The Great Internet Dating Experiment, Pt. 1 - Responses

Sydney has plenty of horny men who lack both inhibition and scruples, it seems. A number of men (about eleven or so) have responded to my phoney profile so far. To update those who can't be bothered scrolling down the page slightly, I made a profile for a dictator-worshipping Sydneysider that was clearly ridiculous. However, there are a number of men who can't work out the "clear" and "ridiculous".

Responses have included:

"This is by far the most unique profile I have read lol. There was another however she was Ulatra left wing..so I doubt you 2 would get along lol. [Au contraire, Hitler and Stalin had the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact. -Ed.] Interesting to see how broad your interests are..Miltary history to shopping with the girls.." Ok, so at least he's noticed something's amiss. But nevertheless..."Look if your interested in chatting or meeting up"...he then proceeds to give me his name and email.

"love to meet up soon.i love erotica,skinnydipping,also love gviing [sic] massages to [sic]." Who doesn't love erotica? Maybe I should just meet up and see if he does a good man-sage.

"Love the photo. a vegeterian diet is being good to you." Thanks!

Now come the actual morons. E.g., bangem1000. I've footnoted it for analysis. "hi im a hot [1] brazillian/indian brown skinned male how loves sex [2] il do al the karma sutra mooves [3] on u 4 days haha holla back 4 a photo or my number".

1. And modest.
2. Who the fuck can't spell "who"?!?!?!!
3. "Mooves"? Maybe he's a graduate of Bovine University.

Having a look at his profile, he informs any interested ladies that "i like hanging out at my beach house and hot sex that goes on for days". Oh, so the '1000' in 'bangem1000' refers to the number of hours in one of his sexual escapades. Dare I holla back? I'm not sure, 'ilovedicktators' ain't no hollaback girl.

There's the gent with the charming name of cltplzr. Now why is a man who chooses that as his dating name single? It's such an informative name - "wow," the girls he writes to must think, "if I contact him via his MySpace site which he handily informed me exists, he'll please my clitoris. What am I waiting for?"

The last response I'll mention:
"well i not 2 sure if genocide is sexy but sometimes i get a laugh out of it does that count". I agree, 'Schindler's List' was a feel-good comedies. This whole Darfur thing is hilarious! LOL! Dead Africans, ROFL!

PS thanks to all those who liked the first post and to blogmaster Lachy!
PPS On the subject of morons, I heard this on Triple M this evening. Presumably it was a 'guess the connection between the songs' contest.

Announcer: We've had Down Under, Kashmir by Led Zeppelin and Great Southern Land.
Caller: Do all the songs start with 'D'?
Announcer: Kashmir starts with 'K' and Great Southern Land starts with 'G'.

Just remember, this guy, and all the wankers who wrote back to a tyrant-worshipping hornbag, all help to choose your elected leaders. Good Lord.

The Great Online Dating Experiment, Part 1: A Regular Dating Site and a Stupid Profile

Here's the deal. We have a new potential blogsmith. After a recent domination of the raw comedy scene in Adelaide, I present to you, Plevs. He isn't an official UpShake member yet, the comments will decide the issue. So, avid readers, is he a Ricky Gervais or a Chris Farley?
~LeBlogMac

Internet dating – a lot of people are against it, I don’t know why. Perhaps they think you start batting off to Microsoft Excel and then move on to looking for women. At least you don’t need to wear a condom when Internet dating. You just use anti-virus software. I’ve been meeting ladies from the Internet, on and off, for about two years now – with varying levels of success.

When your only competition is an obnoxious paperclip, online dating should be easy.

Saturday 17 December 2006: PASH!

Problem: this is part of the conversation.

Me: I like cheese.

Her: Wogs like cheese.

After a bit more pashing later on, I went home, took a few bites out of my Camembert (I am 1/4 Italian), had a wet dream about some Mozzarella, and have never seen her since.

Thursday 15 February 2007: PASH!

Problem: she’s not really my type. Besides, I think she was just upset that she didn't get any roses the day before (Valentine's Day).

Two pashes out of meeting twenty girls. That’s a 10% success rate. Some online girls are lovely and I still keep in contact with them. Some are doofuses and are best left to other men.

