'Tis the Season to be Male

The other day I was strolling past my local Christadelphian Church, and I noticed quite a bizarre sign on their message board:


At first it didn’t make much sense to me. A Christmas without women? Why would a Church be promoting such a crazy idea? Sure, it would probably reduce the Christmas present expenses of men by a good 50%, but… to deny the female section of our population the enjoyment of Christmas? It just seems a bit uncaring and uncompassionate. And that’s against the spirit of Christmas.

Still, I was intrigued by the idea. So I decided to follow it up with a bit of Internet research. And what I discovered was even more bizarre. It turns out that my local Christadelphian Church isn’t necessarily against a female-inclusive Christmas day, as the sign would suggest. No, I’m afraid, my local Christadelphian Church is against Christmas as a whole.

This is because Christmas is never actually mentioned in the Bible. In fact, the Bible seems to specifically rule-out any form of Christ worship. To quote Mathew 15:9, “But in vain they do worship Me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men”. According to the Christadelphians, Christmas was instead originally derived from a Roman harvest festival. This celebration only morphed into what we now know as ‘Christmas’ after the pagan harvesters converted to Christianity, and still wanted a reason to party in late December. So, instead of celebrating the moon and the sun like they used to, they decided to celebrate Christ’s birth.

The Christadelphians have a problem with this, because this harvest festival, as Wikipedia describes, used to be “a time of general relaxation, feasting, merry-making, drinking, gambling, and singing, and even public nudity”. In other words, Christmas was originally a pagan ritual, and therefore, it is actually against Christ’s teachings.

So, then, why label Christmas in such a cryptic message as “a tradition of men”? It’s because, supposedly, Christmas is not a tradition of God, or Christ. Instead, it is a tradition of those decrepit, sordid, despicable types that we all loath: men. Which means Christmas is no different to celebrating one’s own birthday. Or the Clipsal 500 race. Or going out to a strip club on Saturday night in honour of your winnings at the greyhound races. Like all the above, it’s a pagan thing.

So you should all watch out. Celebrating Christmas could result in your banishment to the gates of hell. As one website advises in an article, “Resisting the Christmas Spirit”:

God expects you - as a pioneer of His soon-coming perfect society - to stand against the current. But, as December 25th approaches, you must prepare now, and be ready to stand your ground without compromise - to properly go against the Christmas-keeping crowd, and to be a witness of God's truth to your peers.

Here’s another example, from “The True Origin of Christmas”:

The most common justification that one will hear regarding Christmas is that people have replaced old pagan customs and intents by asserting that they are now “focusing on Christ.” I have heard many say that they are “honoring Christ” in their Christmas-keeping. The problem is that God does not say this is acceptable to Him! Actually, He plainly commands against it! Keeping Christmas dishonors Christ! He considers everything about it to be an abomination!

I just thought all readers should be aware of these developments so that they can make informed decisions about avoiding hell in future. I know that some sections of Christianity, such as the Catholic Church or the Anglican Church, do recognise and celebrate Christmas… but really, who is to say that just because they represent 95% of believers, their views are necessarily correct? Maybe they are secretly sending you all down the festive, merry road to DEATH BY DAMNATION.

So be warned. The Christadelphians say no to Christmas. And maybe next year, you should too.

For more information, consult the Christadelphian Hall, Goodwood Road, Adelaide, Australia. Merry pagan harvest to you all!

PS - Seeing as Christmas is now a “tradition of men”, could someone please inform the following Murray Bridge chapel about this:


There’s no man in ‘minge’. What an embarrassment.

Personal Blog Entry #1

I finished a roll of floss today. That's 25 metres of flossy goodness, all gone. I am pretty sure I have never felt the sadness of the click at the end of the packet when it has no more white gold left to give. Packets have always run free (to frolic in the wilderness with odd socks and semi-used pens) from my bathroom drawer at some stage before all dignity was gone. How sad for my old Colgate friend. Clearly, the dark lord of fluoride (my dentist) succeeded to break my will with mind-altering drugs and forced me to destroy such an innocent victim. R.I.P. Flossy.

How's that for a personal blog Cam? Is that what you were looking for?

End PBE#1, begin real blog entry. This is mainly a maintenance entry. There has been some changes around the place, hopefully for the better. We now have 4 blogging supremos- Me, Cam, Niczilla and Sam. Some may already be aware of Sam via his aggressive comments on some topics. For better or for worse he is now the resident illustrator of UpShake.com. However, he's been pretty slack so far in meeting my requests, so we'll see how long he lasts.

