Wine & Wine Service 1.02

Character Study

David

Today David arrives 45 minutes late wearing his customary two caps, denim baggy jeans, headphones on, listening to Sepultura. At ten in the morning (both David and Rianna consistently do this; a nice relaxing start to the morning. They'll then go about seeing who can experience the worse hearing loss in any given amount of time)

"Sorry I'm late, everyone.", David apologizes in a barely audible chuckle. "'n' I have to leave early this afternoon 'cause I have a court case."

I'm guessing he's probably not the plaintiff. With all his extra-curricular activities, I'm thinking that perhaps that the 'part-time' study option may have been a better option for David. I'm sure if he can avoid doing any hard time his parole officer will probably keep him on the straight and narrow long enough for him to pass. Eventually.

Lunch time sees David go off to the pub to down a few pints and comes back in a jolly mood with a new enthusiasm for study. He hasn't come back saying "Serioushly, I love youse" yet, but let's give him another week or so.

Later David explains to us the difference between a regular run of the mill bogan and an Elizabethan gang bogan. It seems, according to David, the latter roam in gangs and are more prone to violence. I'll take his word for it.

Bryan

On first impression Bryan can seem awkwardly benevolent, but this seems to be part of the trap. His dopey demeanor and paunched belly are the insect attracting red pigmentation of his Venus Flytrap ways. As I mentioned earlier, he doesn't believe smoking causes lung cancer. Having now spent a couple days with him I think he is also quite possibly a holocaust and AIDS denier (like the Foo Fighters).

I suspect Bryan went to a private school and is clinging to this faint scrap of refinement with both hands. Yesterday we were asked to bring some snacks that will complement the wines that we were to taste today. Seemingly unaware of his common ways, Bryan brought a plate of salmon and caper bite size pieces. It did make a nice change from the seven packets of doritos.

But by far Bryan's most annoying quality is his inability to go a full sentence without mentioning how he has a connection to whatever the subject may be. He knows this doctor; his parents rent out a house in this suburb; he knows this family ect... Just why he's doing a bar and wait course in his mid twenties, and failing, if he's so fucking connected is pretty unclear. Fairly unlikable.

Other people of note...........

Hannah

Despite Hannah's S-bend spine, rodent like mouth and general meerkat like appearance, in a certain light and in a certain angle she can be reasonably attractive. Her stick thin arms make opening a bottle of wine a fairly humorous experience. Is constantly leaning forward and exposing her g-string from the top of her low-cut jeans.

Anne

Too awkward to ask why she has a scar on her forehead and her arm in a sling, I had wondered what had happened. Someone not as repressed as myself asked her, she'd been in a car crash six months ago. Bryan offered to hook her up with the best plastic surgeon in town. I think there was some arrangement to get two cents off a litre of petrol if she presents her surgery docket.

Kate

Kate is either a closeted lesbian or just from the country. I haven't yet figured out which.

Rianna

Rianna is an enigma. Coming in at about four and a half foot, is probably the most employable of the entire group, myself included. Will turn up in bizarre outfits; today she was wearing a Meatloaf t-shirt. Will be deaf in 24 months as she listens to heavy metal unbearably loud.

For those with growing misanthropic tendencies like myself, her constant cheery demeanor can grate. For the well balanced, she's probably still only just bearable.

Arlo

Arlo is the teacher*. Arlo a couple days ago stated 'believe it or not, I've never actually paid for a tie!'. Having seen several of his ties, all of various novelty stylings, I believe him.

Jasmine

We haven't seen jasmine since our second day of 'study'. Ready to burst a couple days ago, we've assumed that she has given birth to her third child and has quite possibly conceived a fourth.

Uses terms like 'partner' or 'ex-partner' suspiciously in the same manner that a lesbian or gay man might if they were trying to keep their sexuality on the low-down. I guess it probably does sound a bit better than 'the father of my second and fourth children'.