Not everyone is unsuccessful with dating and computers.

Why am I having so little success on these dating sites? Are they been frightened away by men who show them pictures of their penises before bothering to say hello? Well, I’ve decided to find out how stupid these men are. I’ve made a profile, ilovedicktators, on the free Internet dating site (which also does not seem to vet profiles before they are posted – although they do vet photos) www.singleswhoclick.com.au . Incidentally, I did meet one girl from this site, she was okay, although again, not really my type. Friendly, at least.

With the opening line of “Power corrupts. And makes me horny. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. And makes me absolutely horny”, I’m wondering how many men I can attract.

Will people be so stupid as to write to this? For added effect, I’ve also decided to post a photo of Eva Braun, which unfortunately hasn’t been approved on the site yet.

I’ll keep you posted with who writes to me.

~Plevs

Exerpts from Freakonomics

I picked up a good read the other day and seeing as there hasn't been much activity this month I thought I'd share some of it with the shake.

'Freakonomics' is written by a NY Times Magazine journalist and an Economist and essentially looks at examples of 'cool' microeconomic case studies. So they take a topic like, 'Why do drug dealers still live with their moms', and use data and eco principles to explain it.

A common amusement to me is the naming of children. 'Parents' who pick a name they like but then give it some supposed pizzazz (by choice or accident) with a bit of misspelling. Think Konna, Destinee, Ashly, Britany and so on. These guys got data allowing them to link a child's name with their mother's years of education. Here's a list of the top 8 'Jasmines' in ascending order of Maternal Education. (Data taken from every child born in California after 1961)

1. Jazmine (11.94 years)
2. Jazmyne (12.08)
3. Jazzmin (12.14)
4. Jazzmine (12.16)
5. Jasmyne (12.18)
6. Jasmina (12.50)
7. Jazmyn (12.77)
8. Jasmine (12.88)

I know it is an obvious and expected conclusion, but it is just good to see it as clearly as that with actual evidence.

If you were curious about the drug dealer case- They were able to get the financial books of a gang and analyse the breakdown of payments throughout the system. The reason that they still live at home is purely financial. Despite risking their lives, (25% of the actual dealers on the street will die due to 'work') standard henchmen (who make up the majority of the group) will earn just $3.30 an hour. If they make it to be the player in their local area then they can make around $100,000 a year (that's tax-free of course...) but such players are hesitant to divide this among the henchmen. As the leader of the gang in question J.T. said so eloquently, "You got all these niggers below you who want your job, you dig? So you know, you try to take care of them, but you know, you also have to show them you the boss. You gotta get yours first, or else you ain't no leader. If you start taking losses, they see you as weak and shit."

So what's the moral to this disjointed book suggestion? Ummm, don't get into drug dealing, get an education. You'll only end up with two girls named Jazmyne and Jazmine, and a massive debt.

If you want to read more, here's a version of the book in PDF form.

New Culture in Prospect

So I just moved from Southern Adelaide to Northern Adelaide. For those not in the know, the further North you go, the more industrial things tend to get. The term 'bogan' also gains relevance in direct proportion to the distance North from the city. In the few weeks I've been on the other side of the tracks I have noticed many cultural differences. Some are similar to Cam's experiences in the hospitality study entries he wrote a while back. Speaking of which, saw a lovely shop today called 'Maternity Girl'. Cam, what do you think of that one? The one stop shop for any fat pregnant teen? I thought so.

Anyway, another difference comes in the post once a week. I used to get the 'Eastern Courier' Messenger Newspaper. It had stories about the councillors of Unley deciding not to drink red wine during meetings in order to keep a clear head while making big decisions. Now I get the 'Standard' Messenger. A dull name for a dull paper. Its leading story this week was about cracking down on hoon drivers in Prospect.


It also has a section each week titled 'Key Questions'. I've spliced the more amusing ones from 2 weeks together.

They apparently asked some people 13 different (and useless) questions but then only print the same questions' answers (just 3). I don't know why they bother asking "Would you horse ride or bungee jump and why?" if they aren't going to publish it. I'll just put it down to Rupert Murdoch storing it for evil purposes like every other lefty pinko would.