The other thing that has changed recently is my Digg links. If you don't know about Digg, probably best to Wikipedia it up here. If you think that was a stupid question, I was talking to a guy last night who hadn't heard of YouTube. The amusing part of the conversation was that once I explained what it was he said, "Oh OK, I've been to xtube.com, now I realise where the name comes from". So much for Time Magazine's Person of the Year selection. Anyway, I use it (Digg, not xtube) to archive the 'interesting' Internet stuff I look at. It also keeps the blog ticking over when no one is posting.

Traditional Japanese Mushroom Games

I was cleaning up around the place recently and I found many long-lost treasures. The best of these was the packaging for the 'Mattake Geemu' I bought for Cam last time I was in Japan. Mattake actually is short for Matsutake (Japanese mushrooms), so don't go about thinking it is anything else. I'm sure it is just a traditional game played in Japan for centuries (the invention of plastics allowed for a cleanable, reusable version, and that's when the game really took off). I'm not quite sure of the facial expressions of the characters in the pictures- in particular the guy on the right. His look says a lot more than, "Oh I seem to have misplaced my mushroom, have you seen it?".

I'm not sure what happened to my favourite inflatable phallic mushroom- Cam, have you still got it? I guess there's only so many times you can play the games demonstrated on the pack before it gets either burst or stolen when you are making off with ladies from the playboy mansion.

For those of you in Oz with Foxtel, I noticed there is a marathon on December 30 of the quality game show Takeshi's Castle (or MXC). I recommend taping it and playing it the next night. I can think of no better accompaniment to New Year's celebrations than good, clean, pain. Interesting point of note: Beat Takeshi of Takeshi's Castle fame moved on post-TC to become an acclaimed director and actor. There's no doubt his experience with people hurting themselves came to assist him when directing samurai flick Zatoichi.

Thou shalt not eat prawns

Did you know that, according to the Bible, it's a sin to eat shellfish? It's true - consider the wise words of Leviticus:

Leviticus 11:12: Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.

Even Deuteronomy agrees:

Deuteronomy 14:10: And whatsoever hath not fins and scales ye may not eat; it is unclean unto you.

So with Christmas coming up, i thought all readers should keep that in mind. No prawns, mussels, squids, eels, seals, or plankton may be eaten. To avoid hell, just stick with the lamb.

For more information on crazy Evangelical nutritional trends, look here.

Picture credits go to Lachy.

Ship 'em to Sweden

Ok, I’ll apologise in advance this time. I’m afraid I’m about to post yet another anti-Liberal rant. But, really, if I don’t spit out my vile hatred for conservative politicians periodically on this blog, then, in all honesty, there could be worse consequences for society. I mean, it’s quite possible that if my anger and tension built up long enough, you could witness the explosion of a later-day Incredible Hulk – complete with even more tight and revealing purple pants that you may be used to (yes, much tighter than those pictured). And be warned: this Incredible Hulk wouldn’t be embarrassingly girly like Eric Bana in that silly movie, The Incredible Hulk. No, he’d be downright mean and nasty like Eric Bana in that awesome movie, Chopper. So be scared. Be very scared.

Anyway…what’s got my Labor-voting blood boiling this time round, you may be interested to know? Well, it seems like the Immigration Department has deemed it necessary to deport a Swedish-born man back to Sweden.

“What’s the problem?”, I hear some readers quip, “Sweden’s nice. They have a lot of fish there. And hot springs. In fact, come to think of it, I’d like to go to Sweden. So this lucky chap gets a free trip to Sweden – what’s the big deal? Why does this centre-left arsehole always complain so much? I’m going to go listen to Alan Jones instead”. Well, you ill-informed and slightly degenerate bunch ‘mortgage belt’ wankers, the problem is that this particular gentlemen is 33-years-old, and has lived in Australia his entire life except for his first 4 weeks. He just happened to be unlucky enough to be born in Sweden while his mother returned there on holiday.

He can’t speak Swedish, barely knows his Swedish relatives, yet he is currently in a detention centre somewhere in Australia, awaiting deportation to his alleged ‘homeland’. The legal argument behind the deportation is that this man has spent much of his life in jail – he is a convicted criminal, and, under the government’s recent immigration reforms, any non-Australian citizen who has spent more than one year in prison is liable to be sent back to their own country.

But this is absolutely absurd. It isn’t Sweden’s fault this guy is violent and dangerous. Unless you start arguing that criminality comes from genetics, or even worse, from nationality…. then the responsibility for this bloke clearly rests upon Australia’s shoulders. He’s lived here for over 1721.856 weeks. He’s lived in Sweden for 4 weeks. How could this possibly be Sweden’s fault? Indeed, many far-left philosophers would even claim that the poor guy didn’t exhibit human consciousness for his entire time spent in Sweden. All he did there was eat, sleep, and poo bright yellow liquid for a few weeks. He didn’t even get the chance to sing his first Abba tune.

