Book Review #3 Australian CB Scene

I found a few fantastic magazines while doing some Summer antiquing (no, I haven't used those two words together before). Apparently there were two hit 'zines in the 1977- Australian CB Scene and CB Action. I am now the proud owner of an edition of both of them.

Clearly heavily bankrolled by the CB radio industry, Australian CB Scene is a fantastic read. For starters, how can you make a woman lying on a Jag look more attractive? Put a Super Panther CB radio in her lap of course!

It includes the sections 'How to Look Like a Trucky', 'Non-CBing Neighbour, 'Mobile Antenna: Long or Short' and 'Who's Who in CB' (below).

"I got into CB two months ago and am completely wrapt in it," says 18-year old trainee-teacher, Fiona (handle: "Sheena"). She finds it a welcome relief from exam pressures. "I used to be into the pen-pal thing, but it is no comparison to a real-live voice!"

"I seem to spend more time with me rig than me girlfriend," writes 23-year old Canberra milkman Gordon (handle: "Phantom Nose-Picker"). He uses his rig during the day, has picked up all kinds of overseas calls on skip. "CB is the cheapest entertainment I know. Beats three bucks a seat at the flicks anytime."

I can't think of anything that could have possibly replaced this amazing technology. Why don't we all have miniaturized CB radios nowadays? They should be able to fit in wrist-watches by now... when Apple comes up with a hip new iCB I'll take 2.

Naming a child after a Web 2.0 online Florist

I was perusing one of those school fund-raising tea towels yesterday and found a particularly unusual name. There were the standard six-yr-old attempts at self-portraits drawn by 'Jack', 'Tim', and the classically alternatively spelt names 'Rylee' and 'Izee'. But 'Flowr' caught my eye- what a name. I guess the parents thought 'Flower' was too woodstock-hippy for their liking and dropped the e. Now I'm going to have to name my first child 'Flickr'. Or perhaps to make things simple if it is a girl I should name her 'Daughtr'...

EngVibe.com.au becoming more than just a vibe

Here's a shameless plug for a new site created for Engineering students, graduates and professionals alike.

"A news and resource site, EngVibe exists to provide information for those considering, or working towards a career in engineering. A key aim of EngVibe is to celebrate the successes of individuals and organisations and publicly recognise the hard work and significant achievements within the engineering field."

Website: EngVibe.com.au
Submit your own stories to: submit@engvibe.com

5 tips for full-time employment that Engineers Australia never told you

1. IT Infrastructure Assurance

You must ensure that your e-mail and IM clients are fully functional at all times. In today's high-tech world it goes without saying that an office worker would have great difficulty surviving without these tools. The reason for this, of course, is for fast notification of important events such as- to quote some recent emails I've received:

"CHICKEN IN KITCHEN. COME AND GET IT!"

or "DONUTS IN KITCHEN BE QUICK."

If you lose connection for just a few minutes, all your opportunities for free food will be gone.

2. IT Infrastructure Maximisation

Your computer can never have too much RAM. True office politics in engineering is about scheming and conniving to acquire the most screen real estate and the best computer specs. It doesn't matter if you only use Notepad and a terminal window, bigger is better. Public displays of your IT infrastructure wealth are encouraged. Perhaps photos on your personal blog is too subtle... I know, a screensaver with the text "Mine's 24 inches, how 'bout yours?". That'll do the trick.

3. Meeting Expectations

When given a task, it's of great importance that you meet the expectations of the manager who set it. By meeting expectations you confirm to your superiors that you are a capable employee. If it isn't possible to deliver on-time, explain your difficulties ahead of time with appropriate justification. However, I do stress the phrase is 'MEET' expectations, not 'EXCEED' expectations. If you complete a task earlier than expected, what does that tell your manager? It tells him/her that you are not being pushed hard enough. The next task you can expect to have a day or two cut from the deadline, which takes me back to the root of this tip, Meeting Expectations.

4. Utilising Available Materials

Generally a workplace has a certain location dedicated to providing you with the materials you require. A room, a cupboard, where you can get the right tools to organise your work. Perhaps a diary, or 5 different coloured pens and highlighters. This can also be a treasure trove of goods such as blank DVDs and batteries that can even be used for non-work purposes (or even sold-on at profit!). If you are feeling guilty about 'stealing' company property just think of it this way: If employees go too far and steal too much, the service providing free stuff will be removed altogether... so you need to steal as much as you can before that happens!

5. Internet Security

The largest impediment to good procrastination at work is the obvious limit on going to internet sites which are blatantly stupid and/or prrrn0graphic for hours on end. Successful procrastination requires walking the fine line between starting at news.com and ending with collegehumour.com. Pushing the boundaries the day after your probationary period ends is prudent investigation of your organisation's security and monitoring capabilities. It's very important that you are aware of the status of facebook on your company's block list. Just book it down on your timesheet or include it in your yearly review as Internet Security watch.

The Religion Debate: how does it affect bums?

I have read, heard and seen a lot recently about the religion debate. Today I was reminded of an oft-forgotten side of religious activism: the crazy religious bum. They don't get paid, they don't sing well, they don't have powerful connections, they don't even get anyone to listen to them... ever. But either way they put their hours in, working for The Man, harassing people.

This afternoon I was tapped on the shoulder while at a pedestrian crossing. I turned around to have a dirty middle-aged man thrust his face in mine, open his toothless mouth and say, "Are you a catholic?". I responded with a disinterested "No.", to which he quickly stepped back as if I were the one omitting the foul stench (albeit a poorly-acted action considering he has probably done the same thing a million times).

My loosely topical tie-in is this. If the atheism push reaches bums, then what will be left for them to do? If celebrities are the modern day religious idols, then will I one day be stopped by a man saying, "Are you a Brad or Jen believer?". I pray to our lord Shane Warne that it will never come to that.

Plevin07.com

So you may have heard that Kevin Rudd has launched a new election website.