Highlights:

• Renae Maher wins biggest bogan. Her fave food and drink is listed as "Everything". She drives a "V8 VS" (apparently she didn't just want to say 'Commodore'). Finally, she thinks her best friend would compliment her on "My Breasts".
• Dustin Guthberg's favourite drink to down with his Reef and Beef is "Anything over 4.5%".
• Paul Chivelle thinks his best friend would compliment him on the fact that he "Laughs at his own jokes".
• Finally, just look at Courtney Purnell. Doesn't he have a smile that could light up a room? OK, perhaps a toilet.

Michael Jackson - Guilty After All?

Michael Jackson, everyone's favourite pop idol, was famously acquitted of child molestation charges back in 2005. There just wasn't enough evidence to convict the pop singer, and I think most of us breathed a collective sigh of relief at the verdict - our childhood hero wasn't a monster after all. But I recently stumbled upon some new evidence that I think prosecutors in the trial may have missed, and which might actually shed new light on Jackson's more questionable behaviour with minors.

This particular piece of evidence goes way back to the early 1990s, when Jackson was still considered a musical prodigy, as opposed to an embarrassment of all humankind, and i should warn all upshake.com readers before continuing: it can be quite shocking viewing. So please proceed at your own discretion.

The evidence in question is an old videogame titled "Moonwalker", which was released both in the arcade, and later, on various Sega console systems. The plot, as far as I can divulge, is as simple as it is malevolent. You play as none other than Michael Jackson, and your aim is to kidnap crying children for use in your own diabolical ends. Allow me to demonstrate.

This is level 1 of the game. Here we have a crying child, and Jackson approaching in what appears to be an offer of friendship.

However, his friendly facade soon fades away, and Jackson's true intentions are momentarily revealed.

All this commotion startles the child, and she is awoken from her tantrum. But, upon realising the man next to her is Michael Jackson, she becomes completely overjoyed (remember, this is the early 90s, before children have become petrified of Jackson's white-man features and eerily confronting nostrils). The game's audio presents the girl's voice as crooning, "oh Michael...".

The girl then follows Jackson's instructions, and hops onto a blue, magical spaceship of some kind (which, depending on your point of view, resembles either a 1920's car horn, a tadpole, or, well, have a closer look). She is then whisked off to alleged "safety", and Jackson continues his hunt for more children.

But is this child really safe? Are the hundreds of other identical children in the game, known as "Katies", actually taken away to a place where they are free from harm? Unfortunately, we are never informed. But, perhaps tellingly, each level ends with Michael Jackson's own game audio declaring "I'm Bad!", and then we are presented with the following stark image:

Is this a face of innocence? I'll let you be the judge.

Exactly what is wrong with the world.

ok this is ridiculous. I know that the internet is all about community based sites now, what with the giant amounts of popularity that youtube and myspace have. I have only recently become aware of digg lately and that is a good way of finding out what is happening around the world, it's also a pretty good way to find anything that has ever been said about the Nintendo Wii or Stephen Colbert. So I can see the use of all these community based sites. But when things like catster are created it just doesn't make sense to me. Sure I don't like cats very much, or any pet for that matter, but still I think that a community site that has over 100,000 cats as members is a ridiculous thing, some people just need to go outside.

By the way this in text linking thing is great fun.

Missionary Impossible?

There's been a few reports of Tom Cruise lately and his 'other' business in spreading the word of Scientology. Apparently scientology leader David Miscavige believes that in the future, Cruise will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.

“Like Christ, he’s been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right.”

Now I don't want to jump the gun here. I mean, if I get this wrong, it could look quite embarrassing for me in a few hundred years if Thomas Cruise Mapother IV realises this supposed destiny. I think there is only one point required here for me to come to a decision. Had Jesus Christ been the star of War Of The Worlds, would the result have been such a boring, clichéd action flick?

So anyway, if he is the messiah, I owe Niczilla a coke.

"One fo shiz way to annoy Y&Zs - bust a cap in the language they see as sick-core."

McCrindle Research has just completed research into the slang of Generation Y & Z.

