you to do the same.