Dianna

Dianna is a largish middle-aged woman, who i suspect is doing this course as it is (sometimes) vaguely more stimulating than Oprah. She goes out of her way to introduce herself and remember other's names, then (instantly) forgets them.

Earlier this morning Dianna was engaging in a very disturbing conversation with David involving innuendo and euphemism about how an older wine with a bolder fuller body was better than a young one. Most likely unaware of these concepts, I think the pair may have just let their subconscious run wild. Doing my best to forget this ever happened, but my mind wont wash clean.

*I use terms like teachers, study, exam, class and student loosely. 'Student' does seem marginally more appropriate than 'partial attendee' or 'guy that rocked up briefly between morning tea and lunch on Tuesday'.

Got Pink?

Perhaps the most pornographic flamingo ever constructed. If you want one, consult Cam or head to "Ned's" in Victor Harbor. Or perhaps soon McDonald's will be giving one away with every happy meal...

Wine & Wine Service 1.01

I walk in from the elevator past the reception to a class room like any, only there is a mock bar up against the whole left side of the room. "Where was this class in high school?", I think to myself. A middle aged woman is sitting at the middle of one of the tables.

"Hi, how are you? I'm Dianna."

She extends her hand for a handshake. Before i realise that my hand is still wet and soapy from washing my hands in the toilet, I've embraced her hand in mine in a horribly moist and lubricated handshake. Dianna screws up her face in disgust.

"This is wine and wine service, right?", I say trying to move on from the violation.

"Yeah. This your first week?", she says as a young unshaven man and girl a foot short of any normal height, yet a good foot short of dwarfism come in. "This is David and Rianna."

Rianna is wearing a denim mini-skirt, 'fuck-me' boots and a purple thermal shirt; an interesting mix. I smile politely and say hi.
David is wearing two caps, baggy jeans and hoodie. He extends his hand to me - straight away i know this is going to be trouble. Foolishly i try to shake his hand in the conventional way. David having none of this, molests my hand in a fashion that he and his fellow hilltop hoods fan club members do to each other around tea and biscuits.
Two horrible handshakes in two minutes. I'm pretty consistently an awkward handshaker, but i think this could be a record even for me.
A few others lurk in through the door and sit down. They put their faces down on the desk and do their best to get back to sleep. 25 minutes after the scheduled start a guy in a white shirt and Simpsons' 'Duff' tie walks in.

"Hi, My name is Arlo. Welcome to wine and wine service. Over the week we'll be learning all about wine and the correct way to serve it. We'll learn about all the different sorts of wines; varietal wines, general wines; fortified wines, aperitif wines, dessert wines................."

"Hey, what sort of wine is passion-pop? i got fully smashed on that on the weekend. They kicked me out of where ever it was i was at - I don't remember where."

"We'll be learning the different characteristics of the wines; the palate, the aroma, visual characteristics. We will learn wine terminology and how to intelligently discuss and describe a wine's distinctive tastes. Come Wednesday we will even get to have a bit of a wine tasting........."

"Last time i did this course i was pregnant and i didn't get to try the wines - well, I wasn't meant to", giggles Jasmine, a 20 year old ready to burst again. "And I'm pregnant again, she'll be my third, so I guess I can only have a couple of glasses again. I know she's going to be a 'she', because i read it in my horoscope."

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During morning tea talk turns to piercings.

"Hey Jasmine, when does the stud in my lip stop hurting?", asks Hannah - imagine an Uma Thurman having spent six months on crystal meth.

"I don't really know. I have a pretty high pain threshold. I didn't feel anything with any of my piercings. When I got my tattoos done i had to ask when the body artist had finished", she doesn't mention child birth, but i have a sneaking suspicion that she gets an epidural and whatever other medication she can get. "But I had to take most of my piercings out 'cause my daughter keeps playing with them."