I say two can play at that game. Launched today was plevin07.com.

More will be revealed shortly so stay tuned.

Chicks in politics

There is no better forum than UpShake.com for the news that there's now an all-female party in Australia. Yeah, yeah, legitimate feminist concerns about our phallocentric society aside, this party is called the What Women Want Australia Party. I shit you not. (You can check out their website here.) A party named after a shitty Mel Gibson movie. (Sure, Family First could be the Passion of the Christ party.) Anyway that reminds me, you should watch The Year of Living Dangerously if it ever comes on telly again, it's not a bad movie. And it stars Mel Gibson.

What Women Want: is the party as shit as the movie?

I'd be worried about a political party named after a feel-good romantic comedy, wouldn't you? Or should we be more concerned that this is a political party named after a vehicle for Mel Gibson, a well-known ANTI-SEMITE?! And look at their hard-line pacifist ideology on the war for liberation in Iraq - a war, which, it is well-known would bring peace and stability to the people of the Middle East! Clearly this party HATES JEWS!!! Who are they funded by, Iran? Ironic...since Iran is well-known for its misogynist government policies...

On that note, I may have added Jews to the list of religions we've offended here at UpShake.com (Christians, Muslims, Scientologists).

A bit of a heads-up for the pagans - you're next.

SlamBall

I've seen a lot of films set in the future that depict sports fanatics obsessing over bizarre futuristic sports. If I was to trust this crystal ball gazing, I would be predicting a new age where the 'best' elements of existing sports are mashed together with a sprinkle of showmanship and a dash of violence.

The future is NOW. Well 2002-3 was. Welcome to SLAMBALL. Slamball's premise is:

(from their website) "What would you get if you took the athletic components of football, basketball, hockey and gymnastics, and mixed them together with the insanity of action sports?"



I hear the protective parents in you yelling the old equation-
basketball + trampolines = (oh so much pain)*π
Fear not. With a bit of supervision, children can be just like their Slamball idols. Or maybe not (that's one of the top viewed videos on youtube, a testament to Slamball's popularity, no?).

So why did this sport not continue beyond its first 2 years of competition? I can't believe it was over before I knew about it. Perhaps Mason Gordon, creator and player of Slamball, couldn't find enough players to fill the teams as each player requires a few rare superhuman attributes:

"You have to be tough as aluminum siding to play this game," says Gordon, "and your heart has to be bigger than your entire chest. You have to possess boundless belief in yourself and your ability. If you don't have that, you can't come close to playing SlamBall at this level."

Man Vs Beast

Evolution-tards

Nerdy Standups

Those who know Plevs' recent attempts in the world of stand-up comedy already have some experience with nerd-comedy.

We are a lucky country, it's been said, and it's true. We've had a pretty peaceful past compared to most countries. But it's funny what people will say. "Yew oughta support the Americans. If it weren't for them we'd all be eating sushi." (shrug) That would in actual fact be awesome. So if the Japanese had rolled into Darwin in 1942, they would have brought us some sushi? What do they say in Turkey these days? "You must support the valiant defenders of Gallipoli! If it weren't for them you'd all be eating Chiko rolls." ~Plevs' raw comedy set 2007.

However, I think this guy defeats even Plevs on all counts. As the self-proclaimed "world's first and only stand-up economist*", Yoram Bauman has tried the world of comedy after many years of study left him the brains, but unfortunately also the body, of Stephen Hawking.

Anyway, check out his take on the core principles of Economics- video and transcript.
This one is amusing because of the very narrow group of people that will get it, but that's what we like about our nerdy comedians. They seem certain that everyone will understand their humour as it is so obvious to them in the first place. If you don't quite get any of it after watching the video, I recommend reading the transcript. Maybe it isn't as much of an instant hit as Generic Wheelchair Guy making jokes about being disabled, or Token Black Guy making jokes about racial sterotypes, or...you know where this goes... but after dissecting his points you just might find it hilarious. Or if not, just laugh at this bit from his site:

"My father says that the real joke is my abandoning nine years of higher education to pursue a career in stand-up comedy. Please help me prove him wrong by hiring me to perform at your holiday parties &etc. "

Here's him again doing something less economicsy about bumper stickers. You can also check out the Freakonomics post from a while back.

Once you go black, you never go back

Our Prime Minister sure has been acting funny this year. First he's criticising Barack Obama, saying that if he were al-Qaeda, he'd be praying for an Obama victory. Then he's off banning Snoop Dogg touring Australia. Now Mr Howard has banned our cricket team from touring Robert Mugabe's Zimbabwe.

Let's take a look at all these people.




Notice anything in common with these three men? Apart from their taste in high couture?

Yeah that's right. All I'm saying, is if the Up In Smoke tour ever comes Down Under, it'll just be Eminem...

Fried chicken: Kevin Rudd's secret election ploy

It's that time of year again

Eurovision! When United Europe fragments once more into little fiefdoms based on awful songs. Serbia was the winner this year:



with Marija Serifovic, who looks like the Balkans' answer to k.d. lang.

Switzerland - Europe's bastion of peace, freedom and neutrality, and home to the 80's electronic act Yello ("Oh Yeah", as in Ferris Bueller's Day Off and the Duff-Man Song), brought out DJ Bobo this year. The lyrics are haunting, eerie as one might expect for a song called "I Am A Vampire".

I am a vampire, I'm a slave
A slave to the daylight, hence my grave

Lithuania, famous for last year's "We Are The Winners" effort, brought out an act at this contest called 4Fun (bah, rip-off of 4 Non Blondes) and a song called "Love or Leave". Listen to the opening bongo solo and tell me it's not a rip-off of Dido's "Thank You".



Europe still has many countries that aren't entrants to Eurovision including, but not limited to:
1. Chechnya
2. Sealand
3. The Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus
4. The Vatican

Come on, Pope Benedict XVI, do your new country proud. He could pump out some old German-language hits like Kraftwerk, Falco or "Who Do You Think You're Kidding Mr Hitler".