"If you manage Gen Ys or market to them, and you don't know your bananas from your bling; munters from scrubs, then maybe you should just call the wambulance."

Does anyone reading this know their munters from their scrubs? I don't... better call the wambulance.

Go to their website and download 'Word Up', their guide to communications with those crazy Z and Y generations.

Some just sound like the 'jiggas' they 'waz' talking to were just 'buggin' to get a laugh with their 'Gs':

sherbet
adj. A descriptor of something excellent or pleasing. I mean why say "that's good" when you can demonstrate how cool you are by saying "that's sherbet".

phatty
adv. (pronounced "fatty") Incredibly good. Usually in admiration of a feat or trick. "That 360 was phatty!"

It also provides good advice on how to and how not to use the new vocabulary:

sick
adj. Used to describe an extremely good trick in an extreme sport "That was a sick ollie braw!" (could also say "that was some ill ollie" but don't say it was an "unwell ollie")

the lick
adj. The best. "Man those shoes are the lick!." See 'the bomb'.


I can't wait until advertisers are using this information for their evil purposes. "New from McDonalds, the phatty burger. It's totally sherbet, G."

Introducing Sam!

Hey there.
So I have been a contributor to this fine blog for a while and have so far contributed nothing but harsh comments to the other people (except for Cam, that guy's great!). Anyway I have been wondering what I should unleash upon the readers as my first post. Like many other things in life I wanted my first time to be special, to choose the right moment and to not rush it. But like many other things in life it will probably end up a huge disappointment, for me and all other parties involved. Without further ado I present the best ad ever!

The Coolest Guy Nominee 4: 'Barnzey'

A guy posted to this picture to the 'Shoutbox' on the front of a BitTorrent site I use to share legal podcasts and the like (You have to read it backwards).

Essentially he is nominated for The Coolest Guy for this reason: he got something in the post and thought to himself, "OMG LCD just arrived, better go tell all my best friends... on my local torrent site."

15th Jan, 12:10pm	Barnzey: bought 360 at launch
15th Jan, 12:01pm	Barnzey: $650
15th Jan, 11:49am	191200: how much did that set you back?
15th Jan, 11:46am	XBoNeSX: ah for ya xbox 360 ?
15th Jan, 11:45am	Barnzey: $1600
15th Jan, 11:42am	XBoNeSX: wot that set ya back ?
15th Jan, 11:30am	Barnzey: 32"
15th Jan, 11:30am	Barnzey: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v72/Barnzey /IMG_0224.jpg
15th Jan, 11:26am	XBoNeSX: wot size ?
15th Jan, 11:23am	Barnzey: new lcd has arrived!

Little did he realise that the image he uploaded would give him a bigger chance to win the award (not just because they are in the photo, but because he didn't think to take them away before uploading it):

• Truck wallpaper...?
• Empty bottles of soft drink on the floor
• Shoes thrown in the corner next to a dodgy fan
• 100% of the available nextgen consoles

The plot thickened later when this was posted-

Insert New News Here (By Beaker666)
If you're Female and Single or Know A Single Female, Please contact Barnzey, He's Lonely and looking for a Friend.

Its only Human Nature to help others :)

How could one of the Coolest Guy nominees be struggling with the ladies. I'm shocked.

'The Coolest Guy' is a quest to trawl the web for the coolest people in the world. Many people would think Hollywood is a good location to start looking, or our sports stars, which is fair enough. Here at UpShake.com , we believe that it is the unsung heroes who deserve recognition. People who believe they are cool, announce it to the world, but don't get the recognition they expect. Get nominees ONE and TWO.

Getting away from it all

I recently went on a holiday down Yorke Peninsula way with some other recent Engineering graduates. A good time was had by all, OK a good time was had by most. Unfortunately some members of the party didn't enjoy some of us delivering a brilliant serenade of 'Free David Hicks' to their window at 3am. It wasn't our fault that they took away my iPod after the 10th play in a row. I'm just very passionate about this issue- not the freeing of Hicks, but the promotion of the catchy tune that Peter Combe has delivered. The people in question still weren't committing themselves to the rhythm, and we vowed to continue until this happened. I'll let you know when it does. In the meantime I suggest that the best part for serenading (provides less words to be remembered) is to go: bridge, final verse, chorus, bridge,final verse, chorus, repeat, repeat, repeat. Then change windows to another person and repeat the process.