"Most", I wonder. Perhaps she had a nipple chain. Probably got in the way when lining the kids up for their breast feedings.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Arlo comes up to me and another chap, Bryan. Bryan doesn't believe smoking causes cancer, but he does believe that if you roll your own it will make a mess of your fingers. He learnt this the hard way- a yellow-brown growth on his index and middle fingers on his right hand. Rolling your own smokes appears to be a sign of your dedication to smoking, the (un-)cancerous growths on your body a badge of your dedication; not like those two pack a day pre-packed smokes posers.

"This is the first week for you two, right? Let me show you around."

Arlo takes us through a few rooms with nothing more than desks and chairs and then the 'student room', which has a vending machine and yesterday's paper. Then Arlo takes us to the 'tourism section'. The room is a hive of activity compared to the rest of the place.

"...and here we have the tourism section..."

"What is this, a sweatshop?" says Bryan, referring to how a large section of the class is Asian.

"Huh, sweatshop?", Arlo pretends he doesn't understand this racial slur. i cringe and try to move on as soon as i can.

Afternoon tea and conversation turns to different restaurants we've all been to.

"Oh yeah, I've been there", says Bryan. "Doesn't it have that fucking fag working there with the blond hair? It's shit."

Evidently Bryan hates the queers as well as the Asians.
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End Day 1
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The Age of Man

A. Early Primates
Despite some basic signs of culture, these simple beasts roamed the earth grunting, beating their chests, eating the flesh of their young and picking the parasites from one another.

B. Early Man
Man had started to show signs of advanced communication and various forms of primitive art.

C. Man's Golden Age
Men shared advanced thought and ideas in philosophy, literature, biology and all that other jazz. And if they didn't do any of that other stuff at least they had the decency to dress themselves properly in public.

D. The Decline - (** - track pants)
Man's glory days of the 'no shirt no service' days were over. Man's ability to adequately dress himself had waned to the point where it was quite common for men to walk the streets, quite proudly no less, in track pants. Man had concluded there was nothing to be gained from any sort of decent social interaction and had thus forgone the usual social nicety of dressing to a basic standard. Man's capitulation. Social decay. THE DECLINE.

E. Late Man
See A.

Why ruin this post with words?

sorry i missed your thing, dave. happy birthday. - cam

Ugliest MySpace page competition

You may recall how great myspace is. This guy, Ze Frank, took the attack to a new level earlier this year with the "I knows me some ugly myspace showdown!"
Check his vlog on the subject.

I think the winner was quite worthy. If there is no sound where you live, you are missing out on many an oldschool MIDI tune.

Good News

The doyen of MS Paint (much better than this guy) is now a part of UpShake. He offers a new, generally smuttier, perspective on life in general and should complement things nicely. In unrelated news, staff increased by 100% last week, and existing employees are rumoured to be taking a paycut.

Look forward to an exciting new article whenever he gets around to it. There's paperwork to be filled out, sheesh, give him a break.

Welcome, Elegant D Generate.

So what does a retired 'Grand Champion' do?

I hear you ask this important question...

well, many options:

(1) Become a pro wrestler:

I found it tough to choose which movie here, this one is equally as good.

(2) Become the fattest rapper in the world

Sporting News

Tell me this: Which sport lasts for 15 days yet the winning competitor's entire effort can be watched in a mere 10 minutes? Which sport has traditions greater than those of Wimbledon, yet generates more interesting characters than in Celebrity Poker? Which sport has more nudity (and larger breasts) than WWE, but is an official competition? Finally, for which sport will the obesity epidemic actually improve standards to new levels in the coming years?

The answer to all these questions and more is of course: SUMO!

If the most experience you've had of the sport is watching some people get into those plastic sumo suits and plastic sumo suits go at each other, then watch the video below first. It is footage of the 2006 Nagoya Basho, the 14th day, and the most important bout of the tournament. Winner of 17 Emperor's Cups, Mongolian Yokozuna (grand champion) Asashoryu had an unbeaten record of 13-0 going into the second-last day. His closest competitor (Hakuho, another Mongolian) was at 11-2, so a victory would give Asa the title a day before the end of the basho. His opponent was Chiyotaikai, a rikishi (wrestler) at sumo's 2nd highest rank of Ozeki (champion) and winner of 3 Emperor's cups, but none since 2003.