Molvania's entry to Eurovision

History corner! South Australia had the winning entry for the for the 1898 Australian Colonies Vision with Chunky Custard (below)

Asteroids? more like ass-teroids

There are thousands of asteroids (google it bitches). Since there aren't thousands of Greek gods, they've got to start naming them after other things. Guess what asteroid number 6433 is named?

Enya.

That's right, that bullshit singer known for turd music that even elevators refuse to play. What the fuck are astronomers on, naming asteroids after fucking Enya? What if Enya strikes Earth? Would we be wiped out in a wave of shitty, ironically unrelaxing synth-based pseudo-Celtic music? Arrrrggghh.

Love from the angry spaceman

Jesus Freak

"People say I'm strange, does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger"

~DC Talk's 'Jesus Freak' (proving for hopefully the last time that Christian Rock is an oxymoron)

Writing lyrics is hard at the best of times, let alone if you have to try and cram words like 'manger' into a chorus.

Just had to put that out there. Rest of the lyrics here.

DC Talk - Jesus Freak

The gayest video I've ever seen.

Best op shop find ever

Did you know that Tony Barber (ex-Sale of the Century, Wheel of Fortune) sings? Well neither did I...until I found his cassette I BELIEVE which contains various religious songs!!!!! Best $2 or whatever I've spent in a while. Guaranteed to take the 'lapsed' out of this lapsed Catholic and convert all you heathens out there.

Thus I shall institute the OP SHOP GAME: if you can find any musical recording equally worthy, I shall pay a prize (probably shout you a round of drinks or something). And I'd be all too keen to buy this shite off of you.

Imaginary Examples of what would be considered WORTHY might include: The Moog Orchestra Plays The Hits of Prince, hyopethetical albums by Larry Emdur or Anton Enus, oompah band recordings from Hahndorf, yah yah you get the drift.

Kamahl doesn't count. His recordings proliferate like mould in the opportunity shops of Adelaide.

Sign of the Times

My favourite new store. Word is that Cam has been lurking here trying to listen in on his favourite crowd for some new material. I don't know about you, but I generally think that if a female is in the process of creating another life she generally qualifies for the title of 'woman'.

A Guide to Social Adequacy

Problem: A friend is basing an entire conversation around a word with which you are not familiar.

Solution: Quickly as possible change the subject back to how cool the original TMNT movie was; then take a mental note: Your friend is a wanky, pretentious knob. Try and minimize contact with him/her on all further occasions. Then become au fait with the word and all its possible connotations, then try and work it into as many conversations as possible. You will impress others with your obviously extensive vocabulary. (Perfect example of a wanky pretentious knob: deliberate use of words, such as 'au fait', when an English equivalent is both clearer and easier)


Problem: You bump into and old friend, acquaintance or colleague in a situation that requires more that a polite smile and nod. You have run out of your one and a half minute of chit-chat.

Solution: A method upon which the entire fields of psychiatry and clinical psychology are based, play dead. Basically its a game of awkward-chicken: The first person to crack has to supply the next subject in conversation. Although this requires some initial stoicism (it takes a little practice), the rewards far out weigh the effort, with your only requirements for the following subject a few 'uh-huhs'. When that subject finishes, do it again. This method also comes in handy when it's your shout or when the check comes.

For the expert: try this method when asked a direct question. If you close your eyes and slump down on the ground you've probably gone too far. If your opponent calls an ambulance, you've definitely gone too far, although you will obviously have mastered the technique and have earned my admiration.


Problem: Procrastination. Finding that you just can't get the simplest tasks done with out an impending deadline hanging above you.


Solution: Unprotected sex with strangers. Not only will you get to experience the instant gratification of one night stands, but you find that your newly acquired STDs will help you find the motivation to achieve those life goals. Time will be precious, to be prolific will be a requirement.


feel free to write in with any problems you might have. i'll do my best to help you out.

Konceited Krap

Plevs, you probably would've walked past this guy even if he had a neon sign. To make things worse you would've been humming this tune at the time...

Klassical Korner

Take a seat in your comfortable recliner, pour yourself a gin and tonic and look down your noses at the masses. Thanks to the helpful suggestions below, you have now discovered CLASSICAL MUSIC. You now have street cred with that hot flautist from the Symphony Orchestra. Or Vangelis. Whoever takes your fancy.

1. Arvo Pärt - Spiegel im Spiegel
2. Tchaikovsky - Russian Dance (from The Nutcracker)
3. Erik Satie - Trois Gymnopedies
4. Schubert - Ave Maria
5. Gyorges Ligeti - Requiem For Soprano, Mezzo Soprano, Two Mixed Choirs and Orchestra
6. Tchaikovsky - Andante, Symphony no. 6 in B Minor, Op. 24- Pathetique
7. Gustav Holst - Mars, The Bringer of War
8. Dvorak - Largo from Symphony no. 9
9. Debussy - Claire de Lune
10. for the hell of it - the very jarring "Threnody for the Victims of Hiroshima" by Krzysztof Penderecki

Book Review #2 aka Cheap laughs from generation gaps

This is just a quick review of a fabulous novel I found recently among the trash and treasure that is my ex-house mate's stuff.

The piece was released semi-recently by that most reputable of publishing firms, Beaver Books, and is the classic title, "Gay Stories For Girls".

Since I found it last week, there's nothing more that I like to do on an evening than to pick up Gay and have a read.

It is a mystery to me exactly why Copenhagen is 'The Gay City', but I'm sure JF Burke knew what he/she was on about. I mean, it says "The Danes (aka The Gays) love to sit at restaurants". Need I spell it out more?

Finally, this heartfelt story about a trio of women finding it difficult to open up about their sexuality really touched me. "Feeling properly caught out, they were backing away when, evidently stirred by a sudden (sexual) impulse, the woman began beckoning them".