When packing to leave my house for the rendezvous point, a friend of mine and I quickly debated whether or not to take his laptop. We eventually decided to chuck it in the boot along with other more traditional holiday items (e.g. frisbee, cricket bat, duct tape). Upon arriving at the location with others still finishing up their own packing we realised that we were very under-prepared. Already packed in their cars for this 1 week trip were the following: Desktop PC, external hard drive, 68cm TV, AV receiver, Two 1m floor-standing speakers, another laptop, and I'm sure I've forgotten something. Oh yes, then one of our party 'almost forgot' to take along a WiFi antenna so that he could try and find an unencrypted wireless access point to 'borrow' some bandwidth while we were 'getting away from it all'.

My question is this. With all the hubbub in the press over the new Apple iPhone, some asked the question, "Will people use all the features?". The answer that I think my recent trip shows is that that will have no bearing on the sales of the device. The new generation always want more gadgets, so whether or not they use them is irrelevant. The more the better. Once a device can incorporate all the things we took on our trip away I'm sure we'll want more anyway. And this demand is only going to continue. Younger kids are going to grow up having never lived in a house without DSL.

I say this is awesome. On our trip I didn't get the chance to talk to anyone because I was busy watching Clone High and The Office. With only so many hours in a day, who wants to spend them walking on the beach when you can be laughing together in air conditioned comfort?

Free David Hicks for The Hottest 100

I have just voted in this year's Triple J Hottest 100. I suggest you do the same.

If you vote correctly and successfully you will receive this email:

"The songs you indicated you would like to vote for in this year's Hottest 100 are:
Peter Combe - Free David Hicks "

Haven't heard the song? Go here.

Why would you vote for any other song? If we get enough votes it'll at least make it to the novelty section they normally have at some stage in the count.

Peter Combe's new song 'Free David Hicks'

Download the latest song from Peter Combe and you won't regret it.

The renowned South Australian children's crooner (He's the Michael Buble for kids if you didn't know) has turned away from relatively apolitical songs, such as 'Juicy Juicy Green-grass', and towards the area that will shake the world as we know it with 'Free David Hicks'.

What happened to the rule of law
The democracy we had before
Are we really thick as bricks
Free David Hicks!

A written response from Prime Minister John Howard was received by Upshake.com today, it reads: "I was moved by the new Peter Combe song and its catchy tune. I love it every day spaghetti bolognaise."

'Tis the Season to be Male

The other day I was strolling past my local Christadelphian Church, and I noticed quite a bizarre sign on their message board:


At first it didn’t make much sense to me. A Christmas without women? Why would a Church be promoting such a crazy idea? Sure, it would probably reduce the Christmas present expenses of men by a good 50%, but… to deny the female section of our population the enjoyment of Christmas? It just seems a bit uncaring and uncompassionate. And that’s against the spirit of Christmas.

Still, I was intrigued by the idea. So I decided to follow it up with a bit of Internet research. And what I discovered was even more bizarre. It turns out that my local Christadelphian Church isn’t necessarily against a female-inclusive Christmas day, as the sign would suggest. No, I’m afraid, my local Christadelphian Church is against Christmas as a whole.

This is because Christmas is never actually mentioned in the Bible. In fact, the Bible seems to specifically rule-out any form of Christ worship. To quote Mathew 15:9, “But in vain they do worship Me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men”. According to the Christadelphians, Christmas was instead originally derived from a Roman harvest festival. This celebration only morphed into what we now know as ‘Christmas’ after the pagan harvesters converted to Christianity, and still wanted a reason to party in late December. So, instead of celebrating the moon and the sun like they used to, they decided to celebrate Christ’s birth.

The Christadelphians have a problem with this, because this harvest festival, as Wikipedia describes, used to be “a time of general relaxation, feasting, merry-making, drinking, gambling, and singing, and even public nudity”. In other words, Christmas was originally a pagan ritual, and therefore, it is actually against Christ’s teachings.