So well done to Asashoryu, he must have been doing his exercises.
But strangely enough, that awesome minute of thrusting, pushing, posturing and mawashi-tugging is not the only reason why Sumo is so fantastic. The best part is the characters that play-out this super-sized drama. Here's a run-down of a few of them:

Asashoryu (Ussa-shore-ryu)
- Complete dominator of the past few years of competition, Asa is known as the "Genghis Khan of Sumo". He has 17 titles, but has won them during a span of just 23 tournaments. In 2005 he completed a supreme double- clean sweep of all tournaments, which gave him 7 tournament victories in a row, both were feats never before achieved. Despite his dominance, he is not well-liked among Japanese, essentially because he is a foreigner. The Japanese make up excuses for reasons such as "He shows too much emotion".

Kotooshu (Cotto-ore-shoe)
- The "David Beckham of Sumo", Bulgarian Kotooshu is loved in Japan for his 'good looks', 'resembling' the british footballer. He is in many ways more popular than Asashoryu despite his inferior record, and appears on TV shows- see "King of Chicken". He became the first European rikishi to reach sumo's 2nd-highest rank of Ozeki last year. At 203cm, Kotooshu is not as overweight as most other top sumo athletes, and uses his superior wingspan and wrestling background to flip opponents more often than not.

"King of Chicken" - a competition among celebrities to keep their heart-rates below a certain 'Bikkuri' (scared) threshold. Sick Japanese humour at its best.


Baruto (Ba-roo-toh)
- The second of the new breed of rikishi from Europe, Baruto's real name is Kaido Hoovelson, and he hails from Estonia. He is a giant of the game, weighing 172kg. This makes it more amusing when you find his nickname is the "Leonardo DiCaprio of Sumo". Told to come to Japan at a young age as he would just need to eat, sleep and occasionally wrestle, Baruto was surprised at the dedication required to reach the top division. Nevertheless, he reached the division in the second tournament of 2006 and has a winning record in all tournaments thus far.





Tochiazuma (Toh-chee-ah-zoo-ma)
- The only Japanese-born rikishi to have a chance at becoming a Yokozuna at the moment, he has so far crumbled under the public pressure, as well as injury.

Hakuho (hah-koo-hoh)
- Another Mongolian, Hakuho has 1 title this year, and come close to winning two others, yet has been denied the promotion to Yokozuna. Some say this is because the Japanese organisers don't want another foreign-born grand champion. With continued pressure he will force them to promote him, and expect this to occur next tournament if he can finish in the top 2.

Takamisakari (Tah-car-me-sah-car-ree)
- The 'Jester of sumo', Taka is hilarious to watch for his antics before a bout when he psyches himself up. This involves slapping his chest and moving his body about in a fairly retarded manner. He loses quite often but has held on to his place in the top division due partially due to being a crowd favourite. He also looks like Hermes from Ship To Shore. (-couldn't find a picture, anyone got one?)
UPDATE: He's apparently lucky with the ladies.

This video demonstrates Takamisakari's psyche-out on Asashoryu back in 2003. It is one of two occasions he has defeated a Yokozuna in his career. Notice the cushions being thrown onto the ring by the crowd. This is only done on rare occasions when something exciting has happened- like an upset or a championship win.


All Hail Takamisakari!

Moving up the widget rankings

http://widgets.yahoo.com/gallery/?search=chuntometer&x=0&y=0
Big news. The widget is now hosted on yahoo. get it now.

Chuntometer v1.1.1

another update here

Just a few minor but necessary changes.

WTF?

what does wtf mean? GYPO.

"Leet" Speak

http://cbs4boston.com/seenon/local_story_102221323.html

watch it, I was totally ROFLMAO.