But our ever-caring and motherly Immigration Minister, Amanda Vanstone, remains unflinching in her desire to get this guy out of the country. She just said it was her job to remove such an “unlawful non-citizen" from the country.

A number of court challenges have failed, too. It seems the arguments of ‘farcical’ and ‘bloody stupid’ doesn’t work too well in Australian courtrooms. However, the judges of the federal court still saw it necessary to demonstrate how profoundly unimpressed they were with the laws. As The Age reports:

Justices Michael Moore and Roger Gyles described the use of character grounds to cancel Mr Nystrom's visa as "disturbing" and suggested the Immigration Minister review the law. They said while Mr Nystrom had behaved badly, he was no worse than many other Australians. "The difference is the barest of technicalities. It is the chance result of an accident of birth," their judgement said. "Apart from the dire punishment of the individual involved, it presumes that Australia can export its problems elsewhere."

This is just craziness. It’s kindergarten politics. It’s almost as bad as the views of this guy. I'm starting to get the impression that our xenophobic tendencies in Australia are reaching new extremes. (Indeed, i heard recently that Pauline Hanson will be returning to politics soon...)

Bah I’m getting angry, and my fingers are beginning to turn bright green with rage, so I’m going to head off before I go topple San Francisco or something.

Acoustic Juice and Other Problems with the Music Industry

Having finished my demanding bar and waiting (note: thought I'd include a link as a homage to LeBlogMac) course, I applied and instantly scored a job at the Adelaide Convention Centre. There seems to be some deal between the two organisations. I assume the bar and waiting fee of 750 odd dollars is a clear enough indication that you have no concept of the value of the Australian dollar and therefore are a valuable slave, gimp and employee (all these elements are required for the job). In all honesty the job pays reasonably well, but the shifts cut seriously into my drinking times, which is something that just won't do long term. Not to worry too much, my outstanding and obvious inadequacy will soon ensure that I have plenty of free time on my hands once one of the 'black coats' realises this.

Black coats. That reminds me. There's a bizarre segregation vibe that the place gives off too, with each type of employee wearing their specific uniform. Depressingly, it reminds me of 'A brave new world'. If memory serves, I think the name of my position is 'epsilon', which is a stupid, chimp-like, grunt work type. That's me; an epsilon. (If I was LeBlogMac I'd include an irrelevant link here. If I was Niczilla, something about my lefty righteousness, my liberal guilt, third world debt or getting f-ed in the A in guantanamo. But i'm not either. It's just gonna be a different sort of post.) ~LeBlogMac edit: irrelevant link~

anyway I digress......

Tonight we had one of Adelaide's largest functions (so they said) 'Santa's Workshop' (They made me wear a Santa cap. I still feel dirty). The annoying din of a female B-grade radio host wailed through the first hour or so of the function after which followed a couple of bands, the second of which was Acoustic Juice. Introduced as 'one of Australia's best corporate bands and Adelaide's very own: Acoustic Juice'. I winced in pain as I passed by my tables when they made this announcement. Middle aged, long balding hair, playing the very best hits of six months ago to two years ago, they were just about every fucking cliché of an aging rock band conceivable. Not that the crowd seemed to mind (it was open bar after all) with a hundred or so on shaking their stuff (badly) on the dance floor and posing for the cameras. I thought I was stuck in the radio with the dial stuck on SAFM. Bad cover after bad cover. Initially cheap and disposable pop tracks were only further bastardised by the band one three minute piece of shit after the next.

Ah, that's about all I can be bothered with. I have to go through all this again tomorrow. There's your damn post, Leblogmac. Fuck, I hate public opinion. You all make me sick.

8008135 - We're going Old School

So there were several comments after the last post complaining about the lack of toilet humour recently on UpShake. Therefore here is a delightful post containing more than enough smut to make your whole week. Don't read on if you are easily offended.

First, there was turtle rape. Then there was the teenage mutant ninja turtle rape remix. And how could you forget turtle rape 'full and uncut'. Now, see dog rape gone bad.

Here's what to do if you get a bee up your skirt.

Want some home surgery tips?

And finally, the craziest, most abusive old man in the world.

I hope that has temporarily quenched your thirst for some disgusting crap you didn't really want to see, but you broke it you bought it. Not quite quenched? This'll do it.

Also, I've moved up the DUGG section so it is more conveniently accessible. It usually gets new additions each day.

Quote of the Decade

The year was 1995. A year in which OJ Simpson was acquitted of a crime he "could have committed", the film Batman Forever was released, and eternally destroyed the best comic book franchise in the world, and, in Australian politics, John Howard saw fit to describe Paul Keating in these most ironic of statements:

John Howard: "It was a straight-out lie, lie, lie, by the prime minister [Paul Keating]. He [is] so used to getting away with telling lies, so protected is he with the paraphernalia of government, so drunk with power has he grown after 12 years in office, so believing has he become of his own infallibility and so authoritarian has he become that that is how he behaves."