The Angry Socialist

Attention fellow revolutionaries,

Every man shall be equal if I have to personally fuck each and every last one of you fuckers. Too old to hang with the emo kids; too much struggle for the conformed masses, I've been left to search the world over for a new start, a new beginning. One caricature exchanged for another. Ah, the relief of the sub-culture.

So, help me. Help me un-fuck the world (I already have the catchy slogan down). Help me stick it to the man, the, apathetic, the latte sipping bourgeois and the capitalist pigs.

Help me. But, be aware, it's not all hard work; we will get to wear our drab earthy greys and browns. Berets are all the rage in our crowd. If you really want to get into it, grow some prematurely fuzzy beatnik facial hair. I know you're gonna fit right in. We're also pretty liberal with personal hygiene. So yeah, you know, bathing is optional and stuff. The working, every-man's time has come. Together we shall overthrow our corrupt and evil over capitalist masters.

But hold on; one step at a time. Mum won't buy me a car for my birthday and Dad belittles my ultra-veganism (someone molested a cow for you to have that milkshake). They'll both totally freak if i get one of those really cool wicker tattoos. Life is so unfair!

- The Angry Socialist



Dear Moron,

You are an idiot. Given, what with technological advances in all areas (the information age: all answers, no questions), the world is smaller now than it ever has been. There is something seriously fucking wrong with someone who wants to adopt the struggle of a people from a different time, place and culture and wear it as their own fashion accessory. 'Avoidance', I think is the name of the technical name, that is of course, if it's not down outright superficial vanity. Take off your Che Guevara T-shirt, I don't care how well it goes with your ripped jeans and how alternative it makes you look. I hate you and you're not my real father.

regards, Cam

The Great Online Dating Experiment, Pt. 2. The sexiest disease.

Okay, we've established that some men aren't too fussy when it comes to the mass slaughter of unfavoured ethnic populations. I've decided to do a new poll. Which disease is sexiest?

1. Having a goiter?

2. Scurvy?

3. Cotard delusion? (The belief that you're dead)

I've decided to sate my knowledge by putting up profiles on adultmatchmaker.com.au - goiter_gal, iluvvitaminc, walkingsexydead. Will update you.

The medical profession will benefit greatly from determining which diseases are diagnosed as being sexy.

A salute to Music's unsung heroes

Yeah, yeah, we've all heard bands saying how they were totally blown away by Velvet Underground and Nico or the Smiths or Kraftwerk or whatever and then they went and formed their contemporary R&B/electronica/alt-country/jazz-funk fusion combo that plays at the Wheatsheaf every second Tuesday night and oh my God isn't the obscure Krautrock movement so fucking awesome.

I'm sick of it. Lou Reed, Morrissey, Flavor Flav etc don't really need any bigger egos from people giving them mad props for their influential music. Today, I'm going to salute the really influential music. The true unsung heroes and masterpieces of the melodic arts.

Recognise any of these songs?

1. GRAN VALS, Francisco Tarrega

2. Orchestral Suite No. 2 in B Minor, BADINERIE, J.S. Bach

3. ENTRY OF THE GLADIATORS, Julian Fučík

4. TAR SEQUENCE, Lalo Schifrin

5. THE MISSION, John Williams

6. STREETS OF CAIRO, Sol Bloom (?).

You do. They are - (1) What the Nokia ringtone is derived from, (2) another song you'd most certainly recognise in ringtone format, (3) The classic "do, do, doodle-doodle, do do doo do" circus clown song, (4) National Nine News' theme song (from the movie Cool Hand Luke which stars Paul Newman, so think of that when you use your substandard pasta sauce to make an Amatriciana), (5) Seven Nightly News' theme song, (6) the music that cartoons play to indicate the presence of a magic carpet, a genie or an Egyptian.

And have you heard of Peter Wall and Tony Ansell? No? Tony Ansell was a jazz musician and a session player on Richard Clapton's song "Girls on the Avenue". He, along with Peter Wall, also wrote the old ABC news theme. (You know, the awesome one, not the current less cool one.)

Soulseek it up or look for the MIDIs online, you'll find at least some of them.

So, I present to you The Ringo Awards: an attempt to find some of the most underappreciated composers of our time, named after the most underappreciated Beatle. I will attempt to track down our nation's most precious musical resources and honours them accordingly.

The winner of the first Ringo Award: Rafael May. He composed the music for that especially erotic Nissan Tiida advertisement with that chick from Sex and the City. I decided to write to him to express my appreciation. I urge you to do the same.

Get down with yo' M.P., yeah you know me

It has been reported by the Sydney Morning Herald, among others, that Singaporean politicians were showing how "phat" and "fly" they were by donning hip-hop gear. We have obtained photos of similar events in Australia.

It's now Parliamentary procedure policy for our MPs to wear their hats sideways.

The Great Internet Dating Experiments, Pt 1- The conclusion.

I'll leave you with some of the more strange responses I've received from ilovedicktator's profile. It really is worrisome.

"Hi, I just luv ur photo.It reminds me of the movie stars from 1940's." That's right, boy, it's Eva Braun. "You scare me a bit.I like that." So he bats off to that kid from The Exorcist. The truth comes out. "I am an extremely handsome bachelor,mid 40's'no ties." And yet, he claims to be 33 on his website. What a man of integrity. (Not that I can talk.)

From paul200: "Guess what the 200mm stands for!" I don't know. The distance of the restraining order issued against him by the NSW Supreme Court on behalf of several of the women on here, divided by 1000?

There's also: "Haha! Gotta say that I totally luv ur profile. Goes well with the sexy gal in the pic ;-) Can’t help but get the sense that ur a wild soul. ( or of course the profile’s bogus?-no not a chance )." What the fuck?! So close but yet so far! "Luv 2 hear a girl label herself as ultra right wing!" Pauline Hanson, watch out. He's been taking an especial interest in your appearance on "Dancing With The Stars". Whilst that is funny, this is actually disturbing. "And yes, I am someone that understands that a lady dropping a line to say hullo, may mean just that, Hullo. Or even that it's time to crush some pi*sy lil' peice o sh*t on tha damn map!" Watch out, Tonga.