Instructions for this story were:
1. Get heaps of 'experts', but only take a sentence from each, because they might take it in a different direction if they get longer than that.
2. Don't take the lord's name in vain- it is easter- saying 'gosh' is ok though.
3. Permission for urban myths as fact- "there was this one child" is an acceptable start to a sentence.
4. Keep it as short as possible- people interested in acronyms want everything shortened, including a story about acronyms.
5. Use scary graphics to reveal each acronym's "true" meaning in a manner not unlike 'Bert's Family Feud'.
6. Explain clearly that it is fine if your daughter is chatting to a 65 year old man, as long as she doesn't talk to him using acronyms.


We surveyed 100 people about this CBS news report, can you guess their answers?
Is POS on the board, Bert?
....Yeees, Piece Of Shit, cooooongratulations that's the top answer!

for more information on the original Leet speak, wiki it.

The Coolest Guy: Nominee 2 (a myspace rant)

'The Coolest Guy' is a quest I have to trawl the web for the coolest people in the world. Many people would think Hollywood is a good location to start looking, or our sports stars, and that is fair enough. However, here at LeBlogMac, we believe that it is those unsung heroes who deserve recognition. People who believe they are cool but haven't achieved appropriate prestige.

Haven't Seen Nominee 1?

Nominee 2: This is aimed at a lot of myspace websites, but particularly this guy.

Name: BigSmooth0187

Why is he cool?
1. It says so on his myspace site
2. He's cooler than BigSmooths 0000->0186
3. List of people he'd like to meet:
Jesus, Meatloaf, Nancy Regan, Uncle Jesse from Fullhouse, Gumby...

I'd like to be at that dinner table:
Jesus: "So, Jesse, want to own up to abusing those twins on Full House?"
Gumby: "Don't eat me, Meatloaf. And no, I am not apple-flavoured."

----end Coolest Guy Segment----

----begin myspace rant----------

Have you been to myspace? For those of you who haven't, it is essentially the website equivalent of a Balinese beach-seller crossed with a dating site, then add the cream of the crop of our society to choose the media they show (and force upon you) and what they write.

When you enter a myspace site, it usually has a popup window, coupled with a song and or a video playing at the same time. The background is usually some "heaps cool" image the retard/retardo author has chosen- don't be surprised if it means you can't read a lot of the text and just be thankful it saves you the pain of reading the crap.

Luckily, it has no shortage of sluts.- check it out, her name is "It's All About Sex, Drugs & House Music". How lovely. That one is a great example of people using it to explain to everyone how much of a sexual being they are, and how much they 'party it up' with their "XOXOAWSUMxxx:) ('-')GORGeUz FRiendZ#$%^&*)_)+*&^%$". That last one is great- she totally supplies what 'EvRy' boy needs, and also what 'EvRy' dirty old man looking for a fix needs.

Myspace. Keeping the internet full of even more useless crap.

Try the 5-step Myspace Challenge!!!
1) Open 5 myspace windows at once
2) Listen to the many songs that automatically play at the same time
3) Record it and email it back to them
4) Forward it back to them again (Use Gmail or something that doesn't require multiple uploading)
5) And again...

So Anyway..... If you made it this far... Got any other questions that might be thrown back and forth across the BigSmooth0187 dinner table? Comment.

Videopost 2- Thought you were dedicated to your game of choice? You haven't met this guy

Chuntometer Widget v1.1! Oh Yeah!

New Images, thanks to Sam Barratt and Sam Barratt

Get it now.

usual instructions on how to install it:

Chuntometer Widget v1.0.6

new version...minor updates... get it.

Ode to ElegantDGenerate

This is all that remains of the removed blogs of Cam Version 1 (version 2, check this out).

lest we forget camdensblogv1, it is amazing how so many of these are still relevant in the present day. Camdensblogv1 was certainly ahead of its time.

Revised Tourism Advertising Campaign
23 Feb 2006 by phatcam

"Where the bloody hell are ya", is the phrase in a new tourism advertising campaign causing a brouhaha. Used by a hot girl so that they can claim that it's not only massive bogans that use this kind of talk. ...