It's good to see that our current PM has such a staunch background in demanding truth from government. It makes me sleep easier at night, that's for sure.

Book Review

Since we added another blogger to our clan at UpShake I have received many comments regarding the seriousness he adds. Therefore, I thought I should keep up with the new type of reader Niczilla is bringing to our site. How better to do that than with a book review!

I didn't choose the book, it pretty much chose me. The Philippines apparently has its own version of FHM. While Australia's own FHM is classy enough, when it is placed through a cultural filter there certainly is a lot lost in translation. Please enjoy some of my hand-picked highlights.

Nothing really to be said about MACHO MAN.
As for INSPIRED- considering its content, I'm quite confused as to how FHM inspired him to a Mech Eng career. Surely starting a topless restaurant chain is a more common inspiration for their readership...













This was in a section instructing men on how you "make sure you impress the ladies at men's clubs". It seems the solution was to walk into a club with a stethoscope around your neck, and feign a heart attack. Can't argue with the result.











Below are 2 of the "5 Lovemaking Occasions For The Season" they carefully chose. #5 is my favourite- one for the SNAGs. If you were interested (or looking for tips), the other 3 were: "Balikbayan sex", "She's stressed, your stressed", "On Vacation".

A story no parent can afford to m155 #2

According to the report, this is how criminals, kids communicate covertly. "The language is morphing into a dangerous dialect, foreign to parents". It features eye-witness accounts from kids in the loop, like this teen: "I could see why parents would be worried just because... it could... it can lead to... ... danger".

Credible source to UpShake.com says that Al-Qaeda uses leet speak to communicate. Here is a recently intercepted instant message transcript between a Mr B. 1ad3n and a Mr dr0ps_da_b0mb (leet speak has been put in bold so you can find it):
B. 1ad3n: "Hi, you int3r3sted in some ill3gal activities?"
dr0ps_da_b0mb: "Yeah, that would totally be k3wl, I have m4d sk1llz in that area"
B. 1ad3n: "Awesome. I'm now NIFOC"
dr0ps_da_b0mb: "Oh wait a sec, P911"

I hope to post a story like this once every 6 months, with the current supply that won't be a problem. Here is #1.

Climate change: The "non-problem"

Last week, while awaiting a delayed flight at the Sydney Airport, I decided to pick up a copy The Australian - something I had not done for a long time. I've always had an interesting relationship with this broadsheet. On the whole, I consider it to be a fairly respectable newspaper; the reporting is informative and objective, and most of the writers have this uncanny knack for being exceedingly critical about everything and anything on earth, no matter what the issue. And I like that. For instance, on the subject of environmentalism, only The Australian could manage to be critical of Howard, Kyoto, Labor, the Unions, America, and 76 other developing countries, all in one nicely constructed paragraph. Ah, what cynical talent.

But being a Murdoch newspaper, there's always some neo-conservative jargon located in there somewhere just to screw everything up. In this particular edition of The Australian, former Nationals Senator, and fervent anti-multicultralist, John Stone took the baton for the right wing opinion team - and wrote one of the most bizarre, shocking, and intellectually offensive articles I've ever seen published. It was titled "Bigger Storm is Brewing", and you can read it here if you ever feel the need to waste 3 minutes of your life. Personally, I'd consider watching 3 minutes of 'Mr.Bankrupt' ads over and over again as a far more intellectually rewarding exercise; but each to his own.

Anyway, the argument Mr. Stone put forth in this article can be conveniently summarised like this: basically, he was confused as to why there had been so much media attention recently devoted to the climate change issue, when, at the same time, we had Taj Din al-Hilali's making his infamous Islamic "meat for cats" speech (if you would like to read about that particular speech, you should access it here. However, be warned: my 'Mr.Bankrupt' argument applies equally to the crazy rants of al-Hilali as it does to Mr.Stone). Anyway, to use Mr.Stone's own words, he just couldn't understand how concerns over this "so-called pollution of our atmosphere by a gas, carbon dioxide, that's an essential building block for all plant life" could possibly outweigh the newsworthiness of a silly speech made by a religious figure who obviously holds sexist and antiquated views.

Perhaps, Mr. Stone, I can answer this for you. Perhaps the media saw fit to report slightly more on the climate change issue because..... oh, I don't know...... it concerns the fate of our entire planet. This in contrast to the (admittedly insane) views expressed by Taj Din al-Hilali, which, I need not remind you, do not represent the views of most Australian Muslims, and, as far as I can tell, do not pose even a mild threat to the existence of the entire human race or its chosen planet of habitation.