The hilarious "Hi I am antelligent,fun-lving teacher who loves to teach,learn and be assertive." The ironies present in this one sentence could fill up a blog post. Poor kids he's teaching.

"Yeah, at the moment I dont mind a bit of swinging... looking forward to getting together with you soon.." Awesome. Me neither. Let's hook up.

"Hi!Id like to hook up with you and push ypur boundries baby.." Just like Hitler pushed Germany's boundaries into Austria. Then the Sudetenland. Then Poland. Et cetera.

"would my hard 10inch match ur discreet affair?" That speaks for itself.

And it looks like a certain well-known historical figure has found someone he's fond of.

"Hi there,I just LOVED your profile,It shows the kind of heart a warrior needs to conquer a country or two!The only thing i am lacking right now is the means... it's not easy building a decent sized arsenal from one man's salary.
What do you think would make a great despot?I would definitely require the services of an enigmatic lieutenant, that could make hearts rece and tremble in awe...I would love to hear from you."

Write me, c/o A. Hitler, Reichstag, Berlin, 1933.

Conclusion from the experiment. A vast number of Australian men are either unobservant or uncaring of partner requests like "finding genocide sexy". This really does bode ill for our democracy.

I'm not sure what future research directions this project should take. I'd rather point out people's stupidity rather than deliberately fool them into thinking I'm a wonderful woman (well, ilovedicktators did want sex, but on the other hand she, well, loves dictators). Any suggestions as to how to approach this would be welcome. Particularly with the existence of such websites as countrywesternsingles.com.

Watching the News, Learning Nothing

I’ve been watching the media with unusual diligence this past week or so. National Nine News, Today Tonight, Dr. Phil, AM, Today - I’ve been watching it all, in addition to the usual reputable stuff. Why am I wasting my time with all this junk? Well, first off I have no job at the moment, so succumbing to the attractions of midday TV as been all too sweet and easy. But there is also a reason for this unprecedented consumption of news rubbish – my university course has recommended that I do it.

To gain a better understanding of the media around us, my lecturers have encouraged us journalism students to view all Australian media, not just the usual pinko stuff like SBS and ABC. This is because commercial organisations are the main information provider for the masses. Also, they are rich as hell – and will pay more in employment. So I might as well get used to their lax morals now if I want to make in the industry.

Anyway, the whole experience has been eye-opener for me (even for someone who grew up reading The Advertiser), and I thought I’d give you some highlights of my media watching over the last few days:

- Channel 7 News ran a story tonight regarding a 12-year-old girl who had been approached by a paedophile as she walked to school. Instead of the usual, ambiguous camera-shots of faceless school yards and children’s backpacks, Channel 7 made the appalling decision to conduct an interview with the girl, in front of her own school. She was crying, extremely upset, mentioned how the man was ‘touching himself’, and then the journalist began grilling her on how it ‘made her feel’ and ‘why it upset you’. The unprofessionalism and insensitivity of the journalist was sickening – the poor girl is only 12. Her face was blotched, but they left her real voice, and her school uniform was clearly visible. I couldn’t believe it. You’re not supposed to interview victims of sexual assault when they are minors!

- Also on Channel 7, they decided to run full 60 second story (the longest piece on their program) on the question of how their football commentators were ‘shaping up’ for the new footy season. Of course, both the commentators in question worked for Channel 7, and, unsurprisingly, they were ‘shaping up very well’.

- A commentator on Channel 9’s Today program referred to Mark Latham, and then Kevin Rudd, as “that other guy who ran before this current guy”. Deep political analysis right there.

- I discovered that Amanda Vanstone, our former Immigration Minister, and all-round Aussie super girl, hosts her own cooking segment on AM. The morning that I tuned in she was cooking Chinese Pork, and displaying the pleasantry and softly spoken manner for she is renowned (with quotes like: “If that’s too much chilly for you, then just bloody add less alright?”). Is this her new career move?

- I found out today that the Herald Sun makes hundreds of thousands of dollars every Valentine’s Day from personal advertisements. It’s not just Hallmark after all…

- Dr. Phil spent at least 2 minutes yesterday grilling a guest on her sexual affairs before marriage. Turns out she’d given oral sex, and had premarital vaginal sex 10 days before the ceremony. Dr. Phil went on, “See that’s your problem. You went to the alter in lust – you had nothing in common but sex.” Thanks Dr.Phil. This couple has endured 8 years of bad, unloving matrimony, and that’s his ‘professional’ diagnosis. They should have waited. Then, assumedly, it would be ok.

- I could go on forever, believe me, but I’ll conclude with by far the biggest commercial news headlines of the past few days, in descending order: 1) Britney Spear’s lack of hair. 2) Who fathered Anna Nicole’s daughter? 3) John Howard thinks Kevin Rudd is “full of himself”. Is he?

The two things I’ve learned from this exercise is that the commercial media industry is scary, and, more importantly, I really gotta get out more.

The Great Internet Dating Experiment, Pt. 1 - Responses

Sydney has plenty of horny men who lack both inhibition and scruples, it seems. A number of men (about eleven or so) have responded to my phoney profile so far. To update those who can't be bothered scrolling down the page slightly, I made a profile for a dictator-worshipping Sydneysider that was clearly ridiculous. However, there are a number of men who can't work out the "clear" and "ridiculous".

Responses have included:

"This is by far the most unique profile I have read lol. There was another however she was Ulatra left wing..so I doubt you 2 would get along lol. [Au contraire, Hitler and Stalin had the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact. -Ed.] Interesting to see how broad your interests are..Miltary history to shopping with the girls.." Ok, so at least he's noticed something's amiss. But nevertheless..."Look if your interested in chatting or meeting up"...he then proceeds to give me his name and email.