So, then, why label Christmas in such a cryptic message as “a tradition of men”? It’s because, supposedly, Christmas is not a tradition of God, or Christ. Instead, it is a tradition of those decrepit, sordid, despicable types that we all loath: men. Which means Christmas is no different to celebrating one’s own birthday. Or the Clipsal 500 race. Or going out to a strip club on Saturday night in honour of your winnings at the greyhound races. Like all the above, it’s a pagan thing.

So you should all watch out. Celebrating Christmas could result in your banishment to the gates of hell. As one website advises in an article, “Resisting the Christmas Spirit”:

God expects you - as a pioneer of His soon-coming perfect society - to stand against the current. But, as December 25th approaches, you must prepare now, and be ready to stand your ground without compromise - to properly go against the Christmas-keeping crowd, and to be a witness of God's truth to your peers.

Here’s another example, from “The True Origin of Christmas”:

The most common justification that one will hear regarding Christmas is that people have replaced old pagan customs and intents by asserting that they are now “focusing on Christ.” I have heard many say that they are “honoring Christ” in their Christmas-keeping. The problem is that God does not say this is acceptable to Him! Actually, He plainly commands against it! Keeping Christmas dishonors Christ! He considers everything about it to be an abomination!

I just thought all readers should be aware of these developments so that they can make informed decisions about avoiding hell in future. I know that some sections of Christianity, such as the Catholic Church or the Anglican Church, do recognise and celebrate Christmas… but really, who is to say that just because they represent 95% of believers, their views are necessarily correct? Maybe they are secretly sending you all down the festive, merry road to DEATH BY DAMNATION.

So be warned. The Christadelphians say no to Christmas. And maybe next year, you should too.

For more information, consult the Christadelphian Hall, Goodwood Road, Adelaide, Australia. Merry pagan harvest to you all!

PS - Seeing as Christmas is now a “tradition of men”, could someone please inform the following Murray Bridge chapel about this:


There’s no man in ‘minge’. What an embarrassment.

Personal Blog Entry #1

I finished a roll of floss today. That's 25 metres of flossy goodness, all gone. I am pretty sure I have never felt the sadness of the click at the end of the packet when it has no more white gold left to give. Packets have always run free (to frolic in the wilderness with odd socks and semi-used pens) from my bathroom drawer at some stage before all dignity was gone. How sad for my old Colgate friend. Clearly, the dark lord of fluoride (my dentist) succeeded to break my will with mind-altering drugs and forced me to destroy such an innocent victim. R.I.P. Flossy.

How's that for a personal blog Cam? Is that what you were looking for?

End PBE#1, begin real blog entry. This is mainly a maintenance entry. There has been some changes around the place, hopefully for the better. We now have 4 blogging supremos- Me, Cam, Niczilla and Sam. Some may already be aware of Sam via his aggressive comments on some topics. For better or for worse he is now the resident illustrator of UpShake.com. However, he's been pretty slack so far in meeting my requests, so we'll see how long he lasts.

The other thing that has changed recently is my Digg links. If you don't know about Digg, probably best to Wikipedia it up here. If you think that was a stupid question, I was talking to a guy last night who hadn't heard of YouTube. The amusing part of the conversation was that once I explained what it was he said, "Oh OK, I've been to xtube.com, now I realise where the name comes from". So much for Time Magazine's Person of the Year selection. Anyway, I use it (Digg, not xtube) to archive the 'interesting' Internet stuff I look at. It also keeps the blog ticking over when no one is posting.

Traditional Japanese Mushroom Games

I was cleaning up around the place recently and I found many long-lost treasures. The best of these was the packaging for the 'Mattake Geemu' I bought for Cam last time I was in Japan. Mattake actually is short for Matsutake (Japanese mushrooms), so don't go about thinking it is anything else. I'm sure it is just a traditional game played in Japan for centuries (the invention of plastics allowed for a cleanable, reusable version, and that's when the game really took off). I'm not quite sure of the facial expressions of the characters in the pictures- in particular the guy on the right. His look says a lot more than, "Oh I seem to have misplaced my mushroom, have you seen it?".