What's more, maybe the notion of religious figures making crazy statements isn't that uncommon an occurrence anyway. We must remember that most religions are thousands of years old. While society has progressed leaps and bounds in those thousands of years.... sometimes religious figures forget that a little bit. Think Peter Hollingsworth. Or, more recently, The Pope. Hell, even the Family First Party slipped up last election and demanded that all lesbians be "burned at the stake".

But, I'm afraid, Mr. Stone just won't agree. Consider these pearls of wisdom from the same article:

In short, we remain officially complacent about the most serious threat to our future, namely the fundamental incompatibility of Islam with Western society, while adopting anti-economic growth policies to address a problem [climate change] that exists chiefly in the fevered minds of its UN and Green proponents.

Yes, he is serious. And no, I've got no idea how he ever got to represent our community in federal politics either. He's was a bloody Nationals senator as well, which means that, right now, most of his former rural constituency is probably half-dying from a drought brought on, at least in part, by climate change. And what's even more perplexing is that, coming from such a rural background, his former constituency probably doesn't even have a Muslim population at all.

Ah I don't know. Yes, there may be a 'Muslim issue' in some parts of Australia. But to compare it to climate change? You gotta be kidding me. This John Stone guy needs to be wrapped up in a straight jacket, and dropped onto a melting icecap in Antarctica, so that he can slowly watch himself descend into freezing water, which, if something isn't done soon, will be the fate of most of the earth's landmass.

So anyway, in conclusion, after being away from this country for a good eight months, that was my first taste of good ol' Australian values. Yep, sure is good to be home.

The Real Victims

I had a sad moment today when I came across one of the real victims of the drought. That's right, these people struggle through hardships at the best of times, let alone in one of the worst dry-spells on record. With temperatures rising in Adelaide at the moment, there is one group of people who will suffer more than others. They are forced to wear a certain garb due to their religion, so whether or not you agree with their beliefs, you need to respect them and feel sorry for them. You guessed it, it's the emo clan.

Today I drove past a couple of these rare species of quasi-human and they were struggling. The sun was beating down on them as they stood waiting for a bus which would perhaps never arrive. All they wanted to do was go to the Marion shopping centre and buy the newest My Chemical Romance album, as well as some new knives with which to give themselves deft fashion-cuts on their arms. This quest was made all the more difficult by the fact that they had to wear all black from head to toe, with choker chains around their necks. Their hair had to be cut in the 'reverse mullet' style of course, which wasn't so much of a problem until the sweat mixed with hair wax causing it to stick permanently to the wearer's eye.

If you see a member of this sad group of individuals this summer, please give generously.

Syphilis. It's catchy!

That's an excerpt from The University of Adelaide's "On Dit" July 24, 1969.

"the French calling it the "Neopolitan" disease, or the "Italian" disease, and the Italians, and later the English, the "French" disease. The most picturesque name on record was in the little province of Fiume, where it was called "Margaritizza", after the most popular prostitute."

Ahh the 60s, when the best things in life weren't just free but in their highest supply and with the most bonuses. "It spread like wildfire across Europe"...like a very sexy wildfire. I'm not going to be able to eat a Margherita pizza now without having the images below in my head.

Bad News

Cam has stated he is unlikely to return to paying out his fellow 'students' of hospitality. He says it is "like shooting fish in a barrel". Luckily, earlier today he sent me this pearl of wisdom which I now realise may be his last words on the matter.

"Why are pregnant teens always fat? You'd think they'd have to be reasonably good lookin' to get some action. Explain." - Cam.

Quote of the Day

"That's like saying you don't want to kiss your lover's lips because everyone has lips. It doesn't make any sense."
~Steve Jobs, Apple CEO on whether or not the iPod is becoming less cool as a product of its increasing ubiquitousness.

To continue the idea- I think it would be more likely that you would stop kissing your lover's lips if he/she forced you to wear lipstick with a strong DRM odour. Or if in order to french kiss you needed to buy an overpriced attachment.

Coolest Guy Nominee 3: Dave and his 'zone'

'The Coolest Guy' is a quest to trawl the web for the coolest people in the world. Many people would think Hollywood is a good location to start looking, or our sports stars, which is fair enough. Here at UpShake.com , we believe that it is the unsung heroes who deserve recognition. People who believe they are cool, announce it to the world, but don't get the recognition they expect. Get nominees ONE and TWO.