"love to meet up soon.i love erotica,skinnydipping,also love gviing [sic] massages to [sic]." Who doesn't love erotica? Maybe I should just meet up and see if he does a good man-sage.

"Love the photo. a vegeterian diet is being good to you." Thanks!

Now come the actual morons. E.g., bangem1000. I've footnoted it for analysis. "hi im a hot [1] brazillian/indian brown skinned male how loves sex [2] il do al the karma sutra mooves [3] on u 4 days haha holla back 4 a photo or my number".

1. And modest.
2. Who the fuck can't spell "who"?!?!?!!
3. "Mooves"? Maybe he's a graduate of Bovine University.

Having a look at his profile, he informs any interested ladies that "i like hanging out at my beach house and hot sex that goes on for days". Oh, so the '1000' in 'bangem1000' refers to the number of hours in one of his sexual escapades. Dare I holla back? I'm not sure, 'ilovedicktators' ain't no hollaback girl.

There's the gent with the charming name of cltplzr. Now why is a man who chooses that as his dating name single? It's such an informative name - "wow," the girls he writes to must think, "if I contact him via his MySpace site which he handily informed me exists, he'll please my clitoris. What am I waiting for?"

The last response I'll mention:
"well i not 2 sure if genocide is sexy but sometimes i get a laugh out of it does that count". I agree, 'Schindler's List' was a feel-good comedies. This whole Darfur thing is hilarious! LOL! Dead Africans, ROFL!

PS thanks to all those who liked the first post and to blogmaster Lachy!
PPS On the subject of morons, I heard this on Triple M this evening. Presumably it was a 'guess the connection between the songs' contest.

Announcer: We've had Down Under, Kashmir by Led Zeppelin and Great Southern Land.
Caller: Do all the songs start with 'D'?
Announcer: Kashmir starts with 'K' and Great Southern Land starts with 'G'.

Just remember, this guy, and all the wankers who wrote back to a tyrant-worshipping hornbag, all help to choose your elected leaders. Good Lord.

The Great Online Dating Experiment, Part 1: A Regular Dating Site and a Stupid Profile

Here's the deal. We have a new potential blogsmith. After a recent domination of the raw comedy scene in Adelaide, I present to you, Plevs. He isn't an official UpShake member yet, the comments will decide the issue. So, avid readers, is he a Ricky Gervais or a Chris Farley?
~LeBlogMac

Internet dating – a lot of people are against it, I don’t know why. Perhaps they think you start batting off to Microsoft Excel and then move on to looking for women. At least you don’t need to wear a condom when Internet dating. You just use anti-virus software. I’ve been meeting ladies from the Internet, on and off, for about two years now – with varying levels of success.

When your only competition is an obnoxious paperclip, online dating should be easy.

Saturday 17 December 2006: PASH!

Problem: this is part of the conversation.

Me: I like cheese.

Her: Wogs like cheese.

After a bit more pashing later on, I went home, took a few bites out of my Camembert (I am 1/4 Italian), had a wet dream about some Mozzarella, and have never seen her since.

Thursday 15 February 2007: PASH!

Problem: she’s not really my type. Besides, I think she was just upset that she didn't get any roses the day before (Valentine's Day).

Two pashes out of meeting twenty girls. That’s a 10% success rate. Some online girls are lovely and I still keep in contact with them. Some are doofuses and are best left to other men.

Not everyone is unsuccessful with dating and computers.

Why am I having so little success on these dating sites? Are they been frightened away by men who show them pictures of their penises before bothering to say hello? Well, I’ve decided to find out how stupid these men are. I’ve made a profile, ilovedicktators, on the free Internet dating site (which also does not seem to vet profiles before they are posted – although they do vet photos) www.singleswhoclick.com.au . Incidentally, I did meet one girl from this site, she was okay, although again, not really my type. Friendly, at least.

With the opening line of “Power corrupts. And makes me horny. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. And makes me absolutely horny”, I’m wondering how many men I can attract.

Will people be so stupid as to write to this? For added effect, I’ve also decided to post a photo of Eva Braun, which unfortunately hasn’t been approved on the site yet.

I’ll keep you posted with who writes to me.

~Plevs

Exerpts from Freakonomics

I picked up a good read the other day and seeing as there hasn't been much activity this month I thought I'd share some of it with the shake.

'Freakonomics' is written by a NY Times Magazine journalist and an Economist and essentially looks at examples of 'cool' microeconomic case studies. So they take a topic like, 'Why do drug dealers still live with their moms', and use data and eco principles to explain it.

A common amusement to me is the naming of children. 'Parents' who pick a name they like but then give it some supposed pizzazz (by choice or accident) with a bit of misspelling. Think Konna, Destinee, Ashly, Britany and so on. These guys got data allowing them to link a child's name with their mother's years of education. Here's a list of the top 8 'Jasmines' in ascending order of Maternal Education. (Data taken from every child born in California after 1961)

1. Jazmine (11.94 years)
2. Jazmyne (12.08)
3. Jazzmin (12.14)
4. Jazzmine (12.16)
5. Jasmyne (12.18)
6. Jasmina (12.50)
7. Jazmyn (12.77)
8. Jasmine (12.88)

I know it is an obvious and expected conclusion, but it is just good to see it as clearly as that with actual evidence.

If you were curious about the drug dealer case- They were able to get the financial books of a gang and analyse the breakdown of payments throughout the system. The reason that they still live at home is purely financial. Despite risking their lives, (25% of the actual dealers on the street will die due to 'work') standard henchmen (who make up the majority of the group) will earn just $3.30 an hour. If they make it to be the player in their local area then they can make around $100,000 a year (that's tax-free of course...) but such players are hesitant to divide this among the henchmen. As the leader of the gang in question J.T. said so eloquently, "You got all these niggers below you who want your job, you dig? So you know, you try to take care of them, but you know, you also have to show them you the boss. You gotta get yours first, or else you ain't no leader. If you start taking losses, they see you as weak and shit."