After Inner Enlightenment?
22 Feb 2006 by phatcam

The path to inner enlightenment almost certainly involves frequent hard drug use. The chance to have God talk back to you during prayer is a fairly large draw card for a religion and if the beatles happen to make an appearance in their ...

22 Feb 2006 by phatcam

just read a bio with a guy described as a elegant degenerate. I have a new title to aim for.

ru486 or are you against it?
9 Feb 2006 by phatcam

(Oh mercy. now that's a quality head line) Hey ladies. late? Red baron missing in action? or just knorked up with another illegitimate child? well, before you head off to down a few ru486s with a few vodka chasers consider some of the ...

ok so the blog wasn't kicking there for a while...
6 Feb 2006 by phatcam

........but nick's travel blog has inspired me to document my movements from the fridge to the toilet to the tv (and then back) once again. i've tinkered with a few settings and whatnot. we also have a brand spanking new look at 'the ...

speaking of wangs.............
28 Aug 2005 by phatcam

for those who were watching the football on saturday- was i the only one who saw a bit more or mark ricciuto than they ever thought they would? in the pants kind of area. well, what should have been in the pants. ...

Chuntometer Widget Update

v1.0.4 is now available

Nick leaves Wednesday, so expect a rising chuntometer level very soon.

"Sumo Kenko Taiso" - Sumo health exercises

"In a severe natural environment, human beings trod the land, persevered and survived, and over time came to walk up right on two feet, behavior which is not seen among other animals. At the same time, humans took on the burden of balancing themselves in an unstable upright posture."

Sounds like the contents of a SPAM email crossed with a David Attenborough documentary you say? Wrong... maybe the next image will explain it all:

Still not sure what it is about? It is a serious attempt by the Official Grand Sumo Federation to improve people's health. It is no surprise then that this guy is thought of by the same people as "The leonardo DiCaprio of Sumo", and this guy is the "David Beckham of Sumo".
Maybe the Australian obesity epidemic could be improved by following these exercises.
This is a standard Japanese thing to do: have an 8-step instruction set for waving your arms. I'm not quite sure how this can be applied to everyday life however. I'm not sure how often in the future I will have the need to "express the wrestler's promise to fight fairly and cleanly". I guess I could talk to the other members of my basketball team and organise that we do this together before a game- our version of the New Zealand All-Blacks' Haka maybe.
Of course Standing on one leg improves balance....IF YOU WEIGH 150kgs!

I could continue commenting for hours on this, but that's where I'll leave it.

Don't work out too long or hard, we don't want you to lose that sumo figure.

The Coolest Guy: Nominee 1

'The Coolest Guy' is a quest I have to trawl the web for the coolest people in the world. Many people would think Hollywood is a good location to start looking, or our sports stars, and that is fair enough. However, here at LeBlogMac, we believe that it is those unsung heroes who deserve recognition. People who believe they are cool but haven't achieved appropriate prestige.

Nominee 1: (rumoured to be a pseudonym Nick Parkin uses)

He wins the first nomination for several reasons.
1. The photo would have been enough to get him in, I especially like the addition of sunglasses to the outfit- I had never realised that the 'Dark Side' was so named because they wore sunnies indoors.
2. His wonderful combination of Old Country music with Techno makes him a hit with the ladies.... =cool.
3. I am not religious by any means, but as far as I know, Jesus Christ always was, as he put it "pro-light" i.e. a big supporter of the light-saber making industry. So dedicating the business to Christ makes so much sense that he must be our first nomination for The Coolest Guy.

MASTER PARKS

Master Parks AKA: Jeffrey A. Parks

Favorite Music	Nat'l Public Radio, Blues, Old Country, Techno
Goal	To be the best Lightsaber Designer in the world.

Faith	Jesus Christ is my professed Lord and Savior. Through God's love, Christ's sacrafice, and the power of the Holy Spirit, I have been redeemed.
"Because of God's love and power, I dedicate the efforts of this business toward the glorification of Christ."