Nominee 3: Dave and his 'zone'

David Podgor is the creator and maintainer of one of the internet's most popular websites, 'Dave's Zone'. Don't be fooled by the "Population:1" label on his very welcoming frontpage banner, I'm sure there is occasionally more than 1 person viewing it at a time. The thumbs-up pose Dave gives you upon entering his website no doubt encourages visitors to stay a little longer upon arriving. It is well complemented by two american flags which, by some feat of technical brilliance, Dave has managed to make appear as though they are being affected by some sort of intra-browser winds.

As you can tell by the web design of 'Dave's Zone', he is highly skilled in the art of HTML web design using many expensive design tools to assist his artistic visions in coming to life. So, "How do I design such a large undertaking of a website and make it look as good as Dave's Zone?", I hear you ask... Well, luckily Dave has incuded a section explaining the history of the zone. After reading the progress of his site I was interested to find that the site hasn't always gone under the 'Dave's Zone' moniker. There was a period of 5 years during which it was named 'Potomac Hobby Inc.', which I'm sure you all agree has none of the razzle dazzle of the current name. This and many more intriguing details on the site's history can be found here.

So what is it that makes this website a pure heroin-filled needle in the contaminated haystack that is the internet's countless personal websites? There are many gold nuggets I have found and I haven't even looked through the whole site. He has a delightful section on elongated coins which is the best resource on the subject I have ever found. From what I read there he has 57 of these coins, what a collection! And I thought my best friend in year 5 was impressive when he collected all the Tazos from chip packets. Dave is an accomplished photographer also. A section devoted to his shots of bridges, skylines and 'cool views' is also worth a look. This 'cool view' of a few buildings in the distance and uninteresting trees in the foreground is the best one I found.

Finally, the section on finding wild mushrooms needs no introduction. All I can say is that it changed my life.

"Think about how you feel after watching TV all day: you feel guilty because you’ve wasted the day and not accomplished anything, and the activity you did to help you relax only made you feel more stressed out. Next time the weather is nice and you have “nothing to do” try to go on a foray – anywhere with grass and mulch will do; your lawn, a parking lot – and then see how you feel when you’re done. If you are like me, you’ll never want to watch TV again."

Yes, I too am often stressed out by watching TV. Can anyone think of something better to do on a sunny day than wandering around a parking lot looking for mushrooms? I can only make one addition to improve that day- once you find the mushrooms, return to the TV and forget about your pathetic life by consuming them and enjoying the hallucinations. Perhaps TV will be less stressful when you watch Spongebob Squarepants.

Open letter to the editor

Dear Sir/ Ma'am,

I have noticed an alarming trend in your paper's coverage of one of the most pressing matters of the twenty-first century; a complete denial of current trends. Your paper does a very professional and informative job when covering childhood obesity, what is currently 'hot' in the fashion industry, Kylie Minogue's shocking battle with breast cancer, what and who those crazy footballers have been groping on their end of season trips and a complete and thorough coverage of why those pesky petrol prices are so darn high and the best way to combat them with the most efficient shopper-dockets. However, I raise an issue that your paper, like many others, refuses to touch. I am not a {edit: stark} raving lunatic, please hear me out.

The scent that Subway restaurants has pumped out into the public air and oxygen supply must be illegal. If it is not, it should be and soon. The children are exposed to it. The stupid, the naive, the ignorant, the elderly, the gullible, the weak and the lame are exposed to it. The innocent are exposed to it. Everyone is exposed to it - It is unavoidable. It is very alarming. Subway restaurants are using this odour as a form of mind control. I cannot stress enough how alarming this is. The scent wafts through the air as I innocently pass by the streets of town, it penetrates the air floats up my nose then sits at the back of my head on my brain like a thick translucent paste, like a child's edible glue, rendering my thought to a spluttering stutter through a thick, pea-soup fog. Thoughts are replaced with demands. Demands are dealt from a distinct bold authoritative voice.

This in itself would not be a huge problem if all I heard was, "Mmmm, eat at Subway restaurants for a low priced, healthy, convenient meal.", but it's not; i hear more. While it is true, I do hear the previous statement, I hear more; more disturbing things. I hear "Vote liberal; join the union; abandon God; crush the infidels; honour thy mother and father; covet thy neighbour's wife's ass". I hear "serve; obey; destruct; rebel". The scent demands it's confirmatory revolution. It demands it's anarchistic conformity.

Given the chance, the Scent will rule with an iron fist. We will be crushed in It's totalitarian vice. And your paper says nothing! Each day It grows stronger; It's influence spreads. It spreads like wildfire; like ignorance and stupidity. Escape the influence of the stench of one store only to be caught by the next, like the worm on a hook; like the fish on the worm on the hook; like the person that eats the fish, that ate the worm, that was skewered onto the hook. Still, your paper says nothing!