So what's the moral to this disjointed book suggestion? Ummm, don't get into drug dealing, get an education. You'll only end up with two girls named Jazmyne and Jazmine, and a massive debt.

If you want to read more, here's a version of the book in PDF form.

New Culture in Prospect

So I just moved from Southern Adelaide to Northern Adelaide. For those not in the know, the further North you go, the more industrial things tend to get. The term 'bogan' also gains relevance in direct proportion to the distance North from the city. In the few weeks I've been on the other side of the tracks I have noticed many cultural differences. Some are similar to Cam's experiences in the hospitality study entries he wrote a while back. Speaking of which, saw a lovely shop today called 'Maternity Girl'. Cam, what do you think of that one? The one stop shop for any fat pregnant teen? I thought so.

Anyway, another difference comes in the post once a week. I used to get the 'Eastern Courier' Messenger Newspaper. It had stories about the councillors of Unley deciding not to drink red wine during meetings in order to keep a clear head while making big decisions. Now I get the 'Standard' Messenger. A dull name for a dull paper. Its leading story this week was about cracking down on hoon drivers in Prospect.


It also has a section each week titled 'Key Questions'. I've spliced the more amusing ones from 2 weeks together.

They apparently asked some people 13 different (and useless) questions but then only print the same questions' answers (just 3). I don't know why they bother asking "Would you horse ride or bungee jump and why?" if they aren't going to publish it. I'll just put it down to Rupert Murdoch storing it for evil purposes like every other lefty pinko would.

Highlights:

• Renae Maher wins biggest bogan. Her fave food and drink is listed as "Everything". She drives a "V8 VS" (apparently she didn't just want to say 'Commodore'). Finally, she thinks her best friend would compliment her on "My Breasts".
• Dustin Guthberg's favourite drink to down with his Reef and Beef is "Anything over 4.5%".
• Paul Chivelle thinks his best friend would compliment him on the fact that he "Laughs at his own jokes".
• Finally, just look at Courtney Purnell. Doesn't he have a smile that could light up a room? OK, perhaps a toilet.

Michael Jackson - Guilty After All?

Michael Jackson, everyone's favourite pop idol, was famously acquitted of child molestation charges back in 2005. There just wasn't enough evidence to convict the pop singer, and I think most of us breathed a collective sigh of relief at the verdict - our childhood hero wasn't a monster after all. But I recently stumbled upon some new evidence that I think prosecutors in the trial may have missed, and which might actually shed new light on Jackson's more questionable behaviour with minors.

This particular piece of evidence goes way back to the early 1990s, when Jackson was still considered a musical prodigy, as opposed to an embarrassment of all humankind, and i should warn all upshake.com readers before continuing: it can be quite shocking viewing. So please proceed at your own discretion.

The evidence in question is an old videogame titled "Moonwalker", which was released both in the arcade, and later, on various Sega console systems. The plot, as far as I can divulge, is as simple as it is malevolent. You play as none other than Michael Jackson, and your aim is to kidnap crying children for use in your own diabolical ends. Allow me to demonstrate.

This is level 1 of the game. Here we have a crying child, and Jackson approaching in what appears to be an offer of friendship.

However, his friendly facade soon fades away, and Jackson's true intentions are momentarily revealed.

All this commotion startles the child, and she is awoken from her tantrum. But, upon realising the man next to her is Michael Jackson, she becomes completely overjoyed (remember, this is the early 90s, before children have become petrified of Jackson's white-man features and eerily confronting nostrils). The game's audio presents the girl's voice as crooning, "oh Michael...".

The girl then follows Jackson's instructions, and hops onto a blue, magical spaceship of some kind (which, depending on your point of view, resembles either a 1920's car horn, a tadpole, or, well, have a closer look). She is then whisked off to alleged "safety", and Jackson continues his hunt for more children.

But is this child really safe? Are the hundreds of other identical children in the game, known as "Katies", actually taken away to a place where they are free from harm? Unfortunately, we are never informed. But, perhaps tellingly, each level ends with Michael Jackson's own game audio declaring "I'm Bad!", and then we are presented with the following stark image:

Is this a face of innocence? I'll let you be the judge.

Exactly what is wrong with the world.

ok this is ridiculous. I know that the internet is all about community based sites now, what with the giant amounts of popularity that youtube and myspace have. I have only recently become aware of digg lately and that is a good way of finding out what is happening around the world, it's also a pretty good way to find anything that has ever been said about the Nintendo Wii or Stephen Colbert. So I can see the use of all these community based sites. But when things like catster are created it just doesn't make sense to me. Sure I don't like cats very much, or any pet for that matter, but still I think that a community site that has over 100,000 cats as members is a ridiculous thing, some people just need to go outside.

By the way this in text linking thing is great fun.

Missionary Impossible?

There's been a few reports of Tom Cruise lately and his 'other' business in spreading the word of Scientology. Apparently scientology leader David Miscavige believes that in the future, Cruise will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.

“Like Christ, he’s been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right.”

Now I don't want to jump the gun here. I mean, if I get this wrong, it could look quite embarrassing for me in a few hundred years if Thomas Cruise Mapother IV realises this supposed destiny. I think there is only one point required here for me to come to a decision. Had Jesus Christ been the star of War Of The Worlds, would the result have been such a boring, clichéd action flick?

So anyway, if he is the messiah, I owe Niczilla a coke.

"One fo shiz way to annoy Y&Zs - bust a cap in the language they see as sick-core."

McCrindle Research has just completed research into the slang of Generation Y & Z.

"If you manage Gen Ys or market to them, and you don't know your bananas from your bling; munters from scrubs, then maybe you should just call the wambulance."

Does anyone reading this know their munters from their scrubs? I don't... better call the wambulance.