I'm not sure what happened to my favourite inflatable phallic mushroom- Cam, have you still got it? I guess there's only so many times you can play the games demonstrated on the pack before it gets either burst or stolen when you are making off with ladies from the playboy mansion.

For those of you in Oz with Foxtel, I noticed there is a marathon on December 30 of the quality game show Takeshi's Castle (or MXC). I recommend taping it and playing it the next night. I can think of no better accompaniment to New Year's celebrations than good, clean, pain. Interesting point of note: Beat Takeshi of Takeshi's Castle fame moved on post-TC to become an acclaimed director and actor. There's no doubt his experience with people hurting themselves came to assist him when directing samurai flick Zatoichi.

Thou shalt not eat prawns

Did you know that, according to the Bible, it's a sin to eat shellfish? It's true - consider the wise words of Leviticus:

Leviticus 11:12: Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.

Even Deuteronomy agrees:

Deuteronomy 14:10: And whatsoever hath not fins and scales ye may not eat; it is unclean unto you.

So with Christmas coming up, i thought all readers should keep that in mind. No prawns, mussels, squids, eels, seals, or plankton may be eaten. To avoid hell, just stick with the lamb.

For more information on crazy Evangelical nutritional trends, look here.

Picture credits go to Lachy.

Ship 'em to Sweden

Ok, I’ll apologise in advance this time. I’m afraid I’m about to post yet another anti-Liberal rant. But, really, if I don’t spit out my vile hatred for conservative politicians periodically on this blog, then, in all honesty, there could be worse consequences for society. I mean, it’s quite possible that if my anger and tension built up long enough, you could witness the explosion of a later-day Incredible Hulk – complete with even more tight and revealing purple pants that you may be used to (yes, much tighter than those pictured). And be warned: this Incredible Hulk wouldn’t be embarrassingly girly like Eric Bana in that silly movie, The Incredible Hulk. No, he’d be downright mean and nasty like Eric Bana in that awesome movie, Chopper. So be scared. Be very scared.

Anyway…what’s got my Labor-voting blood boiling this time round, you may be interested to know? Well, it seems like the Immigration Department has deemed it necessary to deport a Swedish-born man back to Sweden.

“What’s the problem?”, I hear some readers quip, “Sweden’s nice. They have a lot of fish there. And hot springs. In fact, come to think of it, I’d like to go to Sweden. So this lucky chap gets a free trip to Sweden – what’s the big deal? Why does this centre-left arsehole always complain so much? I’m going to go listen to Alan Jones instead”. Well, you ill-informed and slightly degenerate bunch ‘mortgage belt’ wankers, the problem is that this particular gentlemen is 33-years-old, and has lived in Australia his entire life except for his first 4 weeks. He just happened to be unlucky enough to be born in Sweden while his mother returned there on holiday.

He can’t speak Swedish, barely knows his Swedish relatives, yet he is currently in a detention centre somewhere in Australia, awaiting deportation to his alleged ‘homeland’. The legal argument behind the deportation is that this man has spent much of his life in jail – he is a convicted criminal, and, under the government’s recent immigration reforms, any non-Australian citizen who has spent more than one year in prison is liable to be sent back to their own country.

But this is absolutely absurd. It isn’t Sweden’s fault this guy is violent and dangerous. Unless you start arguing that criminality comes from genetics, or even worse, from nationality…. then the responsibility for this bloke clearly rests upon Australia’s shoulders. He’s lived here for over 1721.856 weeks. He’s lived in Sweden for 4 weeks. How could this possibly be Sweden’s fault? Indeed, many far-left philosophers would even claim that the poor guy didn’t exhibit human consciousness for his entire time spent in Sweden. All he did there was eat, sleep, and poo bright yellow liquid for a few weeks. He didn’t even get the chance to sing his first Abba tune.

But our ever-caring and motherly Immigration Minister, Amanda Vanstone, remains unflinching in her desire to get this guy out of the country. She just said it was her job to remove such an “unlawful non-citizen" from the country.