Such a benevolent veneer for such a belligerently malevolent technique. I'm left to wonder where the abuse will end. Will I step through the bus-stop advertisements for re-conditioning shock-therapy? Forcefully suggestive elevator music? They must be stopped while we still have the means.


Thankyou for your time and hopefully you can wield your significant resources to combat evils such as this, not petty matters of fashion.

Cam. Stirling.

P.S. I loved the Fred Basset comic today! Oh my, he does get into some mischief, doesn't he?

Wine & Wine Service 1.02

Character Study

David

Today David arrives 45 minutes late wearing his customary two caps, denim baggy jeans, headphones on, listening to Sepultura. At ten in the morning (both David and Rianna consistently do this; a nice relaxing start to the morning. They'll then go about seeing who can experience the worse hearing loss in any given amount of time)

"Sorry I'm late, everyone.", David apologizes in a barely audible chuckle. "'n' I have to leave early this afternoon 'cause I have a court case."

I'm guessing he's probably not the plaintiff. With all his extra-curricular activities, I'm thinking that perhaps that the 'part-time' study option may have been a better option for David. I'm sure if he can avoid doing any hard time his parole officer will probably keep him on the straight and narrow long enough for him to pass. Eventually.

Lunch time sees David go off to the pub to down a few pints and comes back in a jolly mood with a new enthusiasm for study. He hasn't come back saying "Serioushly, I love youse" yet, but let's give him another week or so.

Later David explains to us the difference between a regular run of the mill bogan and an Elizabethan gang bogan. It seems, according to David, the latter roam in gangs and are more prone to violence. I'll take his word for it.

Bryan

On first impression Bryan can seem awkwardly benevolent, but this seems to be part of the trap. His dopey demeanor and paunched belly are the insect attracting red pigmentation of his Venus Flytrap ways. As I mentioned earlier, he doesn't believe smoking causes lung cancer. Having now spent a couple days with him I think he is also quite possibly a holocaust and AIDS denier (like the Foo Fighters).

I suspect Bryan went to a private school and is clinging to this faint scrap of refinement with both hands. Yesterday we were asked to bring some snacks that will complement the wines that we were to taste today. Seemingly unaware of his common ways, Bryan brought a plate of salmon and caper bite size pieces. It did make a nice change from the seven packets of doritos.

But by far Bryan's most annoying quality is his inability to go a full sentence without mentioning how he has a connection to whatever the subject may be. He knows this doctor; his parents rent out a house in this suburb; he knows this family ect... Just why he's doing a bar and wait course in his mid twenties, and failing, if he's so fucking connected is pretty unclear. Fairly unlikable.

Other people of note...........

Hannah

Despite Hannah's S-bend spine, rodent like mouth and general meerkat like appearance, in a certain light and in a certain angle she can be reasonably attractive. Her stick thin arms make opening a bottle of wine a fairly humorous experience. Is constantly leaning forward and exposing her g-string from the top of her low-cut jeans.

Anne

Too awkward to ask why she has a scar on her forehead and her arm in a sling, I had wondered what had happened. Someone not as repressed as myself asked her, she'd been in a car crash six months ago. Bryan offered to hook her up with the best plastic surgeon in town. I think there was some arrangement to get two cents off a litre of petrol if she presents her surgery docket.

Kate

Kate is either a closeted lesbian or just from the country. I haven't yet figured out which.

Rianna

Rianna is an enigma. Coming in at about four and a half foot, is probably the most employable of the entire group, myself included. Will turn up in bizarre outfits; today she was wearing a Meatloaf t-shirt. Will be deaf in 24 months as she listens to heavy metal unbearably loud.

For those with growing misanthropic tendencies like myself, her constant cheery demeanor can grate. For the well balanced, she's probably still only just bearable.

Arlo

Arlo is the teacher*. Arlo a couple days ago stated 'believe it or not, I've never actually paid for a tie!'. Having seen several of his ties, all of various novelty stylings, I believe him.

Jasmine

We haven't seen jasmine since our second day of 'study'. Ready to burst a couple days ago, we've assumed that she has given birth to her third child and has quite possibly conceived a fourth.

Uses terms like 'partner' or 'ex-partner' suspiciously in the same manner that a lesbian or gay man might if they were trying to keep their sexuality on the low-down. I guess it probably does sound a bit better than 'the father of my second and fourth children'.

Dianna

Dianna is a largish middle-aged woman, who i suspect is doing this course as it is (sometimes) vaguely more stimulating than Oprah. She goes out of her way to introduce herself and remember other's names, then (instantly) forgets them.

Earlier this morning Dianna was engaging in a very disturbing conversation with David involving innuendo and euphemism about how an older wine with a bolder fuller body was better than a young one. Most likely unaware of these concepts, I think the pair may have just let their subconscious run wild. Doing my best to forget this ever happened, but my mind wont wash clean.