Go to their website and download 'Word Up', their guide to communications with those crazy Z and Y generations.

Some just sound like the 'jiggas' they 'waz' talking to were just 'buggin' to get a laugh with their 'Gs':

sherbet
adj. A descriptor of something excellent or pleasing. I mean why say "that's good" when you can demonstrate how cool you are by saying "that's sherbet".

phatty
adv. (pronounced "fatty") Incredibly good. Usually in admiration of a feat or trick. "That 360 was phatty!"

It also provides good advice on how to and how not to use the new vocabulary:

sick
adj. Used to describe an extremely good trick in an extreme sport "That was a sick ollie braw!" (could also say "that was some ill ollie" but don't say it was an "unwell ollie")

the lick
adj. The best. "Man those shoes are the lick!." See 'the bomb'.


I can't wait until advertisers are using this information for their evil purposes. "New from McDonalds, the phatty burger. It's totally sherbet, G."

Introducing Sam!

Hey there.
So I have been a contributor to this fine blog for a while and have so far contributed nothing but harsh comments to the other people (except for Cam, that guy's great!). Anyway I have been wondering what I should unleash upon the readers as my first post. Like many other things in life I wanted my first time to be special, to choose the right moment and to not rush it. But like many other things in life it will probably end up a huge disappointment, for me and all other parties involved. Without further ado I present the best ad ever!

The Coolest Guy Nominee 4: 'Barnzey'

A guy posted to this picture to the 'Shoutbox' on the front of a BitTorrent site I use to share legal podcasts and the like (You have to read it backwards).

Essentially he is nominated for The Coolest Guy for this reason: he got something in the post and thought to himself, "OMG LCD just arrived, better go tell all my best friends... on my local torrent site."

15th Jan, 12:10pm	Barnzey: bought 360 at launch
15th Jan, 12:01pm	Barnzey: $650
15th Jan, 11:49am	191200: how much did that set you back?
15th Jan, 11:46am	XBoNeSX: ah for ya xbox 360 ?
15th Jan, 11:45am	Barnzey: $1600
15th Jan, 11:42am	XBoNeSX: wot that set ya back ?
15th Jan, 11:30am	Barnzey: 32"
15th Jan, 11:30am	Barnzey: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v72/Barnzey /IMG_0224.jpg
15th Jan, 11:26am	XBoNeSX: wot size ?
15th Jan, 11:23am	Barnzey: new lcd has arrived!

Little did he realise that the image he uploaded would give him a bigger chance to win the award (not just because they are in the photo, but because he didn't think to take them away before uploading it):

• Truck wallpaper...?
• Empty bottles of soft drink on the floor
• Shoes thrown in the corner next to a dodgy fan
• 100% of the available nextgen consoles

The plot thickened later when this was posted-

Insert New News Here (By Beaker666)
If you're Female and Single or Know A Single Female, Please contact Barnzey, He's Lonely and looking for a Friend.

Its only Human Nature to help others :)

How could one of the Coolest Guy nominees be struggling with the ladies. I'm shocked.

'The Coolest Guy' is a quest to trawl the web for the coolest people in the world. Many people would think Hollywood is a good location to start looking, or our sports stars, which is fair enough. Here at UpShake.com , we believe that it is the unsung heroes who deserve recognition. People who believe they are cool, announce it to the world, but don't get the recognition they expect. Get nominees ONE and TWO.

Getting away from it all

I recently went on a holiday down Yorke Peninsula way with some other recent Engineering graduates. A good time was had by all, OK a good time was had by most. Unfortunately some members of the party didn't enjoy some of us delivering a brilliant serenade of 'Free David Hicks' to their window at 3am. It wasn't our fault that they took away my iPod after the 10th play in a row. I'm just very passionate about this issue- not the freeing of Hicks, but the promotion of the catchy tune that Peter Combe has delivered. The people in question still weren't committing themselves to the rhythm, and we vowed to continue until this happened. I'll let you know when it does. In the meantime I suggest that the best part for serenading (provides less words to be remembered) is to go: bridge, final verse, chorus, bridge,final verse, chorus, repeat, repeat, repeat. Then change windows to another person and repeat the process.

When packing to leave my house for the rendezvous point, a friend of mine and I quickly debated whether or not to take his laptop. We eventually decided to chuck it in the boot along with other more traditional holiday items (e.g. frisbee, cricket bat, duct tape). Upon arriving at the location with others still finishing up their own packing we realised that we were very under-prepared. Already packed in their cars for this 1 week trip were the following: Desktop PC, external hard drive, 68cm TV, AV receiver, Two 1m floor-standing speakers, another laptop, and I'm sure I've forgotten something. Oh yes, then one of our party 'almost forgot' to take along a WiFi antenna so that he could try and find an unencrypted wireless access point to 'borrow' some bandwidth while we were 'getting away from it all'.

My question is this. With all the hubbub in the press over the new Apple iPhone, some asked the question, "Will people use all the features?". The answer that I think my recent trip shows is that that will have no bearing on the sales of the device. The new generation always want more gadgets, so whether or not they use them is irrelevant. The more the better. Once a device can incorporate all the things we took on our trip away I'm sure we'll want more anyway. And this demand is only going to continue. Younger kids are going to grow up having never lived in a house without DSL.

I say this is awesome. On our trip I didn't get the chance to talk to anyone because I was busy watching Clone High and The Office. With only so many hours in a day, who wants to spend them walking on the beach when you can be laughing together in air conditioned comfort?

Free David Hicks for The Hottest 100

I have just voted in this year's Triple J Hottest 100. I suggest you do the same.

If you vote correctly and successfully you will receive this email:

"The songs you indicated you would like to vote for in this year's Hottest 100 are:
Peter Combe - Free David Hicks "

Haven't heard the song? Go here.

Why would you vote for any other song? If we get enough votes it'll at least make it to the novelty section they normally have at some stage in the count.