A number of court challenges have failed, too. It seems the arguments of ‘farcical’ and ‘bloody stupid’ doesn’t work too well in Australian courtrooms. However, the judges of the federal court still saw it necessary to demonstrate how profoundly unimpressed they were with the laws. As The Age reports:

Justices Michael Moore and Roger Gyles described the use of character grounds to cancel Mr Nystrom's visa as "disturbing" and suggested the Immigration Minister review the law. They said while Mr Nystrom had behaved badly, he was no worse than many other Australians. "The difference is the barest of technicalities. It is the chance result of an accident of birth," their judgement said. "Apart from the dire punishment of the individual involved, it presumes that Australia can export its problems elsewhere."

This is just craziness. It’s kindergarten politics. It’s almost as bad as the views of this guy. I'm starting to get the impression that our xenophobic tendencies in Australia are reaching new extremes. (Indeed, i heard recently that Pauline Hanson will be returning to politics soon...)

Bah I’m getting angry, and my fingers are beginning to turn bright green with rage, so I’m going to head off before I go topple San Francisco or something.

Acoustic Juice and Other Problems with the Music Industry

Having finished my demanding bar and waiting (note: thought I'd include a link as a homage to LeBlogMac) course, I applied and instantly scored a job at the Adelaide Convention Centre. There seems to be some deal between the two organisations. I assume the bar and waiting fee of 750 odd dollars is a clear enough indication that you have no concept of the value of the Australian dollar and therefore are a valuable slave, gimp and employee (all these elements are required for the job). In all honesty the job pays reasonably well, but the shifts cut seriously into my drinking times, which is something that just won't do long term. Not to worry too much, my outstanding and obvious inadequacy will soon ensure that I have plenty of free time on my hands once one of the 'black coats' realises this.

Black coats. That reminds me. There's a bizarre segregation vibe that the place gives off too, with each type of employee wearing their specific uniform. Depressingly, it reminds me of 'A brave new world'. If memory serves, I think the name of my position is 'epsilon', which is a stupid, chimp-like, grunt work type. That's me; an epsilon. (If I was LeBlogMac I'd include an irrelevant link here. If I was Niczilla, something about my lefty righteousness, my liberal guilt, third world debt or getting f-ed in the A in guantanamo. But i'm not either. It's just gonna be a different sort of post.) ~LeBlogMac edit: irrelevant link~

anyway I digress......

Tonight we had one of Adelaide's largest functions (so they said) 'Santa's Workshop' (They made me wear a Santa cap. I still feel dirty). The annoying din of a female B-grade radio host wailed through the first hour or so of the function after which followed a couple of bands, the second of which was Acoustic Juice. Introduced as 'one of Australia's best corporate bands and Adelaide's very own: Acoustic Juice'. I winced in pain as I passed by my tables when they made this announcement. Middle aged, long balding hair, playing the very best hits of six months ago to two years ago, they were just about every fucking cliché of an aging rock band conceivable. Not that the crowd seemed to mind (it was open bar after all) with a hundred or so on shaking their stuff (badly) on the dance floor and posing for the cameras. I thought I was stuck in the radio with the dial stuck on SAFM. Bad cover after bad cover. Initially cheap and disposable pop tracks were only further bastardised by the band one three minute piece of shit after the next.

Ah, that's about all I can be bothered with. I have to go through all this again tomorrow. There's your damn post, Leblogmac. Fuck, I hate public opinion. You all make me sick.

8008135 - We're going Old School

So there were several comments after the last post complaining about the lack of toilet humour recently on UpShake. Therefore here is a delightful post containing more than enough smut to make your whole week. Don't read on if you are easily offended.

First, there was turtle rape. Then there was the teenage mutant ninja turtle rape remix. And how could you forget turtle rape 'full and uncut'. Now, see dog rape gone bad.

Here's what to do if you get a bee up your skirt.

Want some home surgery tips?

And finally, the craziest, most abusive old man in the world.

I hope that has temporarily quenched your thirst for some disgusting crap you didn't really want to see, but you broke it you bought it. Not quite quenched? This'll do it.

Also, I've moved up the DUGG section so it is more conveniently accessible. It usually gets new additions each day.