*I use terms like teachers, study, exam, class and student loosely. 'Student' does seem marginally more appropriate than 'partial attendee' or 'guy that rocked up briefly between morning tea and lunch on Tuesday'.

Got Pink?

Perhaps the most pornographic flamingo ever constructed. If you want one, consult Cam or head to "Ned's" in Victor Harbor. Or perhaps soon McDonald's will be giving one away with every happy meal...

Wine & Wine Service 1.01

I walk in from the elevator past the reception to a class room like any, only there is a mock bar up against the whole left side of the room. "Where was this class in high school?", I think to myself. A middle aged woman is sitting at the middle of one of the tables.

"Hi, how are you? I'm Dianna."

She extends her hand for a handshake. Before i realise that my hand is still wet and soapy from washing my hands in the toilet, I've embraced her hand in mine in a horribly moist and lubricated handshake. Dianna screws up her face in disgust.

"This is wine and wine service, right?", I say trying to move on from the violation.

"Yeah. This your first week?", she says as a young unshaven man and girl a foot short of any normal height, yet a good foot short of dwarfism come in. "This is David and Rianna."

Rianna is wearing a denim mini-skirt, 'fuck-me' boots and a purple thermal shirt; an interesting mix. I smile politely and say hi.
David is wearing two caps, baggy jeans and hoodie. He extends his hand to me - straight away i know this is going to be trouble. Foolishly i try to shake his hand in the conventional way. David having none of this, molests my hand in a fashion that he and his fellow hilltop hoods fan club members do to each other around tea and biscuits.
Two horrible handshakes in two minutes. I'm pretty consistently an awkward handshaker, but i think this could be a record even for me.
A few others lurk in through the door and sit down. They put their faces down on the desk and do their best to get back to sleep. 25 minutes after the scheduled start a guy in a white shirt and Simpsons' 'Duff' tie walks in.

"Hi, My name is Arlo. Welcome to wine and wine service. Over the week we'll be learning all about wine and the correct way to serve it. We'll learn about all the different sorts of wines; varietal wines, general wines; fortified wines, aperitif wines, dessert wines................."

"Hey, what sort of wine is passion-pop? i got fully smashed on that on the weekend. They kicked me out of where ever it was i was at - I don't remember where."

"We'll be learning the different characteristics of the wines; the palate, the aroma, visual characteristics. We will learn wine terminology and how to intelligently discuss and describe a wine's distinctive tastes. Come Wednesday we will even get to have a bit of a wine tasting........."

"Last time i did this course i was pregnant and i didn't get to try the wines - well, I wasn't meant to", giggles Jasmine, a 20 year old ready to burst again. "And I'm pregnant again, she'll be my third, so I guess I can only have a couple of glasses again. I know she's going to be a 'she', because i read it in my horoscope."

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During morning tea talk turns to piercings.

"Hey Jasmine, when does the stud in my lip stop hurting?", asks Hannah - imagine an Uma Thurman having spent six months on crystal meth.

"I don't really know. I have a pretty high pain threshold. I didn't feel anything with any of my piercings. When I got my tattoos done i had to ask when the body artist had finished", she doesn't mention child birth, but i have a sneaking suspicion that she gets an epidural and whatever other medication she can get. "But I had to take most of my piercings out 'cause my daughter keeps playing with them."

"Most", I wonder. Perhaps she had a nipple chain. Probably got in the way when lining the kids up for their breast feedings.

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Arlo comes up to me and another chap, Bryan. Bryan doesn't believe smoking causes cancer, but he does believe that if you roll your own it will make a mess of your fingers. He learnt this the hard way- a yellow-brown growth on his index and middle fingers on his right hand. Rolling your own smokes appears to be a sign of your dedication to smoking, the (un-)cancerous growths on your body a badge of your dedication; not like those two pack a day pre-packed smokes posers.

"This is the first week for you two, right? Let me show you around."

Arlo takes us through a few rooms with nothing more than desks and chairs and then the 'student room', which has a vending machine and yesterday's paper. Then Arlo takes us to the 'tourism section'. The room is a hive of activity compared to the rest of the place.

"...and here we have the tourism section..."

"What is this, a sweatshop?" says Bryan, referring to how a large section of the class is Asian.

"Huh, sweatshop?", Arlo pretends he doesn't understand this racial slur. i cringe and try to move on as soon as i can.

Afternoon tea and conversation turns to different restaurants we've all been to.

"Oh yeah, I've been there", says Bryan. "Doesn't it have that fucking fag working there with the blond hair? It's shit."

Evidently Bryan hates the queers as well as the Asians.
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End Day 1
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